because you never asked me to stay

When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve wandered a few feet off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.

live till you've nothing left to lose

i'm really really tired. i swear i have homework up till my neck and i just cant study knowing i've so much homework and knowing that i've a test i've yet to study for in 2 days time, and knowing promos is in a month time.
i feel suffocated, so tired and i just keep sleeping and when i studies it doesnt get into my head and i'm so exasperated and fustrated i just hates having to do fucking homework, eom and study for stupid promos and all that shit. i dont get it why it has to be like that or why am i like that. and god knows what the hell i'm doing here ranting when well, i should be doing fucking eom which i swear is never ending. i probably will never ever meet expectations and then die of the horrors of not getting promoted and not getting an a for pw. i hate my life.


I think I’ll be a clown when I get grown,” said Dill. “Yes, sir, a clown…. There ain’t one thing in this world I can do about folks except laugh, so I’m gonna join the circus and laugh my head off.”
“You got it backwards, Dill,” said Jem. “Clowns are sad, it’s folks that laugh at them.”
“Well, I’m gonna be a new kind of clown. I’m gonna stand in the middle of the ring and laugh at the folks.
To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee.

you're the best thing that has ever been mine

To love. To be loved.
To never forget your own insignificance.
To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you.
To seek joy in the saddest places.
To pursue beauty to its lair.
To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple.
To respect strength, never power.
Above all, to watch. To try and understand.
To never look away.
And never, never, to forget.

beautiful soul

Hello,
i've been wasting time since i've got home yesterday after dinner till nowww, doing nothingg but slacking and sleeping and eating and i think i'm rather irritated with myself. nevertheless i think i neeeddd a tweeny weeeny break. okay, maybe i dont deserve it and i've so much hw to complete anddd i'm going to die trying to finish them and doing pw stuff and studying the the econs test coming up and promos.
i've frequently encouraged myself and said that i can do it, i can study hard and all that shit but obviously it didnt work out. i think i need to figure out my problem and probably try to solve it before promos or smth. i'm starting to doubt if i can actually promote. i think scraping past is still possible but i wonder if thats what i want. i mean its all about doing well for a levels. what if i cant cope for j2 stuff because i insisted on promoting when i'm not actually read to take on what is coming up for me. i know it sounds like i'm being rather pessimistic but i'm being realistic. but i think i will continue working on working hard. hahahah that sounds funny. i was proud of myself cause i did like practice questions for tuition cause i promised my tuition teacher that i will do more questions. though it was only like 16 qns? and 5 that i can't do at all. but i did something. my tuition teacher is the kind of ppl i rarely meet. those optimistic kind, like super optimistic. i'm pessimistic and i kind of hate optimistic ppl causee like they're not beinggg realistic anddd all that? but i think he has been infuencing me in belieiving in myself that i could make it. just like my teachers in tkgs who constantly told us that we can do it and be there for us and everything. mjc lacks that kind of teachers and its so sad cause life is harder and tougher and you've no one there to spur you on and encourage you and tell you that you'll be fine at the end. But i've learnt from an inspiring movie i seen recently: 3 idiots. you've to go watch it, its amazing!!! the guy there says, our hearts scare easily, so you need to constantly tell it, all is well. so even when things go wrong, you can at least have the courage to face it and try. he is really strong and positive, someone i strive to be like. i wonder what my life will be 5 years, 10 years, 15 years from now. i wish that i can be happy and i wish that i can have a wonderful job, have my close friends with me, have my family there to support me and well, maybe find the one. but i've to go through the hard parts first before i get to the happy parts and finally the happpy ending. i should stop thinking about now, stop trying to cram everything and rush everything out, but rather work it out and understand it and make full use of the time i have left. i should not be hard on myself whenever i need a break. i believe i can keep a balance between study and play. its promos and i've to make it or else how can i even dream about ace-ing a levels. well, i guess i've to end with i can do it. again. hahahaha. its so ironic, its like i'm debating with myself. welll, i better start reading econs and lit andddd do math and start studying phyics.
till the next time i ranttt, byeeee!



To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
Anatole France

so lucky, so strong, so proud

i wonder why i feel lost so often, and why i feel okay after a few days and then i'm back to feeling lost.
i havent been making full use of the weekend and friday but i did what i could. i've to quickly send the wr and do whatever econs stuff and study for physics quiz. there is so many physics quizzes recently. sometimes i feel like i'm in a bottle, those beer kind, with the really thin long necks. when i'm so sick and tired and i want to get out, i've to squeeze and squeeze through that thin column to try to get out. but when i finally got out, i realise being out was not good as i expect it to be, and then i wish to return, to that bottle, to that hole. well, i dont know what i want actually, but someone told me that when you dont know what you're doing and what you want, just do whatever you're supposed to do and you'll get to somewhere eventually.
i promise to work hard for promos, after that i need to escape. i will have to go somewhere or experience something new. till then, i shall just do my work.


What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away. And never knowing what could’ve been and not saying that loving you is what I was trying to do.
Rascal Flatts “What Hurts The Most”

one door closes and another one opens.

Do you know what hurts the most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before.
Cassie Ainsworth, Skins

i remember reading from somewhere that, you only live life once, but the way i'm living it, once is enough. i think its like my 2.4. like i dont bother trying to pass, so i've to keep running and running and running. but why do i've to run like repeatedly if i'm going to fail anyway? i think to look at this positvely, the teachers just want to push me to reach my best, or to aim for what is seemingly impossible. i think i need to change my mindset. mummy told me once that i'm too negative. amelia says that i dont believe in myself enough. i cant remember when was the last time i believed in myself, believed that i can do it, than i can make it. well, i do occassionally but i probably dont really really believe so deep down inside me. i think i've to change my mindset. and maybe learn more about myself along the way. hmmmmm, self discoveryy??
well, i've to go study soon. i think i'm studying too little. its bad. sigh.