A perfect Sunday

Friends, Walks, rain, brunch, tea, more walks, talk, bus rides with Ed sheeran playing on repeat.

Burn me up

Amanda and I took this at an apple store in Suntec, sometimes I look at myself and I feel like I'm looking at a stranger. Like I was there but I really am not, like I am me but i am not who I am. Like I want this but I really don't know what I want.

Some nights

I wish I could take what you have,
Weave it Into what I want,
Mix it with what I need
And we would leave the rest behind
Take all that it really is and make it ours.

Maybe fate doesn't exist
Maybe life doesn't gets in the way
Maybe we all have a choice
Maybe you should try

Real, terrifying

I know I really really love someone when I'm just mean to them. Its like I don't treat them as well as I treat others? But sometimes all I want to do is hug them tightly and tell them how much they mean to me but all I will go is like , ok bye. I think the people I love scare me too much. A part of me wishes I don't love them as much as I do and a part of me is grateful I have them in my life even if I were to lose them one day. So yes, to the stupid Cheryl who I can't help but be mean to and our awkward byes at mrt stations, I really wish we can be 16 forever. But we are so young but growing so old and I'm so terrified of life and what it could do, but I think life would just work out eventually right? We'd be happy and have crazy people holding our hands and talking in duck lips and we will always be who we were when we are 16, even if we are 71 and I'm a cranky, perpetual pms old lady who wishes everyone around her would just die or something, we will still always be who we are now right?

Sighhh. If I can use 1 word to summarize my life. It would be sigh. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

101

Despite the looming finals and my impending doom(because i've been such a bad ass by not studying), i really want to share my thoughts about this movie i watched.

Architecture 101
It's a korean film, genre: romance. It's exquisite, really really well done. My favorite type of romance, innocence wrapped up with reality. Okay, basically it's about a pair of lovers way back in their 20s, they fell in love, but life gets in the way and they didn't manage to get together despite loving each other and fast forward say 15 years later, she tracked him down and asked him to fulfill a promise he made 15 years ago. i know you must be thinking, yo jocelyn what's the promise. i won't spoil it for you so go watch it! The most interesting part is the ending really. They didn't get together, there i said it, shoot me now. But seriously, they didn't get together and i can only fully appreciate the ending after reading the director's commentary, which always seems to provide all the answers the film fails to.

"The two main characters learn to understand each other through their memories. They need to figure out 'what do they need' and 'what do they need to leave each other'. A good structure needs time to build. Even with people, you have to invest time to build the relationship and make it stronger."
The ending is real and realistic. Time apart has changed both of them in different ways, she is no longer who he loved and he is no longer the boy she was in love with. They can't be together again because reality would drive them apart again. I like how the movie is about seeing things as they are, without the touch of fairy tale, something pure and natural, like what our life should be like. Yes, granted we might not have the sweep your feet off the ground moments where the prince charming would put everything aside just to be with you, instead, it's about letting go, realizing that things are not the way it was before and leaving the memory as it is, untainted and in the past.

First love are perfect because it was your first, when you were pure, naive, hopeful, innocent. Where you believed that love lives outside the boundary of reality, that things really would work out, that things would go the way you want, the way you expect it to. That's why it doesn't i guess, because it's your first. And everything else can only get better, that the last might just be the answer or maybe your third might mean the most, or your fifth might just be the one who got away. Possibilities, endless possibilities. The endless possibilities might just be what i live for.

Tonight, i think i'm the right mixture of sadness and contentment and maybe a tinge of nostalgia. It's not about losing your first love to possibly the worst guy on earth or losing the most important one, it's about learning from the loss and picking yourself up and walking in a different direction this time. And maybe all the lessons learnt might just lead you to the one.

When you look back

Sometimes I get into a mood and read through some of my posts to revisit a moment I had gone through, it's kind of like looking at that moment from a different perspective, more clear headed, rational and detached point of view.
Recently I've been thinking about things I said before and some I really regret saying them. I wish I didn't hurt anyone unintentionally or make someone life more horrible that it already is. It's just... I wish I can control the things that come out of my mouth sometimes. I wish I scan it through my head before saying something potentially hurtful. But it's hard cos there are moments where I can be so mean and cold blooded I don't even recognize myself. But it's a part of me, not something to be ashamed of, cos I'm not perfect and I'm actually really bitchy. But I really do have good intentions or at least I'm protecting myself from things that could hurt me. It's just like you hurt others before they hurt you?
I don't know.... I think I owe some people an apology. Some I can never ever say it out but I apologize in my heart.


I'm sorry if I hurt you, sorry that I didn't understand. I'm sorry that I flipped. I'm sorry that I walked out on you when I said I'd be there, sorry that I saw you as a piece of shit though you really still are. I'm sorry that you couldn't understand me, sorry I didn't make it easy to. I'm sorry that life gets in the way, sorry that years really do get in the way. I'm sorry that I missed out on the happy and sad times you've been through, sorry that I would also miss out on the ones you'd be going through. I'm sorry I didn't called or text or bother, I'm sorry you didn't either. I'm sorry that I don't give a shit about people who don't give a shit about me, I'm sorry that I didn't continue trying. I'm sorry that I said no, I'm sorry that I let you think I really meant so. I'm sorry that I couldn't stand the sight of you, in sorry that you don't know why. I'm sorry that I let my pride get in the way, sorry that you couldn't see that I really do want you to stay. I'm sorry that I'm so imperfect, sorry that you can't see that i hate being so. I'm sorry that I let you go, I'm sorry that If I were to go through it again i wouldn't have change anything either way. I'm sorry that I think you are not worth the effort, I'm sorry that I still think you are not who I thought you were. I'm sorry for being who I am, sorry that I want the exact opposite of what I said. I'm sorry I don't feel the connection I feel with certain people, I'm sorry that we are drifting apart. I'm sorry that I don't see a future, I'm sorry that I would put you aside. I'm sorry that I'm immature, sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry that you cried, I'm sorry to let you see me cry. I'm sorry that you are not what I'm looking for, I'm sorry that I'm not yours. I'm sorry that I would never have the courage to tell you the million things I've thought about you, I'm sorry that i think I would die with that as a regret. I'm sorry I would rather regret than get hurt, I'm sorry I put myself first. I'm sorry I wasn't who I was, I am sorry I changed. I'm sorry that I couldn't be who I was, I'm sorry that I am getting worse each day.
I'm sorry that I wouldn't be perfect when I finally meet you, I'm sorry that you will eventually see that. I'm sorry that you'd leave eventually, I'm sorry that I would let you. I'm sorry that love is life and life is fate and fate is chances and chances could be controlled or decided. I'm sorry that life gets in the way. I'm sorry that I get in the way.
I'm sorry that I am me.

Steer clear, burn up in your atmosphere

Cos I would die if I saw you, die if I didn't see you.

You can have everything you want, until you start asking for more than you can have.

Bernard I'll tell you your problem.
No guts
Hannah Really?
Bernard By which I mean a
visceral belief in yourself.
Gut instinct. The part of you
which doesn't reason. The
certainty for which there is no
back reference.


Arcadia, Tom Stoppard

我觉得虽然活着很累可是人生和我的未来会是甜的。

Increased

It's chilly, I'm lying on my bed and strangely I feel very very contented.

I'm thinking of words that describe who I am.
Different. Worn. Wringed. Satisfaction not always guaranteed.

I'm barely holding on to you

You're broken. But not in a way that needs fixing, but rather in a way that makes everything that still flows through extraordinary.

I will love you even if trees fell in a forest and there was no one around to hear them,

Learn to detach

Getting attached doesn’t hurt, detaching is what hurts us. Learn to detach. Be like the Sun, not too far and not too close. Be like a hand in water: allow yourself to experience your feelings as fully as water experiences the hand, then let go completely as water. The water will leave little marks on the hand, just as you will leave little marks on the water. Learn to detach. The Buddhists say, “Don’t cling to things because everything is impermanent.” But by detachment, I mean to allow yourself to experience the joy and the pain. Go all the way through with them, don’t be afraid of the pain or the grief. Don’t be afraid of the vulnerability that loving someone entails. Now you know what pain is, what love is, what grief is, and now you can say, “All right, I know this feeling. It is pain. I don’t have to let it control me, I need to step away from it.”

There is nothing I can say that will lessen the pain. You must let yourself feel the grief but don’t be afraid, don’t let it control you. It will all get better. For every person that leaves our life, someone better comes in.

And remember what Ovid said, “Be patient and tough; one day this pain will be useful to you.”

Source: decembrist.tumblr.com

Learn to detach

Getting attached doesn’t hurt, detaching is what hurts us. Learn to detach. Be like the Sun, not too far and not too close. Be like a hand in water: allow yourself to experience your feelings as fully as water experiences the hand, then let go completely as water. The water will leave little marks on the hand, just as you will leave little marks on the water. Learn to detach. The Buddhists say, “Don’t cling to things because everything is impermanent.” But by detachment, I mean to allow yourself to experience the joy and the pain. Go all the way through with them, don’t be afraid of the pain or the grief. Don’t be afraid of the vulnerability that loving someone entails. Now you know what pain is, what love is, what grief is, and now you can say, “All right, I know this feeling. It is pain. I don’t have to let it control me, I need to step away from it.”

There is nothing I can say that will lessen the pain. You must let yourself feel the grief but don’t be afraid, don’t let it control you. It will all get better. For every person that leaves our life, someone better comes in.

And remember what Ovid said, “Be patient and tough; one day this pain will be useful to you.”

Source: decembrist.tumblr.com

Half emptied

My presentation went so badly today i wish i didn't work hard for it cos it wouldn't have mattered then.

So come take my hand, I want the world to see what you mean to me.

I'm so tired I want to cry:(

Each day is a gift and not a given right.

Hero

I just want to snuggle in my bed, press my face against my pillow, envelop my body under the covers and my soft sweater and forget momentarily of all the work I have to do, my responsibilities, my wants.

Is there anyway I can lose myself without losing out at the end?

Anything other than a yes is no.
Anything other than staying is go.
Anything less than I love you is lying.
Lying lying lying.

I know this life is a beautiful one

I am exhausted. Thoroughly exhausted mentally. I feel like I was such a bad company at today's dinner but I really couldn't muster much energy. Meeting everyone makes me feel more upset than I was. It doesn't make sense right? But it's just a overwhelming awareness of how you need them but somehow they can't always be with you?
I'm talking shit and I just feel horrid. I need my sleep.

Would you give it a little chance

All I want is nothing more than having a home to go back to and knowing that where I want to be is right where I am.

“You know what girls are like. They turn twenty or twenty-one and all of a sudden they start having these concrete ideas. They get super realistic. And when that happens, everything that seemed so sweet and lovable about them begins to look ordinary and depressing.”

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Selfish

I've tried sitting down, thinking hard, what I really want, something I need that's not what others have and I don't which made me want them, something that would make me feel better about the world, something that would make me happier, better, lighter. Something that would fill me with the breathes that life sucked out of my lungs, something that would flow into my bloodstreams and make me heart beat with a reason.

They say that people don't actually want to do good. They just want people to see them doing good so they would find them good and ultimately feel good about themselves.

Do you see that in yourself?

I wish you the same intensity

Work is piling up and I've so many revisions and projects and tests and readings to complete. I must not be overwhelmed, I must work harder. I had a wonderful day today. Sometimes there are moments where you just let yourself go, your give up being uptight and careful and you find yourself lighter. I hope the upcoming week will be kind to me. Till then...

I saw a picture of this israeli soldier saying his prayer at the western wall, otherwise known as the wailing wall. It makes me want to scream and throw a fit to someone or something amidst my struggle to read and understand these poems with a splitting headache and flu.

I am feeling very very tired.

La paloma

Listening to this Spanish song i fell in love with from watching the movie it was in. It makes me want to fly to a foreign country, immerse myself in their culture, learn their new language and live a very simple life.

Di

“Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a
Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.”


Hafiz, The Divan

Doing some south Asia studies research, I have flu and my nose is dripping non stop:(

I must study. Gogogo

You're so afraid of taking chances, how are you going to reach the top?

It's strange how one could suddenly change perceptions at a magical moment. As if one suddenly met the lady of luck, she gave you a direction. " Turn left dear. See you always knew the way. You just needed someone to tell you you were right." I'm acustoming to university life. I know I've made the right choice, I am having positive thoughts, I feel... Right. Not infitnite, but right. Like I'm at the right place, doing the right thing and going towards a right direction. Does that make any sense? I feel it does! I know and believe things will continue going right, they may not be going well all the time, but they will somehow be alright. Sometimes I look around me and I'm so consciously aware of what I have yet learnt or experienced. So many people I've yet met and know and understand, so many places to go, things to learn. It's like there's so many things you could do and so many things going on at once you feel like you're going to enjoy exploring everything at your own time. I've stopped worrying about making more friends, somehow I think fate has a strange way of putting certain people around me to make me stop and wonder just how I got so lucky, but it has disappointed me equally much. Despite so I light up at moments I meet my class girls or the Tk friends I see around school. I've also started revising and I can't wait to start reading my lit texts. I'm slightly worried about the upcoming essays and projects but I'm going to get it settled by putting my best in everything! Bye!

“But Catherine did not know her own advantages - did not know that a good-looking girl, with an affectionate heart and a very ignorant mind, cannot fail of attracting a clever young man, unless circumstances are particularly untoward.”

Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

“I don’t know if you or I exist, but somewhere there are poems about us.”

— Linh Dinh, Poetry Sightings

Something like Olivia

Had a wonderful day!

Now I'm playing something like Olivia on repeat while dancing the awkward moves you see Taylor swift dance in you belong with me in my new favorite polka dots dress and I'm workinggggg it!

I like singing in cars. I like car rides home with oldies on the radio I know the lyrics to and serenade or torture everyone with lyrics I somewhat know and going somewhat off-key. But hey, daddy say I sound like Cindy lauper.
Okay.... Granted... He's bias. Hahaha!

“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?”

Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You

[…] in that drunken place
you would
like to hand your heart to her
and say
touch it
but then
give it back.”

Charles Bukowski

The world is so big but I'm so small.

Women

“What if all women were bigger and stronger than you? And thought they were smarter? What if women were the ones who started wars? What if too many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildos and no K-Y Jelly? What if the state trooper who pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpike was a woman and carried a gun? What if the ability to menstruate was the prerequisite for most high-paying jobs? What if your attractiveness to women depended on the size of your penis? What if every time women saw you they’d hoot and make jerking motions with their hands? What if women were always making jokes about how ugly penises are and how bad sperm tastes? What if you had to explain what’s wrong with your car to big sweaty women with greasy hands who stared at your crotch in a garage where you are surrounded by posters of naked men with hard-ons? What if men’s magazines featured cover photos of 14-year-old boys with socks tucked into the front of their jeans and articles like: “How to tell if your wife is unfaithful” or “What your doctor won’t tell you about your prostate” or “The truth about impotence”? What if the doctor who examined your prostate was a woman and called you “Honey”? What if you had to inhale your boss’ stale cigar breath as she insisted that sleeping with her was part of the job? What if you couldn’t get away because the company dress code required you wear shoes designed to keep you from running? And what if after all that women still wanted you to love them?”

For the Men Who Still Don’t Get It, Carol Diehl

Build my life around you

“B is for before, the acknowledged antecedent of now, the innocent shape of earlier, the vague and beautiful cousin of “when”, the tragic mother of “will become”, the suicide of “too late”.”

Mark Strand, from “A Poet’s Alphabet”, in The Weather of Words

Go to the ends of the world for you

How do you explain magic? You can't, it's just a feeling, like love. Like orange laughter and sparkling eyes and extraordinary moments of happiness, bliss, contentment.

Thank you for being so lovely, so bright that you penetrate through my foggy mind and dark thoughts, thank you for existing, for being you, for being my friend, for being such a irreplaceable presence in my life.

They say sometimes when fate collide with dreams, magic happens. So I thank fate, god, or whoever wrote out lives for putting us in each other way, for making us stick in each other life, for allowing us to meet, for making us such similar yet paradoxically different beings who can strangely grow around each other and fit into the oddly shaped pieces of our personality. I guess everything really links up, that nothing is independent so I have countless people to thank. And due to my inability to think straight these days, I shall stop here.

Thank you, Cheryl :)

Daddy was telling me how people changes over time, from the different situations they go through and the different people they meet, the people that change them, the circumstances that shape them.

I feel briefly saddened by that today when I see the change in a friend today. We were not really close, but I guess I had a certain extent of faith in the friendship, but now I'm not very sure.

Regardless, I heard pretty positive news today and I feel safer. But still, the future is too darn uncertain so I'm not betting too much on it.

Just going to enjoy myself for the rest of the holidays :)

One and only sunshine lady

"I'm only as happy as I want to be."

I know happiness is a choice and that I could be happy just by taking certain things lightly, looking past the small issues and the unexpected situations. But I guess I just want to have a fixed emotional state, with only bouts of elation and unhappy moments. I want to be neutral, chill, cool and level headed. To be surprised when good things happen and appreciate it, but also take negativity as positively as I can, to overcome it easily and believe it to be only fleeting and temporary, I want to be a boat in a smooth sea, with days of sunlight and wind, but also days of storms and tribulations, but each I overcome and learn and live and love.
I don't want to magnify my happiness more than it is, I want to keep experiencing greater joy, enjoy the small ones and stay neutral for the rest of the days. I want my low moments to be short lived, but important so I remember to appreciate small joy, I want to be rich in terms of experiences, good and bad, I want to be a philosopher in my own right, I want to live, to truly participate in everything and have few regrets, I want to share what I have, to give, to receive, to love and to be loved.

I want to be the best of me.

Friendship, love

If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.

The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

12.13 AM

I need to know that I can be alone yet still feel happy.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Waiting

Maybe I'm "participating" too much. I'm feeling more and more lonely as I read The perks of being a wallflower.

It's crazy.

"I would die for you. But I would never live for you."
I think this explains a little part of love.

Gone, it's all gone

I'm in a pensive, over thinking, easily irritable, deeply dissatisfied, lightly depressed state of emotion.

I feel tiresome.

Sorry.

I just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is.

Stephen Chbosky, The perks of being a wallflower.

Could we please all speak the truth

These couple of days, I'm starting to realize people tell me things and they don't mean what they say, or they don't do what they said they would before. And that's very upsetting to me. Stuff like these makes me upset, make me stay up late at night and make me text my best friend crazy stuff so she will know how much she means to me, and to show her really, how glad I am that amidst the unpredictable, inconsistent and changing loyalties, I have her and a few others who I could at least keep up with.

Thank you.

17/7/12-18/7/12

I read Thirteen reasons why.
Halfway through the book I realized how selfish I am.
There are so many people out there who needs all the help they can get, and if we can afford to help, why should we not?
I realize a life is more precious than most things in the world and I'm sorry I told Cheryl her friend is irritating.
Fine, he's not, and I'm glad he has Cheryl to help him at that time.
Regardless, I still hope that everyone should know how important their life is and not throw it away even if they have reasons to.

I'm unhappy.
I ate a scoop of ice cream and I'm still unhappy.
I'm tired.
I'm scared.

But I'm loved, and I feel it flowing in me sometimes when I'm feeling sad and stupid.

I will feel better soon.

Am I what I am

“I am. I am. I am.”

Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control.

Congratulations, you won.
But why don't I feel like I won?

Sigh.... In the middle of the night and morning I feel so deep down in everything that upsets me and between closing my eyelids and weary mind, I realize how no matter how much I convince myself I walked out of this a winner. I lost. That's the truth. I lost when I let it matter and even though I came out of this faster and stronger, all that matters is how I was momentarily duped into thinking something could be real here.

But I don't hate you anymore. I really don't. You've apologize way too much and though some of it got to me, it's still not enough to convince me that the next time I meet someone in my life who might just have a hint of hope, I should not believe that, I should run. Fast. Because like always, nobody bothers to run after me anyway.

Okay. Sleep. Stop thinking.

Valentine

While I was typing away on the keyboard at work today and discreetly texting Cheryl, I remembered the 2011's valentine's day. So some JCs teamed up for flower delivery among each other and I didn't catch the announcement because well, who listens to announcement right? So naturally I didn't know that I could send her flowers without meeting up with her and giving her a bunch of overpriced flowers. I remembered sitting on the last row of the lecture hall and Tiara was passing us the roses and she passed me a stalk, and I was shocked, and while I was reading the messages tied on the rose, I had 4 others passed to me because the crazy girl felt that 5 looks prettier. And I couldn't help but tear while reading her messages. It was hard being in different jc, having different schedules and so many commitment, but somehow our friendship stay strong over the years because Singapore is only so small, we can meet when time permits, when our schedules match, when we plan or shift our other plans around.

And then it struck me how I could no longer go to popular and get a huge ass card cos I was so guilty for not sending her flowers, trying to fill up the spaces with too many words and making her sit in front of me so that I can write on the card but not allowing her to read. How I can't type stupid and crazy things I would never text to any other human being except her, how I can't see her even for an hour during lunch when she will be in uk in a year time.

Stupid Cheryl, it's your fault really. Should have just studied gp, should probably have went to temasek to take a law diploma, should have went for ntu accountancy, you could have done so many things to avoid this:(

I know leaving would be hard for you and I can already tear imagining sending you off at the airport, it's just so sad that you will have to leave even though it's not now, we still have months. But slowly we will only have days, we will be able to count the days with out fingers and toes, and then with our fingers, and then it will be too soon, always too soon.

:( sigh..... I cannot say when you're in uk I how, cos I know uk will be tough, tougher than me being in Singapore and having people we are familiar with around. But you will have to adapt and live in a totally different environment. It will be so much harder on you. So we have to train to be strong!! We will be strong and our friendship will be strong! I believe that! And thank you, for being more than a best friend, you're like my fourth finger on my left hand. That's how important you are:) I love you Cheryl!

Write me a life poem

“You can never teach a guy to love you the way you wanted to be loved. You have to wait for him to do it in his own way, in his own time, that’s the saddest part of being a girl. But you can never teach a girl to love the guy back the way she did before if she already grew tired and fed up understanding and waiting to be appreciated and loved the way she deserves to be loved, that’s the saddest part of being an insensitive man.”

How do you describe the feeling of knowing there are people out there who hurts while loving, hurts trying not to love, hurts trying to be loved. For a brief moment you could feel like them without being in any of the category, at times when you're listening to a sad love song, when you are hearing people love stories or when you start thinking of love on bus and train rides, and you see everything going by so quickly, you see things changing so quickly and you know that yes, love is hard, at times love may be worth it, at times love may hurt, some love last, some love don't, but to what point do we finally let go and detach ourselves from the things we want to badly to latch ourself on?
To me, it would not be the point where you're hopelessly disappointed countless times, but when the people you love, the people you're fighting for stop trying, stop fighting, because you are just not worth it. But you're not worth it to them, it doesn't mean you are not worthy on your own. So you find your steps and continue on the path of life, you learn to see things quickly so even when things changes, you remembered at least what once happened, you learn to change course, take steps to others places to get things that are important in your life, you learn to be with yourself, learnt that the most important relationship in life is the one with yourself. If you can't love, accept, understand, know, fight for yourself, then you will just be the ones who crumble when there are setbacks in life.
No, it's not that I bruise easily, that I give up on things and be cynical about the larger issue over small issues, it's just that I'm careful, I'm sure, i'm my own warrior because even though every worrier needs a warrior, I have learnt to be my own warrior.

"You can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like. But nothing stays, in 50 years or so, it's gonna change you know."

Don't forget me I beg

I'm on the train, the air is slightly chilly because of the rain last night, the floors are wet, everything is touched with water and it all seems so quiet, so washed and clean.

It seems appropriate to listen to Mike Reid's version of To make you feel my love now.

At times like this, I feel like crumbling into a messy pile and have someone scoop me up and let me lean on his shoulder while whispering To make you feel my love to me. All this while I'm looking for coincidence, that spark of fate, the initial rhythm of the people who are compatible. But now I know, I just need someone who has a shoulder I can lean on when I need support, someone I can be quiet with when I'm tired of things, someone who understand my struggles and quietly back me up, someone who will watch poetry videos with me so they understand a little of the people who are broken and in repair, someone who is a hardworking, because of all things I'm sure of I know everything just takes all the effort in the world. No 80%, give me 100%, someone who would never give up, who would try and try and give and give because I need to know that there's someone out there like that, because I need to regain my faith and I want to give just as much and work just as hard.

But all I have right now is myself, it's okay, I will walk the earth knowing someday I might find someone I want, or someone entirely different but gives me just the thing I need, but till then, I will lie down instead of lie on your shoulders, I will square my shoulders and bite on my lips while taking deep breathes so i can fill up my lungs with air instead of the tears I feel on my throat, I will eat different flavors of ice cream everyday, read love poems, read the news, I will wait. I will search, and I will find someone eventually.

Perhaps we are all colorful on the outside, rainbows and the brightest hues of all the crayons and paints. But when you rub it off, when the rain beats hard and fast, when all the tears you cried wash it off you, you are just black and white, seemingly uninteresting and bland. But in between the black and white there are spots and spots of grey. Grey, learn to appreciate the grey, the mixture of everything simple is usually the most complicated.

You're too gray.

There's something about guys wearing a black shirt and dark blue washed jeans that makes me feel they are more attractive than they really are.

Whatever makes you happy, whatever you want

I always thought adults cope with disappointments better, they had years of practice, years of getting used to being slapped across the face when your expectations slipped by you, used to not always getting what they want.

But I am wrong. It hurts. I'm sorry it has to hurt, sorry I don't know what to say, sorry I can't do anything to help, sorry I can't do anything to make it better, sorry that once again life doesn't go the way we want it to. But I'm glad this time you didn't close yourself up, you attempt to comfort yourself, comfort me to have to hear such news.

I believe things will still work out, life will move forward and it will only get better. We will stay strong and no matter what, at least we have all of us together isn't it?

I'm not ready/ I'm never ready

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there.

In repair, John Mayer

She'd Prefer a Broken Neck to Another Broken Heart


She said that she would prefer a broken neck to another broken heart.
I said "Remember, even the beauty of birth leaves its own scars
And know that you will find your home right where you are."

She said, "I know it sounds cliche, but I really am just waiting to exhale."
She's not looking for a perfect man, she ain't holding out for Denzel
She's just looking for a real man,
But she said "Most of the realest were in graves or in jail"
Just an upright brother, but she's left with low down brothers, homo thugs, and downlow brothers.

And it took her some time with herself to discover
That having love is even more important than having a lover
But what am I supposed to tell her?
That it's going to be okay? But it may not be.
It may be hard and ugly,
Difficult, complicated, rough and bloody
And I said, "So many women are struggling"

She said, "Yeah, I'd like a man to kiss me, I'd like a man to hug me
But he's gotta truly love love before he can truly love me"
I said, "I feel you." She said, "No, you're not feeling me.
We are women bringing up seeds,
Our own sons grow up thinking love is a disease
Ducking and dodging real relationships, and just gonna take what they please
And they treat pregnancy like it's an STD
If the test comes back positive, it's a negative
And they are ghost in the streets,
Drunk in the wind, only a moment is spent and those moments are brief
Our sons' role models are rolling stones unknown or deceased
They figure we can't teach them manhood, so they'll get grown in the streets
So in the cold world they find warmth with the men holding the heat."

I said "There's gotta be a change."
She said, "Yeah, it's gotta be more than poems on TV"
I said, "I feel you." She asked me how I survive.
I said, "By Allah, it was my mother otherwise
I would have been dead, crazy, institutionalized."

"She kept us in the good neighborhoods, even though she couldn't keep on the lights
So we could go to the best schools learning to read and to write.
Sometimes we'd be so broke, in the store, she'd have to pick between the beans and the rice.
Sometimes she'd put ketchup on a navy bean so it wouldn't seem like we're eating the same thing every night.
Two jobs during the day, and one at night.
And the stuff I saw her endure, I never wanna see my wife [endure]
So I know being a man is more than being male, and I'm focused on doing it right."

"But when I think about my childhood, I don't think about poverty
I remember how she hugged me, kissed me, taught me, loved me.
And I know you prefer a broken neck to another broken heart
Broken parts that litter the night sky like stars.
But remember, even the beauty of birth leaves its own scars
And know that you will find your home, right where you are
We will find our homes right where we are."


Amir Sulaiman

"You want to tell someone everything you think you feel and know nothing about, but you can’t help but think that, the more words pour out of your mouth, the further away the truth flies from your understanding."

Yes it's possible for different people to feel and think the same way.

The time of my life

I'm trying to figure out how I've changed over the months and I think I'm quite satisfied with what I am now.

No more openly cynical, secretly worried Jocelyn. I am happy with what I have and if I can have something else, that would be nice, but usually something else is rarely nice so it's best to keep a status quo.
No more pessimistic, negative, the sky is going to drop on me the next moment Jocelyn. I'm more optimistic, more safely hopeful.
No more I don't know where life is heading Jocelyn, I made my choice and I'm going to go all the way, make the best of what I have and make it work for me. I know what I want when I'm 30, when I am 40. So I just need to map it out more concisely and turn my dreams into plans and actions and succeed.

No more life is a torture Jocelyn, life is amazing, I have so much, and I can have so much more. So much to have, so much to give, life is more than what I can ever imagine it to be.

No more why can't I have this, why can't I have that Jocelyn. These Few months have made me learn to be careful of what you wish for. What you want may not be what you need, what you want may just end up being the opposite of what you imagine it to be, so why harp and harbor pointless hopes on what is unnecessary.

I hope I remember what I am now and keep that up in uni. I know things are going to get tough but I am strong and I will only get stronger. I can do it!

Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream, pretty blue dress and my favorite pair of heels, pink sky, slow walk to the bus stop, acoustic music.

The start of the night cant start better :)

I can't change your mind/I can't change, you're mine.

Forever&Always

During the camp I was talking to this guy about our families. He was talking about his sister, of how she's so reliant and attached to his parents, how his parents want to keep her by their side for as long as they can. You could tell his quiet affection for his sister, a steady love that runs deep and strong. I asked him if she was dating anyone and what it would be like for him to see his sister mature eventually. He painted a picture of his sister to me.
"To me, she'd always be the little girl, in her white dress, running across the lawns, laughing with flowers in her hair and joy in her eyes. She'd always be like that to me, so could you imagine if she starts dating someone, we'd be like okay, let's get the guns out, get the knives out, who is this guy!"

I guess that was a really wonderful picture to me, I feel that way with Amanda, how she's always my baby sister, in the walking trolley taking quick baby steps and experiencing the thrill of walking, running, speed, excitement. I can't forget how excited and elated she was. That's what happen with people you love too much, you want to keep them by you, protect them, hold them close and away from the dark world. Seeing them slowly stepping into muddles tug at your heart, but you still have to slowly let them walk their way towards life.

"Love, is not always magic. Sometimes it's black and blue, where it hurts the most."

Happy;Thank You;More Please

They ask me how I felt.

Blessed

They ask me how I felt.

Contented

They ask me how I felt.

Thankful

Light;Fuel

Met Cheryl for lunch today, it was short, but I needed it.
I've felt pretty out of touch after being in camp for a couple of days. It should be nothing, really. I had fun. I guess I'm just uncertain about where life goes from here, whether I'm ready, whether I made the right decision.
Sometimes I beat myself up for not appealing to fass. It would have been much better there, I've people I trust and love there. Now, I've to start over, try and maybe not get what i have now. But it's okay, I have to step out of my comfort zone. I can do it.
I'm stepping lightly on optimism these days, looking at the bright side, seeing life through cleaner lenses, searching for something worth being happy about and it's good cos I can always find it.
I'm trying to take things easy, to not be so tensed up, it's working. Sometimes I see myself consciously pushing people I don't want in my life away. I know I'm selfish, I can't help but think for myself.
I'm suddenly reminded of someone saying I'm innocent. I think I am not. I know stuff, yes I may not know all the deep dark stuff of the world but I'm not ignorant, not inexperienced, not a virgin to the world of experiences. Innocent sounds...lowly. Like I'm stupid or timid.
But all is good. I need to throw away careless words that would bring me down. It's strange how words can mean two different meanings to different people. You could have meant it in a positive sense but I chose to see it in a negative point of view. I guess that's why we have to be really really specific when we phrase our words together.
I'm still exhausted. I should catch up on some sleep. Goodnight.

I have everything

Your post really got me thinking about myself. I try to stand outside the circle of me and circle about myself.

I no longer want or need somebody to understand me. Nobody ever could achieve that with anyone else. I accept your inability to grasp onto any part of me. But I guess what really got to me was how I can tell you see me as a disappointment. I am not. I'm cynical but I still love, I act tough and all knowing but I survive, I am selfish but I give. It's not that I don't let on much, I do. I gave you so many many opportunities to understand me but all you can say its hard and you are trying. You are not. You just want to change me into something you feel would be better. More optimistic, more accepting of love. I can't, won't and refuse to change for anyone. Call me stubborn but that's the way I want to live my life. I don't need anyone who can't see how wonderful I am, how I'm trying to survive and be as strong as I can, how I'm trying hard to be positive, optimistic and hopeful. I know the best way to live, and if our ideas clash it doesn't mean we have to change. We just need someone who complements our ideas or someone who accepts.

I guess it wasn't only me who was disappointed. You were. But don't you see, If I were to see myself as a disappointment, would I still need another person in my life who see me as one? No, I don't, not when I'm fighting to be a better person everyday. It's mutual, just that you have already disappointed me to a point where your presence is a constant irritant and reminder of how others see me as a failure.

I'm on the bus now and as we passed orchard and marina bay sans it struck me how there are so many things out there, so many opportunities, so many chances, so many risks, so many rewards, wealth, materialistic satisfaction, everything. So many thiga right in front of me. I will study hard, study smart, do well, improve, improvise, stop believing in fate and start taking chances, grab, hold on to and take and take and take, i will take all I need, take more, take what I want, what I don't want. Everything. In the midst of so many things I could have, I feel the urgency, the drive, the need to succeed. I can't wait for uni to start, I will do well. I will study hard and I will be everything I should be and have everything I want.

Just as tiresome as I thought

When you said that you felt like you gave a lot, I guess what you were trying to say is understanding, tolerating and compromising is a lot of work.

Starships are meant to fly

To my friends who I think is reading this, i hope you don't misunderstand what I meant when I say I don't want to share your problems. To me, when my friends tell me their problems, it affects me mentally, like their problem becomes a potential problem I could face in the future and sometimes it gets pretty negative and down for me. I just feel like I want to be there for you guys when you need me, but I just don't know if I can make friends who would matter as much as you such that it's worth it for me to be more cynical and negative about life. So yeah, I just feel like I should meet more people, make more friends and see the different characters in life. I would make close friends if I ever have a chance to, but I guess part of me feels that it's pretty unlikely so I'm trying to rule out the scenario so I wouldn't be disappointed.

I can't say how happy I feel today, I guess it's not just happy. But more of like a familial feeling, a contentment and security that's beyond what I have with all of my friends. I guess it's cos I've met you guys at a period of my life where I would always want to go back to. And to share the memories with you guys is something I wouldn't ever want to lose or let go. I have faith that it's really possible for us to be friends for a lifetime and I will do my best to make sure we can reach that goal! Haha! I feel like some cheesy person. But yup!

I guess I want to recreate myself, like what car mentioned. I want a beta test to see if I can be a better me and if by being different, i can be better, I want to change. Or improve. It's a matter of perspective I guess. It's not that what I am isn't good enough, but maybe what I could change to be would be better. Or maybe I just want to step out of my comfort zone and routine of sticking to a clique. Well, I don't know, I guess car really did ask a good question! Hahaha, I will probably try to think if I can figure out a better answer!

City

I hate it when I feel myself slipping out of my mind and slowly succumbing to social expectations.

“Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.”

Maybe In Another Universe, I Deserve You « Thought Catalog

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

It has been a long day and sometimes at work I'm so immersed I don't even notice the time. My colleague was telling me to loosen up and smile, take things easy. I remembered the last time someone told me that, my favorite teacher when I was in sec two. She was wonderful really, she made me fall in love with literature and change my view on classic novels. I used to think nothing beats the latest fiction but she showed me the deeper meaning in reading and that is one of the best gift I've ever received.

Sometimes people ask what do you want, as If the answer could somehow bring you what you want, as if they could provide the answer, give me exactly what I want. But that's never the case. No one just want one thing. Everyone wants more than one thing, probably everything. So I don't see why people should ask if they can't give me what I want.

I've been trying to test out different ways to live life and currently I think I'm walking on a path I'm comfortable with. Which reminds me of the time ju , Sharon and I discussed what we expect to have in our life in our late twenties and thirties. Consciously I will wonder if I purposely leave out the things I can't have/don't have now so I wouldn't face disappointment in the future. But I believe I'm not. I believe in what I say is in tangent to what I really want and expect. I realize how my feeling of insufficiency arise from my concrete lack of achievements. I want something to prove my worth, something I can say I have worked hard for and truly deserve the rewards. I want success. I don't believe that's wrong to say it out. Saying I want to have money, power and fame is not materialistic, it's realistic. I know all these can't make you happy but they in some way affect how you would e happy in various aspects.

Even so, I refuse to admit I'm stunted. Recently, someone told me certain stuff she went through has made her look at couples and say to herself how it wouldn't last. I guess that's pretty stunted but it's not unfounded. I understand behind anyone who don't take love seriously is someone who once took love seriously and things did not went the right way. Yes, maybe they should have sucked it up and believe that love is out there and shit but certain things impact people in a way we can't imagine and measure. So I will no longer judge a flirt and say see la, you guys always flirt around one. Maybe they were hurt before or maybe they are just natural flirts or genetically incapable to commit, who knows and seriously who cares? We cant judge people who treats love in a different way from us, it's their choice and their life.

I guess I can start uni life healthily with this mindset. Recognize people as who they are and if they are not compatible with my personality, remain in cordial terms and accept them for who they are. I remember reading somewhere that i may not be perfect but I'm exactly the way god intended me to be. Though I seriously doubt that case applies for every human being, but yeah. Why be so hard on yourself and others? Why strive to change yourself when you are what you are, if people can't deal with it, sorry goodbye then. It's so simple and yet so hard to achieve. But I believe I can. I want to be a people's person, everyone's friend.

Well besides this thought, I've been playing someone like you over in my head. I can't seem to shake off the phrase "sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead." it's so undeniably true. Oh, and I've been trying to figure out the answer to this question, If you are a pizza topping, what topping would you be? Maybe I'm trying to hard to be the most unique topping, maybe I could be the crust that holds everything together, but then I wouldn't be a topping.... Whatever, I'm sleepy now. Goodnight world!

Rationalizing

I remembered telling Sharon some things are too hard and to make things worse, it might not be worth the effort.
She pointed out everything requires effort, living, studying, friends, everything in life. And If it's worth the effort, we would do it no matter how hard it could possibly be.
It's true. But I guess slowly we prioritize the stuff in our life and certain things just get pushed down the list, they become and far below or purposely pushed aside it no longer become important.
I guess maybe I'm starting to really know what I want in and from life. Now I just have to go through with my plan and see where I end up.
On a side note, I'm exhausted. Monday went by too slowly and I've not felt so tired in a long while. I feel like I need a break but I don't think I will be stopping work till the end of second week of July? Sighh. I just need to pull strong. Not everyone gets holiday, I'm lucky to even get one. This is just a prep for the future. I am strong, fighting!

Disappointments

"You can be very difficult."
"I know. Like many things in this world, I'm hardly worth the effort."

A worrier needs a warrior

Sometimes people ask you to tell them more about yourself, more about what you are thinking and feeling and briefly you feel happy. Alas someone is willing to shoulder a little of your burden. But when the words come out, you don't feel that it is being treated as important as it should be. You revealing a part of yourself is not as precious and important as it is to you. And you realize sometimes you don't have to put in any effort. No effort whatsoever because not everyone deserve a chance. Not everyone deserve a piece of you when you don't have many pieces left.

Each time I feel disappointed, I feel angry, anger of almost equal intensity. Because I'm not a cynic, I hate to be a cynic, but I'm turning into a bitter one. And as much as I want to hold my walls, at the darkest hour I feel everything crumbling down, my defenses, my pride, my feelings.

Why. Why is it so difficult to find someone who cares?

Set

Up

To which point do I stop feeling disappointed and learn to take what I get and not expect more?

Jocelyn, you've so much to learn.

Whymustwemeetireallydonotunderstand

1136, you called. I was surprised. I debated with myself and answered your call. Our conversation was surprisingly smooth till we talked about if we could meet up. Not my fault that I'm busy on Sunday, really. I don't have to feel bad. Yes. What's most important was how I felt. I guess I was certain then. That I don't like you the way I want myself to like someone I would potentially be with. I didn't feel extra happy or excited or anything. I just felt normal. I'm glad I've got this sorted out.

I didn't miss you as much as I thought I did. I hope you feel the same way too.

I'm trying to understand the quote "We accept the love we think we deserve."
How is that true when people are innately built to want more, more than they have, more than they need and more than they deserve?

Days are going by quickly and slowly and I'm a little overwhelmed. Besides all that I know that I am happy. I had a wonderful night today and it just gets better everyday. I can't tell if I'm happier because passing each day proves how I can live perfectly well without you or if I'm happier because each day is closer to when I will finally talk to you. I choose to believe in the former. I am ok, I am fine, I am great, I feel infinite at times and most importantly at this present moment I am happy, happier than I remember and happier than I can ever imagine myself to be. And all this takes place without you. That has got to mean something doesn't it? That I am self sufficient, that I am free, that I've no tangible/intangible feelings towards you.

Thinking about all this is strange. All I know Is I have got to make a list of what makes me happy before I feel tiresome. Life will only get better! I believe it will. It will. Because everything I do now would be towards making life better and the entire universe will be on my side as it always have been.

I'm reeking positivity. I want to make this last. I'm rarely positive. I'm glad I've something to hold on to. Glad to e alive, to have so many people I love who loves me. I want to feel like I deserve this. I deserve this.

On a side note, I'm sorry I am not replying your text Cheryl. Replying long texts is getting out of me. I will kick back into the habit of replying you long long texts. Sorry!!

I am so perplexed. Underlying this contentment I feel something unhappy brewing. I will shake this feeling out.

Goodnight.

“Are we all on the same page, Delilah?
The same page? I don't even think we're even in the same library, but no need to bring that up.”

Sarah Ockler, Fixing Delilah

Maybe I shouldn't ask to be on the same page. How could anyone possibly be on the same page with an entirely different being.

Come tomorrow it will seem so yesterday

Yesterday was horrid, I had insomnia. But it gets better everyday, life gets better everyday, I get better everyday.


If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

Marcus Aurelius

Things only affect me if I allow them to. So yup, no affection, no distress.
Somehow eventually I will be a human with robot parts. Life is easier if you're Mr Tin man before he requested to have a heart.

Happiness is a specific. Misery is a generalisation. People usually know exactly why they are happy. They very rarely know why they are miserable.

Dancing juice and look in your eyes

Haven't really had a good sleep these past few days. I hate how I wake up randomly and look at my phone checking for messages.

Tonight I woke up to juliana's tweet to watch the proposal video. It was really really sweet, sweet how much one can do just for the person they love.sweet how despite the cruel reality of life and love people still continue attempt to make it work, to try, to give, to love and to promise.

I believe everyone deserves love. Maybe they might get the kind of love they do no understand or want, or just the kind they want and crave, or only the kind they need, but eventually they get love.

But to me, I believe this quote I saw today. "if you ever find that love is the answer, then you need to rephrase the question."

Goodnight.

She wanted more than he could give

I've been lacking sleep these days. My mood is constantly affected by things that I don't deem important enough.

I like to enjoy time apart from people I'm being increasingly close to. It helps me tell If I can do without them. But i'm pretty sure this time. I know I can do without you and I like that. I hate our conversations. I hate having to explain what I mean, hate having to explain my point of view when all you can and should do is accept it. I hate having to share your problems because they make you tiresome, I hate how I feel things are getting less important to you while it's growing on me. I hate how I have to reply you because I will, I hate obligation, hate the way you phrase your words, hate how your problems rubs off on me, hate how you really really don't understand or know me, hate how you say extend when it should be extent. I hate how I can no longer tell you stuff or enjoy telling you stuff. I hate how you make me compare, make me wait and wait and wait and expect and expect and expect while you constantly disappoint me. I hate how you want me to give when I don't think you've given a whole lot. Well basically I hate a whole lot about you.

So I'm glad we have distance and space. I will grow back into my old routine, where you'll only be on a couple of times until one day you'll slowly leave and new people comes in and they leave and life goes on.

I am going to enjoy myself at admission day tomorrow. Make friends, make a whole fucking lot of friends because you think I don't make friends when I told you I have enough friends and strangers make me uncomfortable in a way you'd never understand. I don't think you ever get how I've repeatedly told you how my friends are enough, more than enough, more than I need and deserve because i think you always brush what i say off. So yes. I hope you eat on your words soon and just freaking agree with me next time because you never make sense, or I'm just stubborn.

I don't know why I'm irritated. It's like I'm quarreling with myself. And yes, I hate how I can never quarrel with you and end up being upset and quarreling with myself. I'm just so fucking tired of what you do to me so I'm done with this. Better off without you anyway.

Thought it may hurt, I want to have control.

I must have control.

I have control.

I hate having to plan my evenings around you

Could time matter differently to two separate beings?

I felt like every second on the phone with you was an utter waste of time. I didn't know what to say, you said what you could think of but the gaps of silent was insistent and nagging.
I hate how I can't understand what you were saying half the time, I hate how I have nothing significant to tell you over the phone, I hate how every minute is so precious to you but it doesn't seem nearly as important if it was mine.
I told you you didn't have to call but you always have an excuse. I am sure how i feel. Each day I'm able to control, tell, analyze my feelings more delicately and precisely. But you can't. I think you can't.
How I see it: after 1030, everything seems to stand still for you, but after 1030 everything goes on for me, I hate to have to worry about what I think you are feeling. I hate how we are not balanced or on the same page. I hate how I can't tell you things I think about, things I worry about because I can't. I hate how you can't remember what you wanted to tell me because I want you to make a mistake so I can grab hold of it, hold it against you, use it to my advantage, dissolve my guilt with self preservation.
I hate myself, I hate how I can't tell anyone what i think about. I tried, but after I typed it out, it's so small. My problems, my worries, my everything is so useless, so unworthy, so pointless.

I hate how up till now, I can't tell what I want. I hate how I don't know. Don't know everything I want to know.

I am so tired.
I want to fix myself but I can't and I can't let anyone do it. Can I walk around with pieces missing, missed and mistreated? Can I look whole when I'm missing? Can I be me if I'm not me, but what is left of me?

I'm sleeping. Things get too hard when I'm not.

Waiting

I like rushing, especially rushing to meet my friends or my family or anyone significant. I find rushing around increases the anticipation of meeting your friend, makes everything even extra exciting, extra doses of I look forward to meeting you/I miss you so much.
That's why people who are late disappoint me sometimes. Maybe they look forward just as much to meet me, but the wait just smoothen out any anticipation, douse the excitement.
I hate people who makes me wait.
But not as much as I hate myself for waiting.

Disoriented

1017
You called. I was surprised while I stared at my screen. I didn't want to pick up but I knew what it was like to wait on the other side.

I couldn't hear what you were saying, I didn't know why you called. I couldn't recognize your voice, you sound weird.
I feel weird. You asked if I could hear the guys laughing at you in the background. I pretended I couldn't understand what you were saying.

When people have time to think, they know just what to say.

When the call ended, I was confused. I still didn't know why you called and I don't want to know why. I thought i was very clear. A part of me know I shouldn't have answered. I shouldn't have answered.
You no longer confuse me. I think you've slightly shaken my control. I hate that. I hate what I think you make me feel.

I wish I was asleep.

I think I brought my point across well. Indirectly. I could see you got it from how your face fell. Despite so, all I can think of is how you've never once fought against any of my decisions.

That scares me. I don't know if I'm not worth fighting for or you are just not a fighter.

I can't have that. I need someone more stubborn than me, more persistent, someone who really believes I'm worth it even when I know I'm not.

I guess things don't work out the way you want it to. You should have fought. I'm not as strong willed as before. But I'm glad you didn't. Really.

Fall in love when you are ready

“Love did not bring happiness, it did not last, and it ended in pain. She did not want to believe this, and she was not certain that she did; perhaps she feared it was true in her own life, and her fear had become a feeling that tasted like disbelief.”

Andre Dubus, Dancing After Hours

Thursday

3.25 am.
I fell asleep at 9. Woke up and now I can't go back to sleep. I miss being so tired my eyelids close uncontrollably. I try to force them open, to look at my phone an reply texts but I can't.

It's like you're slowly letting go of the rope, going down bit by bit before you lose conscious. I like that feeling, feeling myself completely relaxed and letting go and submitting to sleep.

Take me away.

X

Explain the differences between expecting and waiting.

What is the meaning of marriage?
A legalization of your love?
A validation of the extend of your commitment?
A promise to love and hold each other till the end?

Or could it be a reason to have children in socially acceptable circumstances?
Or Is it the only way to start a family because a couple who have kids are not family without a legalized form that took place?

To me marriage is for love. To continue the love you have by promising each other you will love and be true till the end of your lives. The decision to have children is just like the decision of other things in your shared life. Which is why I do not understand some people's rejection of same sex marriage. Why can't two people in love love each other the same way a man can love a woman? Isn't love without prejudice and purely feelings and a step of faith? Yes, the idea of marriage is sacred but so is love. Love is the magic on the lips of lovers, love is the warmth you feel in your coldest spot in your heart, love is the reason why you give, forgive, compromise and accept.

Love, is absolutely nothing if you don't want it. But when you have it, it's like the most important word you'd utter if you were to breathe your last, the reason why you start believing in miracles and the day you would give everything you have to save the person you love.

Maybe I'm too idealistic and I have yet to consider the social consequences but in the words of Shakespeare, "I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest."
Love is everyone's and when it strikes, who are we to forbid it?

I wished I have you pegged down. Wouldn't it be better if you could just define yourself, claim you know yourself best. Sometimes I hate how I don't know myself, I don't understand my thoughts, my actions or my reasons.

Sharon told me to write a letter to my 30 year old self. It's sad cos I'm afraid I will be the same even when I'm much much older.

I guess it's time to look for myself.

Lesson 2:
Be other worldly, in a sense where what others say would not affect you. No guilt. I do not need to feel guilty. I do not care.

Lesson 1:
Always say what you mean.

Shiver, coldplay

How we try to steal pockets of time. 13 minutes of your supposed lights off you are still texting just because I woke up 8 minutes after the lights off. But I'm so tired. I'm too tired. Of this, of life, of how we can only have stolen time and discontinued conversations trying to bring it back up but failing. I wondered how you could do it. I'm too tried but despite the aching back and sweaty forehead from a uncomfortable nap, I'm texting you while I'm tired and uncomfortable.
Is that what people do? Go against the wishes of their bodies and eventually get used to doing what they don't want.
Disappointment. Arise from expectations. But as days past I realize my expectations of you are as minimal as i can afford it to be. But why. Why am I still waiting when it's going to be arriving later and later. You try. You try you try you try. But all I do is give up, get disappointed and further and further away from the spot where I used to be.
1051. Not waiting anymore. I'm detesting myself more by the minute.

A breathe of fresh air.
The light at the end of the tunnel.
The candles kept in the drawers in case there isn't electricity.
The bolster who knew how weak you could be at night.
The blanket who keeps you warm and safe.
The torch who shines your path as you are navigating through the dark.
The answer.
The reason why you can walk among crowds and not feel attracted to anyone because you are spoken for.
A soulmate.
The birthday candles that re-lights no matter how many times you blow it out.
The voice your ears stretch to listen to.
The scent that reminds you of him.
The words that you couldn't say.
The lies that you no longer need to say.
The tears that fall from the other eye for the first time this time.
The known.
The rock.
The waves that keeps kissing the shore no matter how many times it was sent back.
The answer to all your prayers.
The reason you feel happier.
The point b.
The one who paints you at the back of his hand.
The one who carry you and his heart on his sleeve.
The one who says yes before you could ask him anything.
The one you can put your armor down and surrender.
The peacekeeper.
The one who had crossed oceans.
The one who needs to fly.
The one who knows you best.
The one who holds your hand.
The one who knows this isn't luck. This is a gift.
The one who is a cynic, an idealist and a risk taker.
The one who traces your veins, follow the flow of your blood and life and stays with you no matter what.
The one who dances to your unique rhythm.
The one who speaks in a language you both know.
The one who calls you at 3am.
The one who cried.
The one, the one you can give your heart to while holding his in your hand and no longer hold anything else in the world because there is nothing else more precious or valuable than what you are holding on to.
The one who would never let go no matter how you beg him to, not because he is selfish or committed, but because he couldn't help himself.

A mutual addiction, reliance and entity.

Nothing

12.36
I'm lying on my bed, watching videos of poetry slams, wishing I was there live, crying my hearts out while I hear every word they say because they understand. Understand what one can feel in the middle of the night, understand the ache one can have beyond ones' own understanding, understand ones' sadness when one should be happy. understand what I can't explain.
I cry when their words resonates in my heart, cry when I hear the choke or pause in their throat because they are brought back to their past, cry because it hurts, it hurts to know that so many people out there have hurt like me.
1242
At this moment I realize how badly I need to call someone so I wouldn't feel so lonely, how I need someone to hold me as I weep for something I don't understand, someone who can understand what I feel. But there's no such person out there. No such person I could totally trust and lean on. My sadness is unexplainable. What I can't say or understand myself shows how much I don't even know about myself. I said how you don't know me but do I know myself? I don't.
1245
Besides the infinite differences I could list out between us. The only thing that striked me is if you were to say the time, you wouldn't have said it's 1246, you'd have said 0046 and that says everything to me. I don't know how but it does.
I feel very tired. And all I know now is I don't need someone to see me, to fix me, to save me. I need to forget. I need to forget. I need to forget.

“You aren’t just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can’t imagine giving that up again. You might not understand, but I gave you the best of me, and after you left, nothing was ever the same.”
Nicholas Sparks, The Best of Me

To my first love.

I can't help it. The disappointments and fluctuations I have are more than I can take. It's like I wish I will try. But I can't try. Not with someone I can't trust.

"Lending Out Books"
Hal Sirowitz

You're always giving, my therapist said.
You have to learn how to take. Whenever
you meet a woman, the first thing you do
is lend her your books. You think she'll
have to see you again in order to return them.
But what happens is, she doesn't have the time
to read them, & she's afraid if she sees you again
you'll expect her to talk about them, & will
want to lend her even more. So she
cancels the date. You end up losing
a lot of books. You should borrow hers.

Disappointment has a name

Sometimes when people tell me to stop thinking too much it makes me wonder if they would heed their own advice in any scenario life throws at their face.

I can't. I can't not think. I am only capable of thinking, thinking too little and over thinking, thinking negatively, being realistic, being self centered and thinking of consequences. That's how I protect myself. I start by building something with my thoughts, as it piles up I slowly learn how to protect myself.

"don't let your guard down."
"it's not right."
"it'd never work."
"I don't need you to be happy."
"I can't afford to be broken again."

Yes. This is how I get my answers. My thoughts pile up so high one day I wouldn't be able to see you even if I tiptoe and try to crawl to the other side. It's not that I'm not open minded. I can't loosen up. I can't let myself do what I want. I can only think what do I need. What do I need. What do I do so I can survive one more tedious day ahead.

When you told me you wanted me to be happy, you don't know what makes me happy. The moment doesn't count for me. I don't live for the present or for moments. I live to survive, I live so I can trudge on ahead for the rest of my life. You could never make me happy. Nothing could ever make me happy. I set myself up for disappointment. That's my idea of happiness. To not be disappointed or more unhappy than I already am.

I crumble under reality so easily I can give you up in a minute just so I can protect myself. One face off with reality and I felt myself let loose of the thread. Do you know what it's like at that moment for me? A release. A bitter one nonetheless. I laugh at my ability to have the slightest faith even when I subconsciously know I'm going to get disappointed. But I guess that's what I need. This moment is enough to straighten my spine and leave my throat tightened and bitter.

Life is made up of reality, not big big dreams you came up with when you're a little girl.

Neon

I'm suddenly reminded by a paragraph in The little Prince. The part where the fox explains to the prince why he should tame it.

On the second night, you had me waiting by the phone. I slept at 9 and woke up 36 minutes later because a part of me doesn't want to sleep through your call and the other part of me is waiting to hear from you. I've told you how sometimes I get disappointed by what others do with or without ill intentions and I start to lose faith in them slowly but surely. Despite so, i can't do that to you now. Even though I've waited, I'm not losing anything though I desperately want to.

If this is falling, I hope you let me crash till I hurt so bad I would never fall again. Because believing anything good will happen to me is like wearing my heart on my sleeve; asking to be ripped apart expecting not to when you gave someone a chance to do it.

Please don't let this be me falling

You're making yourself a spot in my life. That's scary. Very scary how I notice when you're not there, how I think I'm missing you. How I would wake up from my sleep, surprised cos you called and smiling even though I'm really sleepy. My feelings for you are scaring me. Distance. Maybe this is just a temporary illusion of what distance does to someone.

Maybe you are not sure but I am. I think I am.

It scares me how I'm getting used to some things. You told me you don't expect anything. You're lying. I think you're lying. How could you not.

I don't want to try because there isn't a point in trying if it's not going to end well. I don't know why others can't see the end when I do so perfectly.

I'm too flighty. It's not that I'm not good. I think I'm not right. Not right for this or for you. People should be looking for something that fits. A puzzle, a temporary missing piece that is finally found. Maybe I'm not a piece, I'm too much or a work. Maybe I'm the glue, the motion that bring and witness other pieces come together.

Even though I'm not right I hope I didn't make things bad for you. That's the last thing I want. Really.

Love is not always magic

When I was young "I said I love you in a language I yet know how to speak."
I love you
I love you
I love you

"The unbearable weight of staying"
Warsan Shire

i don’t know when love became elusive
what i know, is that no one i know has it
my fathers arms around my mothers neck
fruit too ripe to eat, a door half way open
when your name is a just a hand i can never hold
everything i have ever believed in, becomes magic.

i think of lovers as trees, growing to and
from one another searching for the same light,
my mothers laughter in a dark room,
a photograph greying under my touch,
this is all i know how to do, carry loss around until
i begin to resemble every bad memory,
every terrible fear,
every nightmare anyone has ever had.

i ask did you ever love me?
you say of course, of course so quickly
that you sound like someone else
i ask are you made of steel? are you made of iron?
you cry on the phone, my stomach hurts

i let you leave, i need someone who knows how to stay.

Utterly

I'm scared but I can't say it loud. I can never say the things I feel intensely about. I'm hoping you would see that. You would see through me.
I'm reminded of the scene where chuck and blair met at the paris train station. From her beautiful red dress to the tears swelling in her eyes, to chuck's love and forlorn. But the music is what did it for me. "I'm in here. Can anybody see me? Can anybody help?"
Sometimes everyone wants to put their shields down. But they can't.
Maybe I don't know what I want, so I go after what others have and I don't so I can fill up the gaps.
It's time to figure myself out.

There's no story if there's no hope of change.

This site is too pessimistic and it's all about love, love, love. To quote effy, what is love good for? Absolutely nothing.
I'm too negative and it's time to look on the bright bright side.
Welcome sunshine. Let's hope it doesn't rain too long.

All I can say is that I was enchanted to meet you

Please don't be in love with someone else. Please don't have somebody waiting on you.

Stay

I let you leave, I need someone who knows to stay.

I offer you lean streets, desperate sunsets, the
moon of the jagged suburbs.
I offer you the bitterness of a man who has looked long and long at the lonely moon.

I offer you my ancestors, my dead men, the ghosts that living men have honoured in bronze:
my father's father killed in the frontier of Buenos Aires, two bullets through his lungs, bearded and dead, wrapped by his soldiers in the hide of a cow; my mother's grandfather--just twenty-four--heading a charge of three hundred men in Peru, now ghosts on
vanished horses.

I offer you whatever insight my books may hold,
whatever manliness or humour my life.
I offer you the loyalty of a man who has never been loyal.

I offer you that kernel of myself that I have saved, somehow--the central heart that deals not
in words, traffics not with dreams, and is untouched by time, by joy, by adversities.

I offer you the memory of a yellow rose seen at sunset, years before you were born.
I offer you explanations of yourself, theories about yourself, authentic and surprising news of yourself.

I can give you my loneliness, my darkness, the hunger of my heart; I am trying to bribe you with uncertainty, with danger, with defeat.


Jorge Luis Borges, What can I hold you with?

You drink so you will get drunk so you will forget

Sooner or later in life the things you've got, you lose.

Time after time

I'm cynical.
I'm scared of rejection.
I worry a lot.
I tend to think negatively.
I give others bad first impression.
I'm not observant.
I'm wary of the opposite sex.
I don't make friends easily.
I've low self esteem.
I'm sarcastic.
I'm scared of people who have an emotional hold on me.
I like to be alone and yet I'm lonely.
I share problems I no longer think are problems.
I'm bad at expressing what I really feel.
I hurt others so they wouldn't hurt me first.
I like to think i'm smart when I'm not.
I get hurt easily.
I say I don't believe in love but sometimes I do.
I want to be happy but everything I do is keeping me away from being happy.
I make bad decisions.
I procrastinate too much.
I'm too lazy.
I'm aimless.
I like to give others advice I don't heed myself.
I think about issues but I always circle around them and never truly understand them.
I've many unhappiness inside me but sometimes I forget them.
I think humans are alone no matter who they have beside them but I crave companion.
I don't care.
I can't express myself the way I want to.
I'm afraid of showing emotions to those I'm not close to.
I'm afraid of failure but I never fight to keep what's mine.
I want too many things I know I'll never have.
I wonder how much I deserve and never appreciate what I have.
I sink, fall, collapse too often.
I expect too much from others.
I'm very forgetful.
I remember so little what's important.
I don't realize when I've hurt others.
I regret too much.
I never know and do what's right.
I'm a wreck and I hope someone can fix me.

I'm trying to swim so I won't sink.
I'm trying to pick myself up when I fall.
I'm trying to be stronger so I won't collapse.
I like to think things can't get any worse.
This is my type of faith.

That's the problem with strangers. You become friends and then comes trust and reliance. I hate being reliant on a person. I hate having to bother about someone who means nothing. But that's the problem. Strangers are nothing but friends are not.

“Goodbye,” said the fox. “Here is my secret. It’s quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes. . . . It’s the time that you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important. . . . People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said, “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose. . . .”

The little prince


Maybe this is what it means to love someone.

Tame me

“What makes the desert beautiful,” said the little prince, “is that somewhere it hides a well…”

The little prince

Don't

I realize I can never tell people my problems. I don't like to talk about my problems. I can't talk about my problems. I just can't.

I wonder how the people who can't speak ever vent their anger. Do they choke on the words they can't speak or swallow them bitterly? Do they push it back to their throat and let their tears speak for itself.

I am very upset. And I don't know why. I am very upset. And I feel like I can never get out of it. People are horrible. Too horrible. They can't help but be a disappointment.

I am a disappointment. I can't help but be a disappointment.

It struck me how nothing in this world is ever mine. Whatever I had is given. I can link it back to the person every object belongs too. Nothing is mine. Is that really true? Is anything mine?

You know what they say about the place behind your eyes and before your tear ducts. I used to be there. But I'm not anymore.

Now I'm just a vessel of unhappiness. I reek of failure and self disappointment. I'm so upset. I'm really very upset.

Not

Me

Problems

Their

Sometimes

Wish

I

They

Will

Tell

I think people unconsciously try to make others feel worse when they are having a bad day. It may be unintentional but it's vile. We can be so selfish.

There are days I feel nobody in this world gets me. This feeling is suffocating and very depressing.

You leave me undone

“Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.”

Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters

I played the cards too late
And now you're gone.

You

"What are you afraid of?"
"I'm not afraid!"
He came closer. "Like hell."
"That you'll stop." it wrenched out of her as she griped behind her back. Once started, the words rushed out quickly and ran together. "That you'll decide you never really loved me anyway. And I'll have let myself want and start depending and needing you. I've spent most of my life working on not depending on anyone, not for anything."

Boundary lines, Nora Roberts

Someone who would never let go of your hands

And if I open my heart again, I guess I'm hoping you'd be there for me in the end.

Unfortunately there are times where the truth makes everything seems like a lie.

Blues

I hate people who slowly egg their way into my life and make me reliant on them.

"I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest."

William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing

L

I cried while reading the first real conversation Katniss and Peeta had after District 13 rescued him from the Capitol.

It's too real. The pain of having someone who loved you so much he managed to see past your flaws yet eventually realizing how terribly flawed you are. It striked me that I am afraid if I were to love someone he would do that to me. He would eventually see how truly horrible I am, how I am unworthy of love.

Weakness. That's what love is. Being weak. Having a weakness. leaving yourself unguarded, vulnerable and open to hurt.

"I must have loved you a lot."
"You did." My throat catches and I pretend to cough.
"And did you love me?" he asks.
I kept my eyes on the tiled floor. "Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me."
"That's not an answer." he tells me.

It takes a long time before I get to the bottom of why I'm so upset. When I do, it's almost too mortifying to admit. All those months of taking it for granted that Peeta thought I was wonderful are over. Finally he can see me for who I really am. Violent. Distrustful. Manipulative. Deadly.
And I hate him for it.

MockingJay, Suzzane Collins

The hunger games

He pulls away first and gives me a wry smile. "I knew you'd kiss me."
"How?" I say. Because I didn't know myself.
"Because I'm in pain," he says. "That's the only way I get your attention."

Yes

"You love me. Real or not real? "
"Real."

"You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him, you know."

If you put your ear to her wrist you would hear her heart.

May the odds be ever in your favor

I want to have faith.
I must have faith.

Nothing like you and i

You know how some people would promise to love you forever. I wouldn't want or expect you to do that. I want you to love me forever because you can't help it, because you love me with so much of your heart there is nothing substantial left for anyone.

The sort of love that bring tears to the back of your eyes when you think of it. The sort of love that makes you have a catch in your throat when you remember me. The sort of love that makes me want to fall asleep and wake up knowing I'm enveloped in your love regardless of your presence.

I wouldn't demand to be your world. But I would be, I wouldn't have to ask but I would be. That's what I want, a requited, mutual love and existence.




" As if the man who once upon a time had been a boy who promised he'd never fall in love with another girl as long as he lived kept his promise, it wasn't because he was stubborn or even loyal. He couldn't help it."

I wish for you

We would watch the Northern lights together while I snuggled against you.

Our bodies like magnets, like fitted puzzles, like moth and fires. Because I want to believe there is one person out there for me and I want to know that when I see you, I know that the one i'm looking for is you. And nothing else in the past would matter.

Rusted Willowed and Dissolved

“
My heart is so small
it’s almost invisible.
How can You place
such big sorrows in it?

“Look,” He answered,
“your eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world."



Rumi, My heart is so small ; translated by Maryam Mafi and Azima Mellita Kolin

It would help if I'm angry with you. But I am not. I am angry with myself.

And that makes a whole lot of difference.

Just ended a call with a really nasty person. Just when I was about to explode I suddenly find this whole situation funny and ridiculous. I mean that's what she wants right. Me to flare up and get me into trouble.
Not to mention, I have good control of my emotions. I will not be coerced to flare up and lose control of my temper. Good job Jocelyn!

You were once in my rear view mirror.

I need to embrace the future. But it sucks that some people exist just to make you remember the past.

I must be strong.
I must be strong.
I must be strong.

My dad told me people work their ass off for things they want especially if they are hungry for success.

I'm not hungry. I wonder If I ever was hungry.

Right now all I feel is how I've been floating by and rowing randomly as and when I like.

I feel like if I were a casino game, I would never win. I'm playing against the banker. And the player never wins. The banker always does.

I wonder how it feels like to be like gold. To feel like gold. When I flip I coin, I would call heads and it would be heads. The entire universe would conspire with me to succeed. I can never lose.

But that's not me. I never win.
I always lose.

The difficulty
with love, I want to say, is sometimes
you only know afterwards that it’s arrived
or left.

Saudade (Portuguese):
The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist.”
It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting desire for a lost love, or for an imaginary, impossible, never-to-be-experienced love. Whether the object has been lost or will never exist, it feels the same to the seeker, and leaves her in the same place: She has a desire with no future. Saudade doesn’t distinguish between a ghost, and a fantasy. Nor do our broken hearts, much of the time.

Steel ladies

I had an amazing dinner with Sharon last night. I missed talking to her. She's one of the few people whose presence comfort me. She's so nervous about results and I thought I had totally no faith but she's srsly faith-less. Which is funny cos I can see her getting the As she worked so hard for. No matter what, I hope we both do well and end up at the same uni. We've been in the same school since we were 7 and friends since we were 9. Hopefully we will all do well. I need to have some confidence. Srsly.
I woke up this morning frightened cos I thought it was thursday and I'm getting my results on Friday. Imagine what I would feel tomorrow.

Issues

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a final mess but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, Florence and The Machine

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.
It's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don't know what to do cos I'll never be with you.

But it's time to face the truth.
I will never be with you.

Friday.
I'm nervous.

Byronic

"Nothing seduces a woman quicker than a trace of sadness in the eyes."

It must have been love. But it is over now.

I've been thinking of my infatuation with love recently. I'm seriously infatuated with love. Somedays I'm slightly obsessed with love stories and hoping that love would drop on my feet soon. Every other day I would be all nonchalant and dismissing love as unnecessary and redundant in my life. I don't need it/I'm still young/love hurts, you're better off alone.
I think the reason why I'm hung up on it is because I don't possess it. You know how you only take interest about something when others have it while you don't or you idolize it too much and hoping it would shed some light on you. That's the way I explain my situation. I've been in a 'dry spell' for way too long(in my opinion) and probably watching too many unrealistic dramas and witnessing the sweet moments of love from my friends, I can't deny it makes me want to be in love. But my dad is right. I'm still young (though not too young), love struck at times when it's the right moment and times when it isn't, at times when you're ready and at times when you're not but it comes eventually. I have to believe that. That when it's my time I will get what I think I want or maybe not. It's true that there are a million other things to want in the world. And there is no reason to be hung up on one of the more glamorized stuff. And not anyone will do! That's the problem. That's what I'm worried of. That nobody will do, that after all this while I've raised and unrealistic expectations of love and I will never be happy enough, satisfied, with what I'm given. I don't want to think about it. I'm trying not to but it's hard. But I'm trying to see the bright side of this situation. I'm learning to be independent. Just in case I have no one to rely on in future, I can say I can rely on myself. Live and survive alone. Plus, there is this saying that goes, you live alone,you die alone. Everything else is just an illusion. Which I partly believe in. And most importantly I have two great loves in my life. My family and my friends. I can have more but I'm happy and lucky enough to have them.
Maybe it's time I learn to love myself.

How Do You Know
Joe Mills

How do you know if it’s love? she asks,
and I think if you have to ask, it’s not,
but I know this won’t help. I want to say
you’re too young to worry about it,
as if she has questions about Medicare
or social security, but this won’t help either.
“You’ll just know” is a lie, and one truth,
“when you still want to be with them
the next morning” would involve too
many follow-up questions. The difficulty
with love, I want to say, is sometimes
you only know afterwards that it’s arrived
or left. Love is the elephant and we
are the blind mice unable to understand
the whole. I want to say love is this
desire to help even when I know I can’t,
just as I couldn’t explain electricity, stars,
the color of the sky, baldness, tornadoes,
fingernails, coconuts, or the other things
she has asked about over the years, all
those phenomena whose daily existence
seems miraculous. Instead I shake my head.
I don’t even know how to match my socks.
Go ask your mother. She laughs and says,
I did. Mom told me to come and ask you.


From Zing's blog. Love is too vast a matter to comprehend.

10 days to taking results. I think I'm slowly dying inside.

Just a moment ago while I was on the train home, one of the smrt staff started blowing his whistles and people start getting off the train. I am very amused by how people seems to know they were supposed to get off the train and well, how ridiculous the situation seems to be.
That's good, to be amuse I mean. I'm rarely amused by such events. It's good that I'm not stressed up over the upcoming a level results. Right....