I don't want good and I don't want good enough I want can't sleep can't breathe without your love

Okkkk that's a long title but Hunter Hayes knows what he's talking about. 

Sunday is spent lazily resting and not studying much besides the fact that I'm terribly unprepared for tmr test. 

Have you ever been with people who can make you relax and just loosen up those thoughts you've at the back of your head? I'm lucky to have some people like that in my life. It can be so tiring having to talk and processing conversations and thoughts at the back of your mind on what to say and thinking about things that you wouldn't have to think about if you didn't meet them? I don't know. I think people grow into being more of who they are and somehow I become less adaptive and willing to wrap myself around someone edges. 

Ok. Sufficient mindless rants. Back to bending moments and shear force. 

Tired without doing much today. The weather today is sweater worthy and meant for snuggling in the sheets with my best bet. Days like this i look back and remember how I used to be. And when things start to hurt more. Stop. No, not tonight. 

Tuesday and I feel so drowned with all the shit I've to do. Without even considering revisions, the assignments, presentations and all the shit work is enough to kill me:( 

Spent most of today in school for back to back project meeting. Had dinner with jiayi and the food sucker but the company was awesome. Had most of my negativity sucked away but all the thought of everything I've to do just brings it all back :( don't think. Yes. Sleep. 

C

A thought catalog article ode shared with me reminded me once again of a part of me I don't like to admit too often. I don't like to care, I refuse to care and reject caring for those I am not used to care for. As I was chatting with Viv on the bus regarding her problems and how I would deal with it, she showed me how the way I would deal with things reflect my refusal to care. I am not very selfish. I care sufficiently about most things and care deeply for those who matters to me. As I grow older I surround myself with my own notion of logic and belief so I can stand on a different dimensions from mistakes. I an almost sure that's how I want to live for now until I realize how far away I am from opening up my heart. Everyday I'm distancing myself from what I am seeking and trying to talk myself into believing that what I am doing is right. I look at myself and at those who have loved and lost. You know what the sad part is? I am not less broken, just more crippled by selfishness and timid-ness. 

wytyr

I'm exhausted. Finished work at 5.30 and i didn't join the girls for a movie cos my cramps was acting up so badly. Reached home and had junk food that failed to make me feel better. Received a bold text seemingly joking but i can't take a joke for fuck ok. I hate how people make demands on you at times and all you can think about is who the fuck you think you are. I have people i want to meet and just relax with but the whole reading week is filled with project meetings and assignments and revision i feel like i am fucking drowning. 2 more days of work. I can deal with that. The last time i felt relaxed was the impromptu study date with Kexin, we talked a bit and i spend most of the time trying to understand shear force and bending moments. I want to whine about how i am back to not understanding a shit about all these forces and moments but i have no one to blame but myself. I read somewhere that compared to men woman are less likely to want to relive their younger days. that's bull. I miss studying physics with Cheryl. yes, studying physics. i look at that picture and i miss comfort in the knowledge that my best friend is in Singapore, aljunied, estimatedly 10km away from me. I miss the days where my biggest problem is a problem not even worth shit now. I miss being young, achingly naive and hopeful about my future. I miss being 16 where i fall asleep making resting sounds cos i am comfortable. Now i just fall into nothing, i sleep almost instantly cos i am so tired and sad.

I am so tired now i don't need people telling me what i should do just to make them feel better, i don't need to know what is going on in your life unless i am asking. I don't need to meet you unless i want to. all these obligations and shit is not what i owe you.

And nothing else

can take what only-

was always meant

as solely yours.

-Lang Leav

“Don’t struggle so much, the best things happen when not expected.” 

— Gabriel García Márquez

Feeling everything

On my way to meet the girls for dinner and end the day off slipping into comfort and words wrapping themselves loosely on your mind and untying the knots of accumulated worries. Thursday. Friday. Saturday. Cheryl is trying to meet for breakfast tomorrow and I know that's huge considering the huge packing and stuff she has to handle before flying on Saturday. Everyday is like the scene from before midnight where they look at the sunset together. Still there, still there. Gone. 

No time for sadness

Had a busy but productive day at school  with jiayi. Projects and discussions and assignments are just so overwhelming when I've to deal with work and balancing life in general. There are so many friends you want to meet up and catch up over coffee or a meal, there are books you would like to read, things you would like to google and know more about. With Saturday looming I like not having time to think or worry excessively. Had a wonderful Sunday with Cheryl and jiayi and December will come in a matter of time. I would like to dwell in optimism. These days I look at life and the things that happen around me and to the people I care about, I feel terrified of life. Of what it may bring tomorrow when you neglect and assume. Everyday I am stronger and weaker. I push myself more, tests my limits and make myself work harder when it is not necessary. But simultaneously I grow weaker in the face of life, at the things i cannot predict or control. I constantly worry I am not strong enough, that around the corner something I can't handle will spring up on me and everything I believe and work for would crumble and fall. But with all that has happened I realize how anyone is as strong as one sets out to be. Life would be good as long as I believe in myself a d everyday I would be closer to my dreams and everything I want to achieve in life. 

Can make you happy, make your dreams come true

Everything beautiful reminds me of you. 

See once in a while when it's good

It'll feel like it should

And they're all still around

And you're still safe and sound

And you don't miss a thing

'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again

I can't take this speed it's moving in

I know I can't

Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Fuck

It was so bad. Zing went in earlier and we were surprised cos her flight wasn't until later and the luggages were all settled. We didn't get to talk much cos she had so many friends there and we only hugged and took photos. When she went in my tears just couldn't be held in. And Sharon was like it's okay she will be back and all and I told her its not the same and I said I don't know what to do when Cheryl leaves too. 

It was the same suffocation i felt the time I was rushing home when mummy tell me ye ye was really leaving us. The choking and the tears and the sadness that changes the position of your heart. It twist and wrung your hope dry. 

After leaving the airport for dinner with daddy and mummy who picked me up. I bravely said I didn't cry. That no, I'm not that sentimental sort. Luckily zing called me later when I wasn't with them and she eased everything off with talks and promises on how everything will be constant. That nothing will change and I believe that. And I hold that with me for not only my friendship with her, but with Cheryl and everyone I love. That what we have is constant, it is real, it doesn't rust or change with time. I remember a spoken word poetry once I heard and the poet was talking about how if it is real, if the love is real, it would show with time, it is steadfast and it will be different from the false love life presents us with. 

I am tired and hopeful at the same time. But the idea of next Saturday, at the airport and seeing one of the most important person in my life go to chase a life I know she will revel in. The only sadness that comes is the thought that it isn't her leaving, it isn't me being left behind. It is the Constant, surrounded with hope with change lurking slyly around. 

It's not something you take it's given

On the way to the airport with stay playing. The other day I was thinking about next Saturday. When Cheryl would be taking the plane and how it would be like and it was. It was just sad. Love makes one weak. The only people I feel comfortable loving is my family and friends and I think that's really enough. Enough to bring down the gates behind your eyes and to completely shut your air pipe and wish for just one thing. Stay. 

Searching for lightness

The best days are the ones you spend at home, taking naps, waking up fully rested, face bare and hair unruffled by the wind. Soft, light. Is it just me searching for a lightness of being? I don't want to be bound down to the ground by beliefs and commitment but I prefer that certain things stay rooted. Morals, responsibilities, love. Life

Last month I witness many grey areas. People doing and saying things differently, the contradicting beliefs and actions, diverging wants and actions. I don't know. Have you thought about what is it people want? Simple. It always is simple. People want simple things but I don't think simple things make them happy. Me? I just want two things. Security and stability. Maybe that's what I am lacking now in life. But that would be something I will always remember to appreciate and hold on tightly to. 

Ziying is leaving this Friday and Cheryl he following Saturday. I have my next week packed with project meetings, classes, work, squeezing in dinners and breakfast and a day at gbtb. I write out my days in the scheduler and everything just looks so heavy. Things to do, work, meetings, due dates, presentations, assignments. I'm not asking when will it all end. All I'm thinking is under how much weight would a human then crumble?