When you look back

Sometimes I get into a mood and read through some of my posts to revisit a moment I had gone through, it's kind of like looking at that moment from a different perspective, more clear headed, rational and detached point of view.
Recently I've been thinking about things I said before and some I really regret saying them. I wish I didn't hurt anyone unintentionally or make someone life more horrible that it already is. It's just... I wish I can control the things that come out of my mouth sometimes. I wish I scan it through my head before saying something potentially hurtful. But it's hard cos there are moments where I can be so mean and cold blooded I don't even recognize myself. But it's a part of me, not something to be ashamed of, cos I'm not perfect and I'm actually really bitchy. But I really do have good intentions or at least I'm protecting myself from things that could hurt me. It's just like you hurt others before they hurt you?
I don't know.... I think I owe some people an apology. Some I can never ever say it out but I apologize in my heart.


I'm sorry if I hurt you, sorry that I didn't understand. I'm sorry that I flipped. I'm sorry that I walked out on you when I said I'd be there, sorry that I saw you as a piece of shit though you really still are. I'm sorry that you couldn't understand me, sorry I didn't make it easy to. I'm sorry that life gets in the way, sorry that years really do get in the way. I'm sorry that I missed out on the happy and sad times you've been through, sorry that I would also miss out on the ones you'd be going through. I'm sorry I didn't called or text or bother, I'm sorry you didn't either. I'm sorry that I don't give a shit about people who don't give a shit about me, I'm sorry that I didn't continue trying. I'm sorry that I said no, I'm sorry that I let you think I really meant so. I'm sorry that I couldn't stand the sight of you, in sorry that you don't know why. I'm sorry that I let my pride get in the way, sorry that you couldn't see that I really do want you to stay. I'm sorry that I'm so imperfect, sorry that you can't see that i hate being so. I'm sorry that I let you go, I'm sorry that If I were to go through it again i wouldn't have change anything either way. I'm sorry that I think you are not worth the effort, I'm sorry that I still think you are not who I thought you were. I'm sorry for being who I am, sorry that I want the exact opposite of what I said. I'm sorry I don't feel the connection I feel with certain people, I'm sorry that we are drifting apart. I'm sorry that I don't see a future, I'm sorry that I would put you aside. I'm sorry that I'm immature, sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry that you cried, I'm sorry to let you see me cry. I'm sorry that you are not what I'm looking for, I'm sorry that I'm not yours. I'm sorry that I would never have the courage to tell you the million things I've thought about you, I'm sorry that i think I would die with that as a regret. I'm sorry I would rather regret than get hurt, I'm sorry I put myself first. I'm sorry I wasn't who I was, I am sorry I changed. I'm sorry that I couldn't be who I was, I'm sorry that I am getting worse each day.
I'm sorry that I wouldn't be perfect when I finally meet you, I'm sorry that you will eventually see that. I'm sorry that you'd leave eventually, I'm sorry that I would let you. I'm sorry that love is life and life is fate and fate is chances and chances could be controlled or decided. I'm sorry that life gets in the way. I'm sorry that I get in the way.
I'm sorry that I am me.