“I filled my gas tank to 33 dollars and 33 cents

and told you it was for you

because it was your favorite number.

I organized our belongings

(white t-shirts—books—toothbrushes—
baby,
this is where we keep our sweaters)

as if using the word “our” would embed myself
 into what you call home.

I bought flowers from a homeless man
because you are a botany major.

I wanted to bring them to you,

wilting and loveless, and show you how

I can nurture something worth saving.

There is a five-finger scar above my breast.

There is an orchestra on my neck shaped like your pulse

from all the nights you held me the way
you only hold something slipping.

There are 6 states

pressed like stubborn flowers

between the last time I kissed you and today,

but you still feel like a sound caught in my throat.”

Sierra DeMulder, “During the Month it Took You to Leave Me”

“but what you don’t see is this clock that says midnight and this heart in myself running on empty. What you do see is that what mattered most doesn’t matter anymore.”

Charles Bukowski

“I shouldn’t even be here. After all I have done to myself and after all they have done to me I ought to be kneeling to the gods and giving thanks. Instead, I deride their kindness by being impatient with the world. Maybe a damned good night’s sleep will bring me back to a gentle sanity. But at the moment, I look about this room and, like myself, it’s all in disarray”

Charles Bukowksi

Therearedaysyoucantsayfuckitidontwanttoremember

"I want to hear about everything since we’ve been apart. I want to start over. Let’s talk about the holidays we missed. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. All days when I wanted to reach out to you but didn’t. Tell me about the times you wanted to say ‘next song, please’ when The Weeknd started playing in your friends car and it reminded you of when I surprised you with concert tickets and I thought that was the best thing I’d ever done for someone. That doesn’t say much about me, but that was love. Love was having one hundred dollars to my name and still finding the ends to take you to dinner and buy a pack of malboros. Read this and tell me I’m crazy again. ‘It’s not healthy to get your hopes up’ and I know that but you have to understand that’s not what this is about. Tell me about the nights, over and over that you didn’t forget about me, there just wasn’t a reason to remember - and I’ll tell you that there were days that I wanted to call but never did. Let’s bullshit about work and the exhausting customers and how we could have been tired and happy together but never quite were. But let’s not look back because that never works. You’ve never asked what’s in my moleskine but if you ever did I’d probably never tell you that there’s a dozen pages, some scribbled out and some barely legible, about you. You would never read it and I could never forget what it says. I want to hear what you did with our polaroids and I’ll lie to you, ‘I’m sorry, I lost the ones that I had.’ What did you do with the three books that I gave you, anyway? Let’s talk about how they became part of the the foundation of our relationship, how we started out with me sending you quotes and how it became nothing more than an over-romanticizing mistake that worked only for a while. It’s because of that, I want to start over. Life has been dull, I want you to tell me I’m crazy again. 

-from my moleskine dated january 19th"

Chipotlechickenburrito.tumblr.com


This makes me feel like I sat out in the rain too long and when it finally stopped, it didn't make any difference.

I tell you what you already know

If you love me, with all that you are,
If you love me, I'll make you a star in my universe.
You'd never have to go to work.
You'll spend everyday shining your light my way.

Here I go.
I tell you what you already know.
Here I go.
If you love me, with all of your heart.

Iffy

My life is slowly changing, bit by bit but I can see it slowly becoming different. Now, I can't really put my foot down and try to make things different, I'm taking a back seat this time. No more shotgun, it doesn't pay to see where you are heading before others. I'm feeling like a winner and loser at the same time because I'm simultaneously losing and gaining something.

Tired