Everything's not lost

Tired of feeling weak. Even my knuckles ache. I am starting to miss the energy I get everytime I lace up my sport shoes knowing all I have to do is move ahead. The things I leave behind doesn't matter. At least for that hour or so. That seems like the only way to get off of all the dreariness of the daily life.

Anyhow, Coldplay's everything's not lost is on repeat and just really the song that gets me going. I tip my head up to the sky, let the light guide me out of the darkness and in that moment of closing eyelids and tears that comes from yawns and fatigue, I think I believe in everything there is about the world and I'm starting to understand how everything in my life is slowly alchemizing and I am no longer who I was but everything that I am.  

Feel so sick:( my throat feels so itchy and it feels like that time when I had asthma as a child. I try to breathe through my mouth and it itches all the way down the airway and it sounds as if I'm gasping for air. 

The week ahead is so packed I feel tired already. :( 

Don't you want to know

My knees hurt because the aircon was too cold today. I had to randomly walk about and rub my palms together even after wearing my cardigan. The tiredness only set in as I was walking to the train station. Not sleeping enough last night certainly doesn't help. Plus I can't sleep early tonight again. The thought of how I have to be up tomorrow at 7.15, rush through washing up and traveling to work  in less than 10 hours time, that leaves me  with 9 hours of rest. After bathing and all I have no idea how much time I have left to sleep. I'm so tired, I don't know how my hours no longer belong to me, I don't know how to be there for people without taking on their problems, I don't know how to say what I need because sometimes even after saying it out, I don't see anyone understanding what I am trying to say. And that is loneliness, when nobody understands you, nobody can give you what you want and you can't even give yourself what you need. 

And you know what the joke is. It's how people tell you how you can just tell them  about your problems but they don't get the problem. They just brush it off and give you the direct solution. Fuck, you think I don't know what to do? All I seek is empathy, I want people to tell me how they understand how fucking tired I am, how it's ok cos I'm strong and I'll be able to handle it. And even if I can't be strong, it's alright to take a break. But fuck no, people just tell you, oh you got to do this, oh can you do that for me. It's always like this. Since I was young I constantly seek reassurance from my family, can I do this, can I make it work, their reassurance always help me pull through. So this is how I seek comfort even when I am feeling upset and tired, I tell people, hoping they know what I need is for them to tell me I can do it, I can make it work. But nobody does it unless I explicitly ask them, can I do this? I'm so sick of asking, I'm so sick of telling people and not getting what I need to hear, doing so only amplifies how nobody understands. I don't tell my parents about all my worries now because I'm older and I think I can handle it and all I get from them sometimes is how I can do more. I don't want to do more. I am so tired, my bones ache from all the weight of my worries, I am constantly drowned by my emptiness and how I seek to be light from it all. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother to tell people when I can reassure myself, I can push aside all my negative feelings and reaffirm how strong I am. You know how sometimes you are so conscious of how alone you are in this world you wonder what is the meaning of it all, why do you have to give people pieces of yourself when you don't even need pieces of them. 

Thoughts when I read Kundera

Have you wondered what the waves would look like if you really do see them with your naked eyes. The sound waves propagating over to you, seeing the person's mouth move and the waves coming to you, hearing the words milliseconds later and your words, like waves propagating back. Is that what words are? Waves of connection going back and forth never ending, constant and therefore reliable. 

What about the other waves we would see. The electromagnetic waves, waves, rays, light and darkness, light and weight. Everything that is light seems so good but could the lightness be one day unbearable due to the emptiness it brings? If zen is what some seeks, doesn't void brings about a crushing weight of emptiness? Doesn't weight in contrast brings about lightness when one eventually gets used to it, when one learns to deal with it, when one gets stronger it's not longer heavy or burdensome. I've seen some people trudge along the roads with difficulty, some elderly walking slowly, their backs hunched over. I wondered about the lives they had before this. Were they crushed by the unbearable lightness of being or the unbearable weight of life. If we are seeking a balance from all of life, I don't think it's knowing if we seek lightness or weight, I don't think it's about looking at a glass knowing it's half empty or half filled. I think there is no such balance until life ends, and then just like how the dead can never bring away anything with him, he would leave the weight and emptiness all behind. 

You're the king and I'm your lionheart

Met Shiu Heng and odelia for dinner after work and we had a really amazing meal. Conversations flowing slowly, unpretentious and naturally. As Shiu Heng and I walked to the bus interchange we discussed our opinion on what love means to us. And I told him how i see an end of a relationship as a failure of some sort, something I chose but failed to see through to the end and how I'm scared of being hurt and going into anything uncertain. He told me how I don't have to be scared, that if it ended it merely means that god meant for it to end and it's not meant to be mine. The funny thing is how he's a free thinker but believes in god and when I asked him about it he says it with a conviction that I believe too. That somewhere god exists and even though you may not be given things that you want, you are always grace with things you need and things that made your life extra meaningful. I remember a phrase that say let go and let god. I'm not a Christian, but I believe in the existence of god, whether it's my religion version of god or the different religion version of god, in some way or another god exist. And hearing that from Shiu Heng brought me comfort because his belief was without frills or facade, it is conviction and faith. 

Many times I see myself stepping back when I'm faced with a decision on whether to move forward or back off as fast as I can. I realized now that it doesn't matter, even if I were to try my hardest to change and make things work it would never bring me what I seek unless I put down my fears and open up my heart. I don't think it's about me trying to change or consciously doing things I would not usually do, neither is it me waiting for someone to save me from myself. I just need time to slowly walk out of this self imposed prison and become stronger and more courageous. 

"Love comes in many different forms. You don't need to be with someone to be happy." 

List of awkward questions I would really like to ask people

Do you know that when the sky starts to drizzle, the pool will be slightly deeper than it normally is, it's top, swelling from the droplets of water forming little waves on the surface, doesn't that show how all the little things add up and become something greater than it can be if it was by itself?

Do you ever wonder if there is someone exactly like you out there at another part of the world? Living a totally different life, could he be happier? More carefree? Or could he be living a more difficult life? 

Do you ever wonder if the reason why the earth doesn't crush from all the extra weight thrust upon it is because nothing is really created, that the extra machinery and buildings and people equates to the same amount of mass as the age of the dinosaurs time? 

Does that mean dinosaurs are really really heavy? If so, how many humans can they consume at a go? Maybe 5 for breakfast and 7 for lunch. 

Do you ever wonder about times when you feel randomly comforted that maybe at those times I was thinking of you and sending you telepathic comfort? 

Do you have moments of sadness that overwhelm you and make you lose faith temporarily? 

How do you act when someone cross your line? How will your behavior hangs when that person is your friend or family instead? 

Do you have road rage and drive faster and more recklessly when so? 

Have you ever thought about how your perfect day will be like? Or have you already had one? 

What is the single moment you think of when someone ask you when were you the happiest? Was it a person that make you happy? Is that person still in your life? 

Can you easily come up with the sweetest thing you have done for a loved one? 

If you were have to choose three people to live in an island for a year who would you choose? Will the answer differ if instead of a year it was forever? 

When were you the angriest? What did you do then? 

Do you ever doubt that you would never amount to much in life? 

Have you ever wondered if you can be unmarried for life and be okay with that? 

Have you ever contemplated in being a monk? Leave everything behind and lead a different life that you planned? 

What is the worst quality a person can possess? 

What is the one thing you can not get enough of now? 

What is the one thing the frustrate you because you can never think out of? 

How do you deal with a situation where you have to choose between your moral values and something you really want? 

Who is the one person you have yet to forgive? 

What is two of the biggest regret of your life? 

What is the one thing someone said to you that still hurts to this day? 

What do all these questions have in common? 

What is the singular most important trait you think one should possess to be considered a great person? 

Do you like the Beatles? Do you imagine them singing as they look now or do you picture them young? 

Define let it be. 

Tell me one thing you would love to change about me. 

Do you ever get worried when your parents have not reach home and it's really late and you're thinking of worse possible scenarios? 

Is there a difference between being irked and dislike? 

Tell me one thing about me you wish I would never change/lose. 

All kinds of blue

On my way to Kexin house to get cupcakes from Kexin. Oh! I just bought my first love bonito dress from a carouseller, which was a rather swift and slightly awkward experience. 

Work went by quickly today cos I sat in for a meeting that lasted for 2 hours. Dozed off for a bit while writing minutes but I don't think I was caught! The boss is so nice though. The teleconference took 20 minutes to get through and he apologized to me. I mean.... I'm just an intern right. Hahaha! After the meeting he asked me how much of it I understood. Well, the fact that the opposite party was Thai and had a pretty strong accent and I know half pass nothing, I would say, almost nothing. Hahaha! And he was like 10%? I just see you scribbling away. Hopefully I'm going to be learning more each day and feel less hopeless. Going to site tomorrow for the entire day and I'm not looking forward to it to say the least... Regardless, I've been pretty pumped up cos I did pretty decently this sem. I'm hoping I'll achieve my target next sem and pull my cap to 2nd lower honors and I'm so glad this sem made me closer to the goal. I really had no idea how I screwed up year 1 that badly but it's ok, I'm going to try my best and just do as well as I can manage.

I read this thought catalog article that says that in order to be more interesting and happy, you've to keep pushing your boundaries and trying all sorts of things you've never tried before. I'm probably the most boring person around. I'm the least adventurous and I hate trying anything beyond my comfort zone but I've had many different experiences where I actually enjoyed something new I tried so I'm going to be looking out for new things to try out this summer! Since exercising I feel my energy going up but because I've been watching my calories intake I feel so hungry at times it's almost sad. Regardless I like the breathlessness when I run, feeling my heart pump hard, the sweat down my forehead, I feel alive and I feel that I'm fighting to being alive. It's not just about losing weight. I think it's probably not going to be that easy for me to lose all the weight I hope to lose but I understood what those articles meant with lifestyle change. It's waking up and living with a bit more zest and energy. Plus I'm doing something I never thought I would get down to doing, so that's a bonus! 

Every time I try to hold you close, you disappear

I've had moments recently where I feel so incredibly light and gloriously in the moment. I remember being on the yacht, the wind blowing the hair off my face, the light from the lighthouse shining a beam on the sea, I remember the quietness, the hum of the engine, the beauty of the sky and lights, the lightness I feel when I close my eyes. Nothing matters, nothing was brighter or darker, everything is in a perfect state of plateau, time slowed down momentarily and everything was beautiful because there was nothing at the moment but the lightness of my mere existence. 

The second moment was at Amelia's party, us hogging the photo booth and taking spontaneous shots with masks, bulldog hats/sunhats, the photographer enthusiastically saying, next pose kiss kiss just to tease the laughter out of us, capture us slightly shocked and then embarrassed at what happens after. It's amazing, being surrounded with people but still feeling so incredibly light and joyful. 

The other moment was with jiayi at the beach, walking and telling her my thoughts, her listening and commenting, telling me it's alright, that my worries are unfounded and perfectly normal. I always thought I don't really tell my friends my problems but I actually do. It feels more third party doing so, as if at that moment I am not me, but someone who is standing at the sidelines observing and dissecting. 

The most recent moment was probably yesterday after my jog, I decided to walk around the estate for awhile cos the wind was cool and it was after a heavy downpour, listening to Coldplay album, digesting it's lyrics and smiling at the incredibly sweet words he strings together. At that moment, I was still who I am, but away from myself, what I worry, my darkest fear, I was the best version of myself I could ever summoned myself to be. 

Maybe I'm just a ghost

Disappear when anybody's close

Go through you when you travel

Travel over near

Maybe I'm just a ghost

Emptied by 'em, anybody knows

Maybe I'm on the ropes

Or I'm not even here

Every time I try to walk through walls

More walls appear

What's the point of feeling love for you

When you don't believe I'm here?

What's the point of trying to raise your voice

If no one ever hears?

Every time I try to pull you close

You disappear

Maybe I'm a ghost

Just a whisper in a puff of smoke

A secret that nobody knows

No one will ever hear

Or maybe I'm a ghost

Specter on a wrong course

Thorn without out a rose

Something people fear