The one that got away

In another life I would make you stay, so I don't have to say that you were the one that got away.

We would meet at a totally unexpected venue or situation. Maybe I would be looking up from my book trying to process a line and our eyes would meet. It wouldn't be an electric glance, but rather one of complete understanding, an understanding I can't yet come up with. We would both return to what we are doing and maybe you would leave first. We would meet again at the same place a month later and this time we might actually strike up a conversation. I would be reading a book you've already read and I would be surprised and impressed when you quoted the book. We would discuss and share our opinions on the book and feel a comfortable bond between us. But we wouldn't give each other our numbers because we have been tempted and excited by coincidence and fate. We would share a friendly smile and return to whatever we were planning to do. Nevertheless we will be looking forward to meeting each other whenever we visit our place. We will meet 3 weeks later and I wouldn't be reading this time. I would be looking around with a wandering eye and then our eyes will meet. I will give a beautiful smile and our hearts will be beating faster than usual and you will sit opposite me and you'll pull out a book from your bag. You told me to read it cos it's a great book and your life has changed since you read it. I would smile and take another book from my bag and give it to you. Then you'll go on with whatever you were planning to do and I'll start reading the book. You'll leave before me and we have yet to exchange numbers. I would feel disappointed but intrigued by the continued mystery. At night I will be reading the book and I will notice a note in one of the pages. On top of that would be your number and a funny line. I would laugh and text you immediately. The same night you'll be lying on your bed reading my book and processing my favorite quotes I underlined. You would smile upon receiving my text and we will start texting our favorite lines to each other. Maybe we will fall in love, maybe we will be best friends or friends for life. But life is chokeful of possibilities and the best is we never know what will come next.

One lost word

“It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I’ll never see him again like this… well yes, I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There’s a moment in life where you can’t recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses.”
Marion, 2 Days in Paris

In another life, it would be us against the world.

I like the idea of a parallel universe.
In my mind, my parallel universe would consist of different results and endings because of the different decisions I made. Or something like what could have happened instead of what happened.
For example, in a parallel universe, I would have said yes instead of no. We could have gone on and did our thing but eventually leave each other because the love has run dry. And them we could most possibly move on without regrets.
Or, I would have asked why before that and eventually say no. That would work too.
In a parallel universe, I would have worked harder to make some friendships work. And it would work, I would still know what to say and how to be there for you and comfort you and make all of us feel comfortable.
In a parallel universe, I would take on a different persona. I wouldn't be someone with a hard shell that aims to hurt and only accept the person if they are still there despite being hurt. I would be more open, less worried and less guarded. More naive and less realistic.
In a parallel universe, I would make a different decision and end up doing something entirely different from what I am doing now. I would meet different people and turn out differently. I would probably be more happy and more unhappy than what I am now. But that's something I'll never know.
In a parallel universe, I would fight for what I want and say things that will make a difference. And things would turn out differently.
Basically, I would not have the regrets I had today but maybe other regrets. I wonder how that would work. Whether I would be happier. Because all I want to be is happier. Happier than what I am now.

“The kissed surprised him because it had been so long since he’d kissed anyone but Elspeth. It surprised Valentina because she had hardly ever kissed anyone that way — to her, kissing had always been more theoretical than physical. Afterwards she stood with her eyes closed, lips parted, face tilted. Robert thought, ‘She’s going to break my heart and I’m going to let her’.”
Audrey Niffenegger, Her Fearful Symmetry.

Time changes everything.

"If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just passes you by."

My Best Friend’s Wedding

Sure, she has got it all.
But baby is that all you want?

You said you like how I would mouth the lyrics while listening to my favorite songs.

We need a little of each other in our lives.

I've been in a bit of a dump lately. I'm not good company. I snapped out my replies or don't even bother replying. I can't figure out what is wrong and I really want to. A levels is coming to and end but I hardly feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. I hate knowing I'm going to spend months worrying about my results. Actually, maybe it's the vampire show I'm watching lately. It's starting to rub off on me. I even wore a red shirt today. I don't even know why I'm saying this. Ugh.

"You are beautiful and I'm just a man."

I just exercised for an hour. It's tough... Exercising... Losing weight. But it's quite futile cos I don't want to lose weight that badly. Life after a levels is not as liberating as expected. Maybe it's cos I still have an mcq paper but I think it's more of the situation of boredom you are thrown into after having endless things to do. Dramas are not that interesting, your mind is thinking about so many other things than you can really appreciate the words on the book and you feel useless I guess. Anywayi watched you're the apple of my eye with Cheryl recently. It was a great movie but strangely, it didn't make much of an impact in my mind, it was great during the movie and not that great after it.
I hate spending my time walking about the malls and not having something concrete to do.... Something is preventing me from really enjoying my relax time and I don't know what it is. Yesterday I had steamboat with vivien and we had quite a meal, walked around and talked and talked. He make me realize how I'm a rather pessimistic person. I always felt I was realistic but I think I am more pessimistic than realistic. I'm running out of things to talk about and I feel numbed recently.... I wish I can stop feeling like that.

Buy old movies and watch them on my bed.
Read my favorite books and buy new ones.
Go swimming at least twice a week.
Go running at least once a week.
Visit Barney's.
Explore Singapore with my favorite girls.
Have lunch or dinner at a breakfast all day restaurant.
Read at a quiet cafe that serves really good cake and tea.
Have brunch or afternoon tea with my favorite girls.
Have a picnic at Marina Barrage again.
Go to the beach at Sentosa.
Try out the peaches and cream homemade mask and maybe the tomato ones.
Buy facial products to improve my skin.
Go to the airport to read and watch the planes at the viewing area.
Pretend to be tourists visiting Singapore.
Watch a live band perform.
Volunteer at a charity.
Read more and get a pretty notebook where I can write my favorite quotes down.
Print photos to fill up my photo album.
Learn to play a guitar.
Learn a new language.
Try a new hairstyle, go for something short.
Bake a cake, preferably tiramisu or blackforest.
Attend baking lessons.
Join a yoga class.
Go swimming with my friends.
Buy an instant camera and take pictures with all my favorite people.
Buy wildflowers for myself.
Explore other picnic places.
Work at someplace totally unexpected for a month.
Go star gazing.
Have a picnic at night.
Watch the city lights at night.
Learn how to bake a chicken.
Dabble into poetry.

Phys is tmr and I've only started studying now. To top things off, I've a lit paper in the morning. If I screw tmr papers up I'm royally screwed. Sigh. Part of me knew I'm going to screw this up so who am I trying to kid. Sigh....

Will you try to fix me

Coldplay's Fix you is stuck in my head. I'm broken by the math paper today, i can't check the answers cause I'm afraid that I will be wrong. Sometimes I wonder what is it that i didn't know to get a decent grade. I studied and practice, I did math to death but I still can't bridge the gap.
I hate what school turned me into. I feel stupid, even more stupid as I learn more and more, isn't education supposed to make you feel smarter, for you to learn more?
Why is it that you try your best but you don't succeed? Maybe I didn't try my best. Maybe it's just not good enough. If that's so, tell me, tell me what you want and if I can give it to you, I will. You can't just expect me to know.
Life can be so cruel sometimes. You take a bright piece of me each time and one day I will just lose my light.

Having a headache right now. That sucks cause I've math paper tomorrow and my revision is not complete.
Gp was pretty screwed in my opinion but some part of me hope it went okay. I can't really give a shit right now cause it seems like I'm screwing everything up. I've been trying to convince myself that a private uni is fine but I hate how I'll let my parents down. I hate to do so but I've so many stuff like phy and econs which seems pretty screwed. Ugh. Thinking about all this makes the back of my neck ache more. I have to get back to my revision. I hope math goes well or i'm going to be super f up.