Constant Speed

If I keep at constant speed, 

let everything rush past me, 

It's the quickest way to leave it all behind,

only it never leaves. 

I'm beginning to forget, 

I'm beginning to forget you, 

I just see an outline. 

Of you. 

Sew my mouth

Am I the only one digging orange windows by run neon tigers. Vivien felt it was ok and the lyrics are not the most creative but they are just on repeat. Yayyyy! 

But I would like to ask you somemore,

But it's a shame we don't have time

We simply just don't have the time at all. 

Tired

Migrane 

Assignments

Presentation slides 

Reports

Revision

Sometimes I feel so tired I feel like I am just about to crumble under all these expectations and work I have to fulfill. Stop. Can we just stop. 

You think you know what you're looking for till what you're looking for finds you

On the way back home from school and it's so late and I was starving and so stressed up from all the work I've to do when I reach home. But then I think answers find you in queer ways. My I pod played a song that leaves my feelings in the right places. 

Life can get so tiring sometimes and you wonder why you're working hard for the things in life you don't seem to want and for things you can yet understand. But ultimately I think you'll get to where you want to be with all the effort you put in along the way. Not everything in life is given to you but certain things are only given to you and happiness come from appreciating and being thankful for them. When there is no one that can tell you the right words, let faith and your beliefs bring you comfort. 

There’s no music
No confetti
Crowds don’t cheer and bells don’t ring
But you’ll know it
I can guarantee
When the right one comes along

What their thinking 
What you’re feeling
You no longer have to guess
All those questions
Finally put to rest 
When the right one comes along

Every single broken heart
Will lead you to the truth
You think you know what your looking for
Til what you’re looking for finds you

In a cold world 
Its a warm place 
Where you know that you’re supposed to be
A million moments 
Full of sweet relief
When the right one comes along

Every single broken heart
Will lead you to the truth
You think you know what you’re looking for 
Til what you’re looking for finds you

It’s so easy 
Nothing to it
Though you may not believe me now
But i promise 
Honey you’ll find out 
When the right one comes along

All that changes 
Is only everything
When the right comes along

Simple as it should be

Had a wonderful and spontaneous afternoon today. After lunch I was so restless and bored with whatever I was studying I was taking a little nap and Odelia texted me, cubicles away asking if we should just go watch a movie instead. And so we skipped studying and rushed to downtown east to watch the movie and walked in seconds before it started. To top things off, the movie is perfect. Love, family, living. It's just so packed with reminders of what I've already known and must keep in mind. 

Thank you for gifting me a wonderful day odelia! 

Only god knows the future

Feeling exceptionally thankful tonight. I survived project meetings and lab and did most of my assignment tomorrow before my dinner with ode and Shiu Heng. Ode and I were sitting at ramen play and I was asking her about her day and she was telling me about it and watching her tell me about her day and having someone share how they felt at the end of the day is just very.... Right. Like home. Like a comfort that doesn't slip from your hands and walk out of your life. Then it was me telling Shiu Heng about some silly stories and him listening and Odelia filling in at times. I realize how with some people things unfold very easily. Like how the poem strings all the words effortlessly and create feelings and meaning and everything just fits. I like how life fits despite the horrible school work and how sometimes I listen to people talk about themselves and what they say and what they meant and I know what is important to them and knowing that makes me certain of who they are and what I can offer to them, what friend I can be. You can't give coins to a broken hearted man. 

Everyday I go home with some dishes left for me in case I get hungry, my bed made and the curtains drawn and my clothes freshly ironed and having my parents and mama and Amanda ask me how my day went and my schedule for tomorrow. I feel overwhelmed with warmth and a knowledge that I can look forward with people I love behind my back. 

Thank you. 

Y

Let me tell you this: I imagined this scenario a million times over my head. What I would say when I see you for who you are, how you are and what you meant to me. Meant to me;Meant to be with me. I would tell you how inside me I would burst in tears thanking god as profusely as I could for his grace in showing me that love is standing right in front of me. His hands, held open, his lips, with faith and truth. I would tell you about the nights I cried in silence, the tears in your absence. I would tell you how you collected them in a jar and drank it all so I wouldn't be reminded of it, so we would share the pain such that it's not longer pain but something we share. 

We. I would tell you how I forgot I. How my life now I see, would be we, us. How we would walk through the storm together, walk through the fire unscathed because of us, of we, of what we have is nothing anything or anybody can take away from us. 

I don't want good and I don't want good enough I want can't sleep can't breathe without your love

Okkkk that's a long title but Hunter Hayes knows what he's talking about. 

Sunday is spent lazily resting and not studying much besides the fact that I'm terribly unprepared for tmr test. 

Have you ever been with people who can make you relax and just loosen up those thoughts you've at the back of your head? I'm lucky to have some people like that in my life. It can be so tiring having to talk and processing conversations and thoughts at the back of your mind on what to say and thinking about things that you wouldn't have to think about if you didn't meet them? I don't know. I think people grow into being more of who they are and somehow I become less adaptive and willing to wrap myself around someone edges. 

Ok. Sufficient mindless rants. Back to bending moments and shear force. 

Tired without doing much today. The weather today is sweater worthy and meant for snuggling in the sheets with my best bet. Days like this i look back and remember how I used to be. And when things start to hurt more. Stop. No, not tonight. 

Tuesday and I feel so drowned with all the shit I've to do. Without even considering revisions, the assignments, presentations and all the shit work is enough to kill me:( 

Spent most of today in school for back to back project meeting. Had dinner with jiayi and the food sucker but the company was awesome. Had most of my negativity sucked away but all the thought of everything I've to do just brings it all back :( don't think. Yes. Sleep. 

C

A thought catalog article ode shared with me reminded me once again of a part of me I don't like to admit too often. I don't like to care, I refuse to care and reject caring for those I am not used to care for. As I was chatting with Viv on the bus regarding her problems and how I would deal with it, she showed me how the way I would deal with things reflect my refusal to care. I am not very selfish. I care sufficiently about most things and care deeply for those who matters to me. As I grow older I surround myself with my own notion of logic and belief so I can stand on a different dimensions from mistakes. I an almost sure that's how I want to live for now until I realize how far away I am from opening up my heart. Everyday I'm distancing myself from what I am seeking and trying to talk myself into believing that what I am doing is right. I look at myself and at those who have loved and lost. You know what the sad part is? I am not less broken, just more crippled by selfishness and timid-ness. 

wytyr

I'm exhausted. Finished work at 5.30 and i didn't join the girls for a movie cos my cramps was acting up so badly. Reached home and had junk food that failed to make me feel better. Received a bold text seemingly joking but i can't take a joke for fuck ok. I hate how people make demands on you at times and all you can think about is who the fuck you think you are. I have people i want to meet and just relax with but the whole reading week is filled with project meetings and assignments and revision i feel like i am fucking drowning. 2 more days of work. I can deal with that. The last time i felt relaxed was the impromptu study date with Kexin, we talked a bit and i spend most of the time trying to understand shear force and bending moments. I want to whine about how i am back to not understanding a shit about all these forces and moments but i have no one to blame but myself. I read somewhere that compared to men woman are less likely to want to relive their younger days. that's bull. I miss studying physics with Cheryl. yes, studying physics. i look at that picture and i miss comfort in the knowledge that my best friend is in Singapore, aljunied, estimatedly 10km away from me. I miss the days where my biggest problem is a problem not even worth shit now. I miss being young, achingly naive and hopeful about my future. I miss being 16 where i fall asleep making resting sounds cos i am comfortable. Now i just fall into nothing, i sleep almost instantly cos i am so tired and sad.

I am so tired now i don't need people telling me what i should do just to make them feel better, i don't need to know what is going on in your life unless i am asking. I don't need to meet you unless i want to. all these obligations and shit is not what i owe you.

And nothing else

can take what only-

was always meant

as solely yours.

-Lang Leav

“Don’t struggle so much, the best things happen when not expected.” 

— Gabriel García Márquez

Feeling everything

On my way to meet the girls for dinner and end the day off slipping into comfort and words wrapping themselves loosely on your mind and untying the knots of accumulated worries. Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Cheryl is trying to meet for breakfast tomorrow and I know that's huge considering the huge packing and stuff she has to handle before flying on Saturday. Everyday is like the scene from before midnight where they look at the sunset together. Still there, still there. Gone. 

No time for sadness

Had a busy but productive day at school  with jiayi. Projects and discussions and assignments are just so overwhelming when I've to deal with work and balancing life in general. There are so many friends you want to meet up and catch up over coffee or a meal, there are books you would like to read, things you would like to google and know more about. With Saturday looming I like not having time to think or worry excessively. Had a wonderful Sunday with Cheryl and jiayi and December will come in a matter of time. I would like to dwell in optimism. These days I look at life and the things that happen around me and to the people I care about, I feel terrified of life. Of what it may bring tomorrow when you neglect and assume. Everyday I am stronger and weaker. I push myself more, tests my limits and make myself work harder when it is not necessary. But simultaneously I grow weaker in the face of life, at the things i cannot predict or control. I constantly worry I am not strong enough, that around the corner something I can't handle will spring up on me and everything I believe and work for would crumble and fall. But with all that has happened I realize how anyone is as strong as one sets out to be. Life would be good as long as I believe in myself a d everyday I would be closer to my dreams and everything I want to achieve in life. 

Can make you happy, make your dreams come true

Everything beautiful reminds me of you. 

See once in a while when it's good

It'll feel like it should

And they're all still around

And you're still safe and sound

And you don't miss a thing

'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again

I can't take this speed it's moving in

I know I can't

Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Fuck

It was so bad. Zing went in earlier and we were surprised cos her flight wasn't until later and the luggages were all settled. We didn't get to talk much cos she had so many friends there and we only hugged and took photos. When she went in my tears just couldn't be held in. And Sharon was like it's okay she will be back and all and I told her its not the same and I said I don't know what to do when Cheryl leaves too. 

It was the same suffocation i felt the time I was rushing home when mummy tell me ye ye was really leaving us. The choking and the tears and the sadness that changes the position of your heart. It twist and wrung your hope dry. 

After leaving the airport for dinner with daddy and mummy who picked me up. I bravely said I didn't cry. That no, I'm not that sentimental sort. Luckily zing called me later when I wasn't with them and she eased everything off with talks and promises on how everything will be constant. That nothing will change and I believe that. And I hold that with me for not only my friendship with her, but with Cheryl and everyone I love. That what we have is constant, it is real, it doesn't rust or change with time. I remember a spoken word poetry once I heard and the poet was talking about how if it is real, if the love is real, it would show with time, it is steadfast and it will be different from the false love life presents us with. 

I am tired and hopeful at the same time. But the idea of next Saturday, at the airport and seeing one of the most important person in my life go to chase a life I know she will revel in. The only sadness that comes is the thought that it isn't her leaving, it isn't me being left behind. It is the Constant, surrounded with hope with change lurking slyly around. 

It's not something you take it's given

On the way to the airport with stay playing. The other day I was thinking about next Saturday. When Cheryl would be taking the plane and how it would be like and it was. It was just sad. Love makes one weak. The only people I feel comfortable loving is my family and friends and I think that's really enough. Enough to bring down the gates behind your eyes and to completely shut your air pipe and wish for just one thing. Stay. 

Searching for lightness

The best days are the ones you spend at home, taking naps, waking up fully rested, face bare and hair unruffled by the wind. Soft, light. Is it just me searching for a lightness of being? I don't want to be bound down to the ground by beliefs and commitment but I prefer that certain things stay rooted. Morals, responsibilities, love. Life

Last month I witness many grey areas. People doing and saying things differently, the contradicting beliefs and actions, diverging wants and actions. I don't know. Have you thought about what is it people want? Simple. It always is simple. People want simple things but I don't think simple things make them happy. Me? I just want two things. Security and stability. Maybe that's what I am lacking now in life. But that would be something I will always remember to appreciate and hold on tightly to. 

Ziying is leaving this Friday and Cheryl he following Saturday. I have my next week packed with project meetings, classes, work, squeezing in dinners and breakfast and a day at gbtb. I write out my days in the scheduler and everything just looks so heavy. Things to do, work, meetings, due dates, presentations, assignments. I'm not asking when will it all end. All I'm thinking is under how much weight would a human then crumble? 

Give me one reason to stay here before I turn right back around

Feeling so anxious now :( got my September work schedule and yes, why the hell am I even working.... I was thinking with aisec and literary society out of the question for this sem, I could at least still work for September? And I was writing down the days I've work in the schedule and the assignments due and presentations and tests and all. And everything looks so horrid.... I'm worried about 2102 test, all the daunting presentations and the project meetings that hasn't been lined up yet.... Sigh.... I don't know if I can pull up my cap this sem, I'm trying to think positively, I mean I don't have cca or any other commitment, by right I should be able to deal with working and studying? Yes/no? 

Ugh. Hate having a reason to whine. And my stomach feels uncomfortable with the food I stuffed myself with just now.... Too much carbs and oil. And Mac breakfast tmr with Cheryl and jiayi before work at 9.30. I don't even feel like eating anything till lunch and I wannnaaaa sleeepppp. But it's 220 and all I'm doing is running through the days, trying to find more ways to manage them so I can possibly squeeze in more study sesh and what about time for doing absolutely nothing? Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh 

You know how they always say there are certain things in life you can't ever get back and one of them is time? But they also say the best thing you can ever give to anyone is time? 

Ok I must not be like that. I must remember how there are people who managed their time so well they managed to get good grades, join so many ccas and even find time to club. God knows how they do it but yes. I mean I can deal with projects, working and studying. Right? Hahaha! Goodnight 

this youthful heart can love you and give you what you need

The pictures hold so many important memories in my life from when i was 17 till now. All the people important in my life, how we grow old together, how we changed, learnt and experienced life together and separately.

its 2.42 am, i'm addicted to Tracy Chapman's Give me a reason, such soul in the way she sing. I don't know why i am typing this but i just... i just feel so full, instead of feeling like things are slipping away, i feel like everything is overflowing in  my life. i feel like i need to tip myself empty, to be re-filled with something different. is it strange? i don't know. maybe i need some sleep. 

Goodnight

Life in pictures