Silently exploding into a million sparks when I hear mayer singing the line "testing me, testing me, testing me". Can I marry him now or what. Allow me to cup my hands and fawn for just. Second more! 

Testing you testing me testing you

Down to the wire

I wanted water but

I'll walk through the fire

If this is what it takes

To take me even higher

Then I'll come through

Like I do

When the world keeps

Testing me, testing me, testing me

John Mayer, Vultures

Security

Gravity is working against me. 

Gravity wants to bring me down. 

Passive aggressive

Freedom is not when you are here and couldn't be at any other place but you are wishing more than anything else that you could be there but you can't. 

Freedom is when you could be here or there and it wouldn't matter where you were. You're just where you are and there's nowhere you need to be. 

Discover me, discovering you

Currently sitting at an outdoor garden of terminal 1. Despite my slight worry that I don't have enough sun protection on, I'm feeling much better cos I was sneezing non stop from all the dust. As I look on at the connection area that links people from the airport to their plane, I feel... Rooted. I no longer feel the need to be leaving what I've behind even for a couple of days. I feel right, comfortable where i am right now. And it's nice. Nice to not want to take flight and crave leaving things behind and waiting around hoping to leave. 

Yesterday night I was doing some minor stalking, terribly embarrassing but true. I shouldn't have done so though. Does seeing people that disappointed you before currently living well upset you? I know I shouldn't hope that people is living in misery but it upset me sometimes how other people move on and leave behind things so easily. I just hate knowing sometimes that I still feel some things for people that don't matter. I don't want to hate, to pine. I just want to feel nothing towards these people. Nothing, Indifference. 

I just feel that it's hard to tell people how you feel sometimes. They don't know who you are well enough to know how much little things will affect you. They can't stand from your perspective and see things the way you do. I think it's scary meeting new people some times. Having to explain to them why you feel the way you feel. It's just... Exhausting. But that's what we have to do because slowly people in our life now wouldn't be here in years to come and people come and people go and that's sad but I guess in a few years time you wouldn't be who you are now and maybe then the things and people that matter now wouldn't matter then. 

Stop this train

Insomnia right now cos my head is so filled with shit I wonder how I'm going to sleep tonight. I really hate how I have to start worrying only at night when I think through more thoroughly. I need a switch somewhere. Sigh.... 

We spend time letting go of things we don't remember

16th July, Sunny with a chance of meatballs(literally)

Woke up at 10 cos the sun was shining too brightly. Was supposed to meet Vivien at lucky plaza at 12 but I was late again. Sighhhh. Anyway we had yong tau foo and it was delicious. Like really good, which was surprising cos I didn't expect lucky plaza to have good yong tau foo. We walked around and chatted and shopped. Well, window shopped. Then we met z cos I had to pass him the book and Vivien is such a natural crowd winner. (Phew)that it wasn't awkward. I've talked about him with ode and Vivien and really all I can say is that he's okay. Is okay bad? It isn't right? Vivien agreed and said he was nice. He makes me.... Comfortable. Not like safe and secured or anything. Just comfortable. It's strange really. But nice I guess. He's a nice person but today as I was reading some random parts of Norwegian Wood, I felt like I could relate to some of the female characters. Like the quiet desperateness they give out. Except I don't foresee myself committing suicide. I just imagine myself, living life as it is. I wonder if in my bid to find someone mine, hoping that he wouldn't be a liability, that we would lift each other up, what if i am the liability? What if I'm the one weighing him down? Then what would I do? Would I walk away or leech onto a rock I could presumably rely on? 

Stubborn love

“Once we started arguing about Captain Planet, I knew that something had gone terribly wrong. No one could possibly fit me this way. Curling my mask into memory, shouting that this, this bond right here is a refuge on those days when your lonely tries to get the best of you. ‘Joshua, you were someone I invented over and over in my head. One day I simply settled for the fact that you did not exist.’ When a women kicks game like that, how do you resist. How do you say anything except ‘Lay here next to me, your open palm is the password to my chest. You speak and my entire body shifts genre. I am a thousand folk songs now; I am an entire coastline bellowing from the depths of Woody Guthrie’s guitar. Weekends where the trip from New York to New England compels me to dream that the other people on the Bolt Bus are old friends cheering for us, excited to hear about the whole trip on the way back. This is magic. But it is robust, grown folks magic.”

—	Joshua Bennett, “Plankton"