Love is not a matter of choice but an obdurate fact of surrender.

Two quotations from a beautifully written novel, Be Near Me by Andrew O'Hagan:

I can only say it now. At the centre of himself, a man cannot choose whom to love. He can choose how to live and can honour the truth of himself where he may. But he cannot choose whom to love, any more than he can choose how tall he is or how good. One can take up platform shoes or fine deeds, but the heart will always have the last word, and when the word is love we can recognise, we can respond, we can submit and we can try to ignore, but we can never choose. Love is not a matter of choice but an obdurate fact of surrender. (p. 288-289)

Memory is a kind of friendship, a friendship with the more necessary parts of oneself. How often do we reach for the pasts’s genial knowledge to meet the unknowables of the present, asking once again that the anterior world might blossom into life and colour the current day? In this at least I cannot be alone. (p. 175)


Literaryquotes.livejournal.com

Cos I found someone to carry me home

Tonight, we are young.
So let's set the world on fire.
We can burn brighter than the sun.

Have you ever felt like you are running very fast, just to stay in the same place?

AQUARIUS WOMAN:
If you are in love with a woman in this zodiac be prepared to be very happy or be very sorry. She is a very busy person with her own matters similar to a guy in this zodiac. She is able to live by herself without any guy in her life, a very strong person indeed.

Not because she does not have a dream guy, but if she can not find such person, so what. Because she thinks she could do anything that a man can do. She is a leader , a real confident type.

She likes to do things by herself, such as serving herself, opening the door herself. Because she thinks waiting for a helping hand is a waste of time, and she is not patient enough to wait around for that. If she starts to ask you out, do not think she starts to flirt with you, but because she thinks it is a waste of time to wait for you to be the one who asked.

She likes a COOL guy who sometime act like he is ignoring her, so he has a chance to show him his own confident. She like to guess her man’s reaction, but at the same time she likes to has many men wanting her. She is a daring type who could just do thing differently from other people in her same society. She dare to fight for what she thinks belonged to her.

Even she acts confident she mostly feel lonely and alone. If she breaks up with someone , she won’t show any emotion even deep down inside pain and agony. Not for long she will come back to be the cheery and merry person again, because she looks at the world positively and has “Faith” in the word “Love”.

She has more men friends than women friends, so do not be a jealous type if you date her. She could be slightly jealous, but she hates jealous guy. She loves “Freedom” so before and after marriage , her freedom has to be the same. She likes you to trust her, even if she does not trust you anyhow.

She likes to be the one who is “Right”, so if you argue with her , let her win if it is not a big deal for you in that subject. She is a straight forward type, so if she does not love you anymore, she will just tell you straight to your face. Her love and relationship are always real, so if she say “It’s over” be prepare to leave, she is not testing you.

She is not a vulnerable type, so do not have to worry about her, she will survive by herself. If she is with you when you get sick, she will certainly take care and look after you, even look after you mean “small loan”. Do not have secret with her, she hates it and really can piss her badly. When she is sad , be understanding. When she is happy, be happy with her, she likes that.

You will not get bore with this type of girl. Someone who is close to her will know that deep down beneath that confident and cold hearted person, she is just as fragile as any woman. She is a fun and talkative person and she likes to tease you. Do not let she talk alone, if you do she will leave.

She has many type of jobs because she beliefs what a man can do, I can do. If you want her to work for you, forget it. When she is in love, she will just leave her job in the day time just to come to see you, but not for long she will go back to work seriously again. Prepare to live and love with a “Working Woman” then you will be OK.

If she mad, find a shelter for the “Hurricane” is here! Her bad temper will last very shortly though. She is not a revenge type and will not think of “pay Back” time. Most people might think of her as “One of a guy”, but in fact she is a 100% woman. She is easily hurt, so be nice with her. If she really loves you, then you are lucky because she is an honest, truthful and will never bored you. Understand that sometimes she will be over confident and sometimes like to have power or act bossy.

I was thinking if I ever have a daughter I might name her Alice. I would wish for her to have courage, curiosity and the most interesting character.

I used to be a disbeliever.

I'm typing this while lying on my bed, snuggled under the sheets because the night is chilly and my feet are cold. I'm listening to k's choice-For all this. It's a wonderful song for tonight.
Recently my days have been filled with helping my aunt move house, meeting and catching up with friends, family time and stuff... I've been trying to think about what I did but nothing really comes to mind, i've the week packed with stuff but it's not how I want to spend it. I feel tired. Which is strange since I'm free and exam free but I feel tired. My nights are spend trying to tire myself to sleep and even if I wake up late morning I don't feel well rested. I miss breakfast most of the time and by the time I'm out it's time for lunch, I think I miss waking up early in the morning and have a hearty breakfast and feel that I've a day of stuff to accomplish. I'm busy but not how I want to be busy. My left eyelid has been twitching and according to the Internet, i could be stressed or not well rested.... Well that's the most possible case.... I feel empty you know? Like I need something else. It's different from needing a break while cramming school work cos you know what you want. But now I don't. What I want could range from having alone time with myself,a good book and hot chocolate to a new purpose like helping out at an elderly home. I'm stuck in a state where I feel lost again. Up till now it seems like I've always been asking myself what do you want Jocelyn, what do you need. But I don't know. I can't always seem to find the right answers. You could watch movies and look at what others need, love, success, admiration, an ego boost, anything. But I don't know if that's what I need. I can no longer numb myself with a distraction or my hobbies because I feel distracted and out of my body. How do you explain being here but not here? My eyes hurt and my skin is aching to crawl out of my stagnant state but I don't want to move. I feel like tying a black cloth over my eyes and just move on. Let where ever I go to be the next part of my life, roll a dice and let chances determine my next step, but no rational person can take the risk. I don't know... I wonder what I actually know.it's like you know stuff that don't matter and you never know stuff that matter.

What I need.

You would call me love in different languages, French, Spanish, Italian or Latin. I would laugh and be amazed at your immense knowledge of random things of the world. Every time you leave my side, you would come up with a cheesy and silly pick up line when you return and I will give you various reactions each time. I could giggle or gush over you like a star struck teenager or pretend to be insulted and tease you with mock anger. We would then hold hands and walk around aimlessly with moments of comfortable silence and only speaks words worth telling one another. You would fill my notebook with thoughtful quotes and I will read them on my way home. You would buy me raincoat when it rains so we could laugh and run under the rain without getting wet. We would look at the city lights from a roof of a building and it would be so stunning and bright that you thawed a corner of my cold, cynical heart. Ad that corner would be marked with your name even when we part ways. On another night we would both be unable to fall asleep and decide to catch the sunrise. We would go to the nearest beach and catch the sunrise but not really seeing it because we would finally be sleepy and fall asleep in each other arms. By 8 we would wake and eat a scrumptious breakfast where you would give me half of your eggs because I love eggs and I would give you the ham or bacon. We would then go sleep off the rest of the morning and spend the afternoon and early night reading. I might be reading a Murakami's book and be filled with a sense of bleakness and nostalgia but instead of comforting words you would hug me so tightly that you would fill the spaces with your warmth. There goes another corner of my heart. We would have comfort food and walk down the beach. Instead of scrawling I love you on the sand you would scrawl I would always remember the way you make me feel because we both know love was never enough. It stopped being enough since we tell I love you to people easily. We would surprise each other with silly gifts such as a graceful frog or a clumsy swan because we both appreciate sarcasm and cynical events of the world. And instead of conventional rings we would wear antique rings because we appreciate history and the stories of past lovers. If we were to be overwhelm with love or a need to be with one another for the rest of our lives, we would get married in a quaint island with friendly islanders and a beautiful scenic view. I would wear a beautiful white dress and have flyaway hair and sand on my feet because we both got married barefooted. We would have wedding photos with nature in the background filled with trees or wild flowers or the beach or sky or mountains. Instead of hoping we would be together forever we would hold on to the present and appreciate every moment we can be together. We would both grow older and younger together and no matter what we would always love each other.

Moving at constant speed

“Now you’re looking for the secret. But you won’t find it because of course, you’re not really looking. You don’t really want to work it out. You want to be fooled.”

This is the sound of the heart

He puts down the pen, folds the sheet of paper, and slips it inside an envelope. He stands up, takes from his trunk a mahogany box, lifts the lid, lets the letter fall inside, open and unaddressed. In the box are hundreds of identical envelopes, open and unaddressed. He thinks that somewhere in the world he will meet a woman who has always been his woman. Every now and again he regrets that destiny has been so stubbornly determined to make him wait with such indelicate tenacity, but with time he has learned to consider the matter with great serenity. Almost every day, for years now, he has taken pen in hand to write to her. He has no names or addresses to put on the envelopes: but he has a life to recount. And to whom, if not to her? He thinks that when they meet it will be wonderful to place the mahogany box full of letters on her lap and say to her, ‘I was waiting for you.’


She will open the box and slowly, when she so desires, read the letters one by one. As she works her way back up the interminable thread of blue ink she will gather up the years— the days, the moments— that that man, before he ever met her, had already given to her. Or perhaps more simply, she will overturn the box and astonished at that comical snowstorm of letters, she will smile, saying to that man, ‘You are mad.’ And she will love him forever.


Alessandro Baricco

What matters to me

i've quite a number of thoughts swimming around in my head recently.
And one of it is the importance of beauty or the importance of being pretty. i've met just too many people who place an emphasis on being pretty and it makes me uncomfortable. i think what we should do is embrace what we are given, change what we can and just be comfortable, happy and confident. it is so unnecessary to be the prettiest, it's not even worth anything much unless you are making money out of it or something. why does it matter if someone else is pretty? it is essentially non of your business and should not in any way affect what you think of yourself. there are probably gaziliion girls out there and there is no way to be the prettiest so how does it matter? it especially annoys me when people judges others based on looks. there is no real need to compare how others look like in comparison to you and it doesn't matter if she's pretty because her being ugly or pretty will never change how pretty you are. somehow to me, people who place an emphasis on looks seems to be the ones who are the most insecured and concerned about their looks, if not why bother looking or determining if someone else is pretty enough? there is so many things in this world and looks is probably just a drop of water in the ocean of things to be concerned about. Give me a smart, kindhearted, spirited, honest, knowledgeable, well read, inspired, ambitious girl any day over a pretty one.
It's not just the cliche "it is what inside counts" but rather the package. i watched a movie recently and i learnt how to determine a person based on his or her whole rather than just a part of the person. just like how the looks is only a part of someone and if we were to only concentrate on the looks alone, we would see the part as a whole and shortchange or over estimate what someone could be like. it's not only just the character, it's the way they treat others. the way they approach difficulties, their willingness to help others in need, their heart for the disadvantaged and most importantly the way they act around everyone and not just their friends or love ones.
i've never really been an observant person but sometimes i would just look at strangers around me and discover something in them that makes me in awe or it makes me want to know them better. just the other day i saw a guy who was sweaty and tired after his run and he was buying some groceries home and he tried to pay with his card but he can't because they don't accept ez link card payment or something and he had to leave without his groceries. the cashier was giving him attitude and being quite uncooperative, a normal tempered person might get fustrated or even irritated but he showed no sign of annoyance and even when a salesman approach him to apply for a credit card he patiently listened to the guy before rejecting him kindly. it might have been a good day for him or he has the patience of a saint but at that moment i was so impressed by his mild temper. i mean i do have a bad temper which i can't keep in check most of the times and people like him never fail to amaze me. Likewise, i feel drawn to know more about him because he has this certain quality that is attractive and it is because of his character and not his looks. i think this is the way to truly gain respect, recognition and love. which is why looks just barely scratch the surface of people we need in our lives. we seek like minded souls and friends who are good hearted and embody characters which we admire and need. i feel that what we should look for when we make friends or find someone to fall in love with, should be someone whose whole is more than every part of him or her, someone who shines from within and is so iridescent that no one else can compare.
i'm not saying i don't look at others and judge them based on their looks forefront, but i feel that there is less of a need to emphasize on them and learn to see the bigger picture. But this is just my opinion though i feel others should consider looking at the entire scenery and not just a flower or a tree, but the entire scenery and hopefully find something spectacular in the process


A painting is more then the sum of it's parts. A cow by itself is just A cow. A meadow by itself is just grass, flowers. And the sun picking through the trees, is just a beam of light. But you put them all together and it can be magic.

-Flipped (Movie)

Maybe we are all looking for something. A purpose in life, a reason to live, determination to live on, love, acceptance, recognition. Anything. And until we find it, we must not stop, even if it's hard. Because the things worth finding is never easy to look for.

Your mind changes like the moon

And the boys go on and on and on and on.
And there is gold falling from the ceiling of this world.
Falling from the heartbeat of this girl.
Falling from the things we should have learned.
Falling from the the things we could have heard.

Falling from the people that we hurt.
Falling from the love we never earned.
Falling from the sky that should have burned.

Falling from my heart, falling from my heart.


Angus and Julia Stone- And the boys

This one is for you and me, living out our dreams.

I’m a daydreamer. I’m thinking, but I probably just want someone to think about.

- Ellie

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Tears stream down your face,
when you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face,
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.

Right at the feet of the one who wished for me

If I were a falling star, I would know where to fall.

I don't understand you. I don't understand anybody. I don't understand how you can say things that you know would hurt people. I can understand if you're upset but to make others feel your misery too is such a mean move. That's why I hate people who guilt trip others. I don't fall for these bullshit, you only fucking poss me off. I hate it when people try to manipulate my feelings and I get fucking pissed when I feel mine being manipulated. Why don't you ask yourself if you did any thing worthy for others affection, why don't you try? Have you even think about what you did and if everything you ever did is right? I'm sure not.
Sometimes it gets on my nerve when I'm irritated with someone I care about. Because then I start to care less and That's when it all ends, when someone love less, it puts an invisible distance between you and the person and it's not possible to close it. It's not possible to make it go back to the past.

The one that got away

In another life I would make you stay, so I don't have to say that you were the one that got away.

We would meet at a totally unexpected venue or situation. Maybe I would be looking up from my book trying to process a line and our eyes would meet. It wouldn't be an electric glance, but rather one of complete understanding, an understanding I can't yet come up with. We would both return to what we are doing and maybe you would leave first. We would meet again at the same place a month later and this time we might actually strike up a conversation. I would be reading a book you've already read and I would be surprised and impressed when you quoted the book. We would discuss and share our opinions on the book and feel a comfortable bond between us. But we wouldn't give each other our numbers because we have been tempted and excited by coincidence and fate. We would share a friendly smile and return to whatever we were planning to do. Nevertheless we will be looking forward to meeting each other whenever we visit our place. We will meet 3 weeks later and I wouldn't be reading this time. I would be looking around with a wandering eye and then our eyes will meet. I will give a beautiful smile and our hearts will be beating faster than usual and you will sit opposite me and you'll pull out a book from your bag. You told me to read it cos it's a great book and your life has changed since you read it. I would smile and take another book from my bag and give it to you. Then you'll go on with whatever you were planning to do and I'll start reading the book. You'll leave before me and we have yet to exchange numbers. I would feel disappointed but intrigued by the continued mystery. At night I will be reading the book and I will notice a note in one of the pages. On top of that would be your number and a funny line. I would laugh and text you immediately. The same night you'll be lying on your bed reading my book and processing my favorite quotes I underlined. You would smile upon receiving my text and we will start texting our favorite lines to each other. Maybe we will fall in love, maybe we will be best friends or friends for life. But life is chokeful of possibilities and the best is we never know what will come next.

One lost word

“It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I’ll never see him again like this… well yes, I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There’s a moment in life where you can’t recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses.”
Marion, 2 Days in Paris

In another life, it would be us against the world.

I like the idea of a parallel universe.
In my mind, my parallel universe would consist of different results and endings because of the different decisions I made. Or something like what could have happened instead of what happened.
For example, in a parallel universe, I would have said yes instead of no. We could have gone on and did our thing but eventually leave each other because the love has run dry. And them we could most possibly move on without regrets.
Or, I would have asked why before that and eventually say no. That would work too.
In a parallel universe, I would have worked harder to make some friendships work. And it would work, I would still know what to say and how to be there for you and comfort you and make all of us feel comfortable.
In a parallel universe, I would take on a different persona. I wouldn't be someone with a hard shell that aims to hurt and only accept the person if they are still there despite being hurt. I would be more open, less worried and less guarded. More naive and less realistic.
In a parallel universe, I would make a different decision and end up doing something entirely different from what I am doing now. I would meet different people and turn out differently. I would probably be more happy and more unhappy than what I am now. But that's something I'll never know.
In a parallel universe, I would fight for what I want and say things that will make a difference. And things would turn out differently.
Basically, I would not have the regrets I had today but maybe other regrets. I wonder how that would work. Whether I would be happier. Because all I want to be is happier. Happier than what I am now.

“The kissed surprised him because it had been so long since he’d kissed anyone but Elspeth. It surprised Valentina because she had hardly ever kissed anyone that way — to her, kissing had always been more theoretical than physical. Afterwards she stood with her eyes closed, lips parted, face tilted. Robert thought, ‘She’s going to break my heart and I’m going to let her’.”
Audrey Niffenegger, Her Fearful Symmetry.

Time changes everything.

"If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just passes you by."

My Best Friend’s Wedding

Sure, she has got it all.
But baby is that all you want?

You said you like how I would mouth the lyrics while listening to my favorite songs.

We need a little of each other in our lives.

I've been in a bit of a dump lately. I'm not good company. I snapped out my replies or don't even bother replying. I can't figure out what is wrong and I really want to. A levels is coming to and end but I hardly feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. I hate knowing I'm going to spend months worrying about my results. Actually, maybe it's the vampire show I'm watching lately. It's starting to rub off on me. I even wore a red shirt today. I don't even know why I'm saying this. Ugh.

"You are beautiful and I'm just a man."

I just exercised for an hour. It's tough... Exercising... Losing weight. But it's quite futile cos I don't want to lose weight that badly. Life after a levels is not as liberating as expected. Maybe it's cos I still have an mcq paper but I think it's more of the situation of boredom you are thrown into after having endless things to do. Dramas are not that interesting, your mind is thinking about so many other things than you can really appreciate the words on the book and you feel useless I guess. Anywayi watched you're the apple of my eye with Cheryl recently. It was a great movie but strangely, it didn't make much of an impact in my mind, it was great during the movie and not that great after it.
I hate spending my time walking about the malls and not having something concrete to do.... Something is preventing me from really enjoying my relax time and I don't know what it is. Yesterday I had steamboat with vivien and we had quite a meal, walked around and talked and talked. He make me realize how I'm a rather pessimistic person. I always felt I was realistic but I think I am more pessimistic than realistic. I'm running out of things to talk about and I feel numbed recently.... I wish I can stop feeling like that.

Buy old movies and watch them on my bed.
Read my favorite books and buy new ones.
Go swimming at least twice a week.
Go running at least once a week.
Visit Barney's.
Explore Singapore with my favorite girls.
Have lunch or dinner at a breakfast all day restaurant.
Read at a quiet cafe that serves really good cake and tea.
Have brunch or afternoon tea with my favorite girls.
Have a picnic at Marina Barrage again.
Go to the beach at Sentosa.
Try out the peaches and cream homemade mask and maybe the tomato ones.
Buy facial products to improve my skin.
Go to the airport to read and watch the planes at the viewing area.
Pretend to be tourists visiting Singapore.
Watch a live band perform.
Volunteer at a charity.
Read more and get a pretty notebook where I can write my favorite quotes down.
Print photos to fill up my photo album.
Learn to play a guitar.
Learn a new language.
Try a new hairstyle, go for something short.
Bake a cake, preferably tiramisu or blackforest.
Attend baking lessons.
Join a yoga class.
Go swimming with my friends.
Buy an instant camera and take pictures with all my favorite people.
Buy wildflowers for myself.
Explore other picnic places.
Work at someplace totally unexpected for a month.
Go star gazing.
Have a picnic at night.
Watch the city lights at night.
Learn how to bake a chicken.
Dabble into poetry.

Phys is tmr and I've only started studying now. To top things off, I've a lit paper in the morning. If I screw tmr papers up I'm royally screwed. Sigh. Part of me knew I'm going to screw this up so who am I trying to kid. Sigh....

Will you try to fix me

Coldplay's Fix you is stuck in my head. I'm broken by the math paper today, i can't check the answers cause I'm afraid that I will be wrong. Sometimes I wonder what is it that i didn't know to get a decent grade. I studied and practice, I did math to death but I still can't bridge the gap.
I hate what school turned me into. I feel stupid, even more stupid as I learn more and more, isn't education supposed to make you feel smarter, for you to learn more?
Why is it that you try your best but you don't succeed? Maybe I didn't try my best. Maybe it's just not good enough. If that's so, tell me, tell me what you want and if I can give it to you, I will. You can't just expect me to know.
Life can be so cruel sometimes. You take a bright piece of me each time and one day I will just lose my light.

Having a headache right now. That sucks cause I've math paper tomorrow and my revision is not complete.
Gp was pretty screwed in my opinion but some part of me hope it went okay. I can't really give a shit right now cause it seems like I'm screwing everything up. I've been trying to convince myself that a private uni is fine but I hate how I'll let my parents down. I hate to do so but I've so many stuff like phy and econs which seems pretty screwed. Ugh. Thinking about all this makes the back of my neck ache more. I have to get back to my revision. I hope math goes well or i'm going to be super f up.

You are a bad boy, for breaking her heart

I've just read a love novel from one of my favorite author. It's the sort of story that could bring you back to the time when you truly did love someone but lost him. I love those kind of stories where you break up with your true love and eventually get back together after years. Cliche, I know. But it's so romantic to me. I don't think you can fall in love many many times in your life. A couple of times top. Your first love is important because that's when the love is pure, innocent and full of hope and faith. After that you are never what you started out to be. You know what it's like to get your heartbroken. You know how to keep a certain distance so you wouldn't hurt so much when you part, you know the truth to love. It doesn't always last. I know it's sounds like duh! But I think nobody starts off thinking it will end. Which bring me back to my point of how romantic it is to go back to your first love/true love even after you separated. It's as if it's fated. No it is fated. It's meant to be and it's written in the stars and approved by god or something. It's like how you go around a maze and finally reach where you are meant to end up at. But maybe it's just me, wanting to know and prove that what I had was real. I do admit I questioned myself over the years. Looking at the past makes you view things from many different perspective. I settled on a couple and decided that I really did love him. Albeit not perfectly, but in the best way I could, slowly but surely. I took a while to be sure but time was not on my side. On the other hand, I think he didn't love me but I would like to think he did. But it would contradict with everything I'm trying to prove. That real love lasts and it never stops. I'm quite confused too at this point but well I've gotten over hanging on to the rope with what little of it that I had. It's not that I hate moving on later, it's the regrets and unanswered questions that would forever be plaguing me. I hope that one day I can finally come to terms with myself and put the past where it is. As of now, I'm perfectly alright and happy just the way I am. However I do feel quite stunted over the years. Disappointments are bound to make you more cynical.

Free fallin

I don't think I've ever felt so low in a while. I do remember this feeling though. Feeling like nothing, feeling like you're as worthless as it gets because nothing you ever do is right, nothing ever goes the way you want it to. I hate being the sort that allow my results to determine who I am. I know that results are not just all, I need to have the spirit and goals and dreams for life. But all these are nothing if I can't get through the doors to open the gates of success. I hate failing. I think it's cruel to see zero and failing marks on my papers. It's so demoralizing and depressing. I hate seeing that what I studied for and wrote everything i could think of can't even get me a passing grade. I hate seeing that grade which says that oh no Jocelyn failed her math again, oh she's so weak in math, oh she's so dumb. I want to say fuck it, I don't give a damn if I screw my a levels up, life is more than this. But I realize it isn't. This is all I have. I have nothing to say if I were to fail my exams. I don't have anything else to prove my worth. It can't get worse than this. I don't even feel tired, I feel hopeless, lost. Tell me what I've not done to deserve a pass. I did all I could and this is what I get. Nothing anyone says can make you feel better. I know my friends are trying. But no, nobody gets it unless they are in the same state. And even if they were to motivate me and tell me to believe in myself. I can't. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't see myself overcoming this and doing well eventually. And it makes me more and more hollow as I have to motivate people to do well because deep down I can't even see what I can do to pull myself out of this sandpit. I feel like I'm sinking every second and people, company, everybody is suffocating me. My troubles and worries are pulling me down. I can't stop thinking. I want to. I want to get out of this stupid self pity party I'm throwing myself but I can't seem to do it. I feel that life is unfair. Unfair to me. It's not fair surely. It will never be fair. I can feel all my dreams sipping through my fingers. I feel like sleeping until everything is over.
Can. you. just. let. me. go.

Lost

“When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and its time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you dont even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert 

Exactly what I'm feeling now.

Sparks

I feel like looking back at 2010 suddenly. You know how it is when people do a mini recap of how their year had been. I realize I didn't really exactly have much to say for 2010. But let me recap on whatever comes to my mind.
In 2010, I received my o level results and I wasn't exactly sad or happy. I expected more but I guess I know I don't deserve much better with what I've put in. I went on to meridian jc, the school of my sec4 dreams. I remembered telling Jo that i die die must go there after mj principal talk at Tk. I enjoyed orientation or at least forced myself to cause deep down I didn't want to be the only one not moving on while the rest of my friends have alrdy moved on. I was excited and had big dreams for my life in meridian. I joined drama club and I can't say I enjoy every minute of it but I'm glad I joined and happy to make new friends there. I love my clique in class and how we stick up for each other and enjoy each other company. I'm happy I met my meridian friends esp amelia aw who is the best funny crazy lame girl ever and Amelia thank you for making meridian more bearable. Since coming to meridian I grew closer to Odelia and we held on to each other for support and comfort. Odelia thank you for being there for me and entertaining me and putting up with me though I diatract you. Hahaha! Thank you zhiqian and Jiayi for being there for me too and though we don't meet up much but seeing you guys around make me happy enough :) I'm glad sharon and I remained close though we each have different schedules and all. We have been friends since like p3 and it really keeps on going and thank you for keeping me grounded and always being there and keeping me sane.
Meridian didn't turn out the way I expected it to be. Somehow I always wish everybody is here with me. If forever10 is here I really think everything would be so much more tolerable and enjoyable. But no matter what I'm glad we manage to stay close and meet up and hang out like it was before.
In 2010, I'm glad Cheryl and I didnt drift apart. Though we talk so much lesser and how we each lead different lives, and how I couldn't really know what is going on in your life, our friendship remained strong. I hate that we are in different schools and how other people have their
best friends in the same school, I'm super glad we meet up whenever we can like after your school or after mine and during hols and everything. It's always too short though but I love and treasure every moment we have together. Love you Cheryl!
For Shi and ju, ju though I meet you less I'm glad you manage to come to mj once, and how we meet at the soccer match once and study sometimes and meet up sometimes. Though we don't meet up much, I'm glad we still are close and although I couldn't be there for you much I love you and hope you are happy at sa, and I think you are. Hahahha! Stay happy ju!!! I love you and hopefully we can meet up more in 2011! Shi! Hahaha you came to mj like twice and we still talk and text and all so it doesnt feel that you're too far away. We must keep in touch and attempt to study tgt! We never study successfully tgt before! I love you and I hope you're happy!
I would say the best thing about 2010 is the new friends I made, and the bestest would be how I stay close to my old friends and keep our friendship as strong as before. Im most proud of myself for that andd though we would be twice or thrice as busy next year, I hope we can still keep in touch and meet up a couple of times and more after a levels.
I hope I can improve in 2011. Start to be serious about my studies and keep my goals in mind. It's time to be serious about school this year since there is so much at stake. I aim to make my parents proud of me and my results this year. I hope I wouldn't be a disappointment again. It's a new year and always another chance to change things around. I will do my best and I wish everyone reading this the best :)