Everything's quiet when it's you I'm with

Woke up today and I felt better but not so good. Did some simple stirfry for lunch  and bought juice for breakfast. I listened to Jason Mraz new album on the bus and I particularly love The live room sessions. Pure music, so raw and beautiful. I look at the buildings passing by in the bus, on the train and I feel very disconnected to all around me. 

It's fine. I was better than yesterday. I read jiayi reply at work and it made me cry. My wifey is the best emailer on earth. If there is such a thing. Even though I feel the soreness on my ribs and my shoulders and my arms, as if the yoga made me carry myself and it got to heavy for me to bear I feel the strain even the next day. As if I am too much and not enough at the same time. As if I am too weak to even lift myself up. It's fine. I think the moon that is squaring the stars is moving, the sun hiding behind the shadows and clouds are moving, the stars have left and is moving to some other sky. It is fine. Let it all move, let it all go. 

I just need to breathe. Need to take in all of it, need to let all of it out. I need to sit with the good and the bad, I need to choose both, without reservations and only acceptance and forgiveness. I am far away from where I want to be. It's fine. Like everything else I will move, until I get there. 

Give in

Yoga was tiring, I never sweated so much and coming from me that really means something. I felt strained and tired and stretched out but after it I really felt good. All was good but suddenly my mood just plummet. I feel like I was brought back to reality when I didn't even plan to leave. We cabbed home and I don't know if Kexin and Amelia noticed but I was quiet, only guiding the taxi driver along the route. I asked to be dropped at the bus stop because I feel a pressing need to walk. I need to think and waft through this wave of emotion. Walking in didn't help, so now I'm seated by the pool lying down at the chair and listening to Norah jones. I decide to pen this down after 10 minutes because I need to remember what I feel at this exact moment. How I can suddenly feel so overwhelmed with sadness and stress when a minute ago I was fine. I am very tempted to go offline because I think I needed to just leave everything behind for a while. I need to be with myself. I think I am going to do this soon. I feel so tired recently. Maybe it's how seeing certain things make me sad or maybe it's because I am constantly pushing things out of my mind and when it stands right in my face I can't ignore it. I emailed jiayi this morning. Told her I am in a good place but I feel so far off now. I am no longer where I was this morning and I feel so tired thinking how I need to make my way back to where I am and barely even near the destination. 

The pool light is shining on me, leighton meester humming in my ear a fleetwood Mac Classic. I feel scared of this ups and downs now. I am scared that I will slowly sink into depression, I am scared that I don't have the strength to pull myself up. I am tired. I think I need to go back home now. I need my bed. I need to chase the hurt. 

God give me patience, patience to breathe.

I thank god I've finally got here. 

I thank god for my friends, I can never thank god enough for them. 

I thank god for my parents and all that they have given and taught me. 

I thank god for the lessons and experiences and being able to be able to be introspective. 

I thank god for the strength I have each morning. For my independence and for my determination to pull through. 

I thank god for the signs, for the things I see and believe are put in place to test me and to lead me to different roads. 

I thank god for faith. I have faith. And that makes all the difference. 

I thank god for the journey. 21 years. I wouldn't have said I experienced a tough ride, I thank god for making it easy, I thank god for the numerous difficulties I might face in the future and mostly I thank god for being alive. That's one of the most precious gift I can ever receive. 

God gave me patience

Patience to breath

God give me reasons

To not cry anymore about anything

God give me time

Time to think this through

God give me something

Something to keep my mind

Off missing you

And in the afternoon while the sun gets low

I wish I there was some other direction to drive

Somewhere else to go

But there's always one more thing I have to prove

There's always part of me missing you

So light the day

And invite me to stay

'Cause now I see

I was always on my way

Just a little late

Cause I cry lot

I cry out of fear

And it'd be nice if

You was all that made up these tears

But its years and years

And in the afternoon while the sun gets low

I wish I there was some direction to drive

Somewhere else to go

But if you never try

You'll never know

Sometimes the best part of goodbye

Is letting go

Oh, but I've been dreaming of clear skies

Oh, I've been dreaming of hometown coastlines

I would fly

So God give me patience

Patience to see

Within the chaos

There's always room to dream

Just let it be