I'm so frustrated. Exams is in 9 hours time. And I've yet to study finish despite studying for like 12 hours today. Okay maybe I exaggerate but besides lunch and dinner and some breaks in between I studied all the way. And the paper after that in 33 hours. That's even more screwed and I can't afford to fail cos it's a core mod but I'm pushing it away cos it makes me feel so bad cos I can't understand a lot of it. Fuck. I'm under so much stress I feel like I could burst like a overblown balloon. And I feel like screaming fuck like countless times but I don't know if it will makes things better. Fuck it wouldn't for fuck sake. Ugh :(

Forgive yourself

Studying for finals is especially tedious this time cos I can't seem to grasp certain concepts no matter how much I tried. I feel like I'm not absorbing fast enough, not understanding and applying all the concepts as I should. I regretted not catching up on my work the days leading up to finals and not being consistent throughout. But ugh... It's just so hard cos I've no motivation whatsoever. I just can't bring myself to do work. I'm trying not to hate on myself too much cos I know I'll do badly and it's all my fault but I just feel like I'm not ready. I don't want to do this. Last sem wasn't that bad. I didn't had that sense that I am so terribly unsuitable for this course till this sem:( sigh... It's okay. I will just study, go through finals. Sort out my thoughts during summer and start next year afresh. I know I can do it but I know I can't do it now? Does it make sense? Where's my confidence :(

Stress

So upset with myself. Can I stop procrastinating and get work done instead :(

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know – unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.”

James Kavanaugh

Nowecantsayfuckthisshitandlivelifethewaypoetsdo.

This week has been slightly hellish. There are nice moments and all but I feel so held back.
Contemplating not going to school for the rest of next week to study but I know it's not going to work that way.
I feel so claustrophobic now. Like I don't want to meet people, to talk, to think, to do whatever the shit people do together. I'm sick of my bed and the comfort it gives me cos i don't want to leave it. I'm tired of the stuff people say that affect me. Tired if the exams and exams and exams and the thoughts of my future and stuff that might change by next year and really... It's all so not worth it isn't it? Life. Like is it a gift if you don't want it?

I keep thinking what do I want what do I want and I really can't come up with something.
Pushing all these work aside and watching pointless videos that makes my eyes ache is tiring.
Can't life be slightly more forgiving? Or am I not the forgiving one. Maybe not all life needs purpose or fucking reason. Maybe all we need is nothing.

Who am I kidding