"You want to tell someone everything you think you feel and know nothing about, but you can’t help but think that, the more words pour out of your mouth, the further away the truth flies from your understanding."

Yes it's possible for different people to feel and think the same way.

The time of my life

I'm trying to figure out how I've changed over the months and I think I'm quite satisfied with what I am now.

No more openly cynical, secretly worried Jocelyn. I am happy with what I have and if I can have something else, that would be nice, but usually something else is rarely nice so it's best to keep a status quo.
No more pessimistic, negative, the sky is going to drop on me the next moment Jocelyn. I'm more optimistic, more safely hopeful.
No more I don't know where life is heading Jocelyn, I made my choice and I'm going to go all the way, make the best of what I have and make it work for me. I know what I want when I'm 30, when I am 40. So I just need to map it out more concisely and turn my dreams into plans and actions and succeed.

No more life is a torture Jocelyn, life is amazing, I have so much, and I can have so much more. So much to have, so much to give, life is more than what I can ever imagine it to be.

No more why can't I have this, why can't I have that Jocelyn. These Few months have made me learn to be careful of what you wish for. What you want may not be what you need, what you want may just end up being the opposite of what you imagine it to be, so why harp and harbor pointless hopes on what is unnecessary.

I hope I remember what I am now and keep that up in uni. I know things are going to get tough but I am strong and I will only get stronger. I can do it!

Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream, pretty blue dress and my favorite pair of heels, pink sky, slow walk to the bus stop, acoustic music.

The start of the night cant start better :)

I can't change your mind/I can't change, you're mine.

Forever&Always

During the camp I was talking to this guy about our families. He was talking about his sister, of how she's so reliant and attached to his parents, how his parents want to keep her by their side for as long as they can. You could tell his quiet affection for his sister, a steady love that runs deep and strong. I asked him if she was dating anyone and what it would be like for him to see his sister mature eventually. He painted a picture of his sister to me.
"To me, she'd always be the little girl, in her white dress, running across the lawns, laughing with flowers in her hair and joy in her eyes. She'd always be like that to me, so could you imagine if she starts dating someone, we'd be like okay, let's get the guns out, get the knives out, who is this guy!"

I guess that was a really wonderful picture to me, I feel that way with Amanda, how she's always my baby sister, in the walking trolley taking quick baby steps and experiencing the thrill of walking, running, speed, excitement. I can't forget how excited and elated she was. That's what happen with people you love too much, you want to keep them by you, protect them, hold them close and away from the dark world. Seeing them slowly stepping into muddles tug at your heart, but you still have to slowly let them walk their way towards life.

"Love, is not always magic. Sometimes it's black and blue, where it hurts the most."

Happy;Thank You;More Please

They ask me how I felt.

Blessed

They ask me how I felt.

Contented

They ask me how I felt.

Thankful

Light;Fuel

Met Cheryl for lunch today, it was short, but I needed it.
I've felt pretty out of touch after being in camp for a couple of days. It should be nothing, really. I had fun. I guess I'm just uncertain about where life goes from here, whether I'm ready, whether I made the right decision.
Sometimes I beat myself up for not appealing to fass. It would have been much better there, I've people I trust and love there. Now, I've to start over, try and maybe not get what i have now. But it's okay, I have to step out of my comfort zone. I can do it.
I'm stepping lightly on optimism these days, looking at the bright side, seeing life through cleaner lenses, searching for something worth being happy about and it's good cos I can always find it.
I'm trying to take things easy, to not be so tensed up, it's working. Sometimes I see myself consciously pushing people I don't want in my life away. I know I'm selfish, I can't help but think for myself.
I'm suddenly reminded of someone saying I'm innocent. I think I am not. I know stuff, yes I may not know all the deep dark stuff of the world but I'm not ignorant, not inexperienced, not a virgin to the world of experiences. Innocent sounds...lowly. Like I'm stupid or timid.
But all is good. I need to throw away careless words that would bring me down. It's strange how words can mean two different meanings to different people. You could have meant it in a positive sense but I chose to see it in a negative point of view. I guess that's why we have to be really really specific when we phrase our words together.
I'm still exhausted. I should catch up on some sleep. Goodnight.

I have everything

Your post really got me thinking about myself. I try to stand outside the circle of me and circle about myself.

I no longer want or need somebody to understand me. Nobody ever could achieve that with anyone else. I accept your inability to grasp onto any part of me. But I guess what really got to me was how I can tell you see me as a disappointment. I am not. I'm cynical but I still love, I act tough and all knowing but I survive, I am selfish but I give. It's not that I don't let on much, I do. I gave you so many many opportunities to understand me but all you can say its hard and you are trying. You are not. You just want to change me into something you feel would be better. More optimistic, more accepting of love. I can't, won't and refuse to change for anyone. Call me stubborn but that's the way I want to live my life. I don't need anyone who can't see how wonderful I am, how I'm trying to survive and be as strong as I can, how I'm trying hard to be positive, optimistic and hopeful. I know the best way to live, and if our ideas clash it doesn't mean we have to change. We just need someone who complements our ideas or someone who accepts.

I guess it wasn't only me who was disappointed. You were. But don't you see, If I were to see myself as a disappointment, would I still need another person in my life who see me as one? No, I don't, not when I'm fighting to be a better person everyday. It's mutual, just that you have already disappointed me to a point where your presence is a constant irritant and reminder of how others see me as a failure.

I'm on the bus now and as we passed orchard and marina bay sans it struck me how there are so many things out there, so many opportunities, so many chances, so many risks, so many rewards, wealth, materialistic satisfaction, everything. So many thiga right in front of me. I will study hard, study smart, do well, improve, improvise, stop believing in fate and start taking chances, grab, hold on to and take and take and take, i will take all I need, take more, take what I want, what I don't want. Everything. In the midst of so many things I could have, I feel the urgency, the drive, the need to succeed. I can't wait for uni to start, I will do well. I will study hard and I will be everything I should be and have everything I want.

Just as tiresome as I thought

When you said that you felt like you gave a lot, I guess what you were trying to say is understanding, tolerating and compromising is a lot of work.

Starships are meant to fly

To my friends who I think is reading this, i hope you don't misunderstand what I meant when I say I don't want to share your problems. To me, when my friends tell me their problems, it affects me mentally, like their problem becomes a potential problem I could face in the future and sometimes it gets pretty negative and down for me. I just feel like I want to be there for you guys when you need me, but I just don't know if I can make friends who would matter as much as you such that it's worth it for me to be more cynical and negative about life. So yeah, I just feel like I should meet more people, make more friends and see the different characters in life. I would make close friends if I ever have a chance to, but I guess part of me feels that it's pretty unlikely so I'm trying to rule out the scenario so I wouldn't be disappointed.

I can't say how happy I feel today, I guess it's not just happy. But more of like a familial feeling, a contentment and security that's beyond what I have with all of my friends. I guess it's cos I've met you guys at a period of my life where I would always want to go back to. And to share the memories with you guys is something I wouldn't ever want to lose or let go. I have faith that it's really possible for us to be friends for a lifetime and I will do my best to make sure we can reach that goal! Haha! I feel like some cheesy person. But yup!

I guess I want to recreate myself, like what car mentioned. I want a beta test to see if I can be a better me and if by being different, i can be better, I want to change. Or improve. It's a matter of perspective I guess. It's not that what I am isn't good enough, but maybe what I could change to be would be better. Or maybe I just want to step out of my comfort zone and routine of sticking to a clique. Well, I don't know, I guess car really did ask a good question! Hahaha, I will probably try to think if I can figure out a better answer!

City

I hate it when I feel myself slipping out of my mind and slowly succumbing to social expectations.

“Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.”

Maybe In Another Universe, I Deserve You « Thought Catalog

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

It has been a long day and sometimes at work I'm so immersed I don't even notice the time. My colleague was telling me to loosen up and smile, take things easy. I remembered the last time someone told me that, my favorite teacher when I was in sec two. She was wonderful really, she made me fall in love with literature and change my view on classic novels. I used to think nothing beats the latest fiction but she showed me the deeper meaning in reading and that is one of the best gift I've ever received.

Sometimes people ask what do you want, as If the answer could somehow bring you what you want, as if they could provide the answer, give me exactly what I want. But that's never the case. No one just want one thing. Everyone wants more than one thing, probably everything. So I don't see why people should ask if they can't give me what I want.

I've been trying to test out different ways to live life and currently I think I'm walking on a path I'm comfortable with. Which reminds me of the time ju , Sharon and I discussed what we expect to have in our life in our late twenties and thirties. Consciously I will wonder if I purposely leave out the things I can't have/don't have now so I wouldn't face disappointment in the future. But I believe I'm not. I believe in what I say is in tangent to what I really want and expect. I realize how my feeling of insufficiency arise from my concrete lack of achievements. I want something to prove my worth, something I can say I have worked hard for and truly deserve the rewards. I want success. I don't believe that's wrong to say it out. Saying I want to have money, power and fame is not materialistic, it's realistic. I know all these can't make you happy but they in some way affect how you would e happy in various aspects.

Even so, I refuse to admit I'm stunted. Recently, someone told me certain stuff she went through has made her look at couples and say to herself how it wouldn't last. I guess that's pretty stunted but it's not unfounded. I understand behind anyone who don't take love seriously is someone who once took love seriously and things did not went the right way. Yes, maybe they should have sucked it up and believe that love is out there and shit but certain things impact people in a way we can't imagine and measure. So I will no longer judge a flirt and say see la, you guys always flirt around one. Maybe they were hurt before or maybe they are just natural flirts or genetically incapable to commit, who knows and seriously who cares? We cant judge people who treats love in a different way from us, it's their choice and their life.

I guess I can start uni life healthily with this mindset. Recognize people as who they are and if they are not compatible with my personality, remain in cordial terms and accept them for who they are. I remember reading somewhere that i may not be perfect but I'm exactly the way god intended me to be. Though I seriously doubt that case applies for every human being, but yeah. Why be so hard on yourself and others? Why strive to change yourself when you are what you are, if people can't deal with it, sorry goodbye then. It's so simple and yet so hard to achieve. But I believe I can. I want to be a people's person, everyone's friend.

Well besides this thought, I've been playing someone like you over in my head. I can't seem to shake off the phrase "sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead." it's so undeniably true. Oh, and I've been trying to figure out the answer to this question, If you are a pizza topping, what topping would you be? Maybe I'm trying to hard to be the most unique topping, maybe I could be the crust that holds everything together, but then I wouldn't be a topping.... Whatever, I'm sleepy now. Goodnight world!

Rationalizing

I remembered telling Sharon some things are too hard and to make things worse, it might not be worth the effort.
She pointed out everything requires effort, living, studying, friends, everything in life. And If it's worth the effort, we would do it no matter how hard it could possibly be.
It's true. But I guess slowly we prioritize the stuff in our life and certain things just get pushed down the list, they become and far below or purposely pushed aside it no longer become important.
I guess maybe I'm starting to really know what I want in and from life. Now I just have to go through with my plan and see where I end up.
On a side note, I'm exhausted. Monday went by too slowly and I've not felt so tired in a long while. I feel like I need a break but I don't think I will be stopping work till the end of second week of July? Sighh. I just need to pull strong. Not everyone gets holiday, I'm lucky to even get one. This is just a prep for the future. I am strong, fighting!

Disappointments

"You can be very difficult."
"I know. Like many things in this world, I'm hardly worth the effort."

A worrier needs a warrior

Sometimes people ask you to tell them more about yourself, more about what you are thinking and feeling and briefly you feel happy. Alas someone is willing to shoulder a little of your burden. But when the words come out, you don't feel that it is being treated as important as it should be. You revealing a part of yourself is not as precious and important as it is to you. And you realize sometimes you don't have to put in any effort. No effort whatsoever because not everyone deserve a chance. Not everyone deserve a piece of you when you don't have many pieces left.

Each time I feel disappointed, I feel angry, anger of almost equal intensity. Because I'm not a cynic, I hate to be a cynic, but I'm turning into a bitter one. And as much as I want to hold my walls, at the darkest hour I feel everything crumbling down, my defenses, my pride, my feelings.

Why. Why is it so difficult to find someone who cares?

Set

Up

To which point do I stop feeling disappointed and learn to take what I get and not expect more?

Jocelyn, you've so much to learn.

Whymustwemeetireallydonotunderstand

1136, you called. I was surprised. I debated with myself and answered your call. Our conversation was surprisingly smooth till we talked about if we could meet up. Not my fault that I'm busy on Sunday, really. I don't have to feel bad. Yes. What's most important was how I felt. I guess I was certain then. That I don't like you the way I want myself to like someone I would potentially be with. I didn't feel extra happy or excited or anything. I just felt normal. I'm glad I've got this sorted out.

I didn't miss you as much as I thought I did. I hope you feel the same way too.

I'm trying to understand the quote "We accept the love we think we deserve."
How is that true when people are innately built to want more, more than they have, more than they need and more than they deserve?

Days are going by quickly and slowly and I'm a little overwhelmed. Besides all that I know that I am happy. I had a wonderful night today and it just gets better everyday. I can't tell if I'm happier because passing each day proves how I can live perfectly well without you or if I'm happier because each day is closer to when I will finally talk to you. I choose to believe in the former. I am ok, I am fine, I am great, I feel infinite at times and most importantly at this present moment I am happy, happier than I remember and happier than I can ever imagine myself to be. And all this takes place without you. That has got to mean something doesn't it? That I am self sufficient, that I am free, that I've no tangible/intangible feelings towards you.

Thinking about all this is strange. All I know Is I have got to make a list of what makes me happy before I feel tiresome. Life will only get better! I believe it will. It will. Because everything I do now would be towards making life better and the entire universe will be on my side as it always have been.

I'm reeking positivity. I want to make this last. I'm rarely positive. I'm glad I've something to hold on to. Glad to e alive, to have so many people I love who loves me. I want to feel like I deserve this. I deserve this.

On a side note, I'm sorry I am not replying your text Cheryl. Replying long texts is getting out of me. I will kick back into the habit of replying you long long texts. Sorry!!

I am so perplexed. Underlying this contentment I feel something unhappy brewing. I will shake this feeling out.

Goodnight.

“Are we all on the same page, Delilah?
The same page? I don't even think we're even in the same library, but no need to bring that up.”

Sarah Ockler, Fixing Delilah

Maybe I shouldn't ask to be on the same page. How could anyone possibly be on the same page with an entirely different being.

Come tomorrow it will seem so yesterday

Yesterday was horrid, I had insomnia. But it gets better everyday, life gets better everyday, I get better everyday.


If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

Marcus Aurelius

Things only affect me if I allow them to. So yup, no affection, no distress.
Somehow eventually I will be a human with robot parts. Life is easier if you're Mr Tin man before he requested to have a heart.

Happiness is a specific. Misery is a generalisation. People usually know exactly why they are happy. They very rarely know why they are miserable.

Dancing juice and look in your eyes

Haven't really had a good sleep these past few days. I hate how I wake up randomly and look at my phone checking for messages.

Tonight I woke up to juliana's tweet to watch the proposal video. It was really really sweet, sweet how much one can do just for the person they love.sweet how despite the cruel reality of life and love people still continue attempt to make it work, to try, to give, to love and to promise.

I believe everyone deserves love. Maybe they might get the kind of love they do no understand or want, or just the kind they want and crave, or only the kind they need, but eventually they get love.

But to me, I believe this quote I saw today. "if you ever find that love is the answer, then you need to rephrase the question."

Goodnight.

She wanted more than he could give

I've been lacking sleep these days. My mood is constantly affected by things that I don't deem important enough.

I like to enjoy time apart from people I'm being increasingly close to. It helps me tell If I can do without them. But i'm pretty sure this time. I know I can do without you and I like that. I hate our conversations. I hate having to explain what I mean, hate having to explain my point of view when all you can and should do is accept it. I hate having to share your problems because they make you tiresome, I hate how I feel things are getting less important to you while it's growing on me. I hate how I have to reply you because I will, I hate obligation, hate the way you phrase your words, hate how your problems rubs off on me, hate how you really really don't understand or know me, hate how you say extend when it should be extent. I hate how I can no longer tell you stuff or enjoy telling you stuff. I hate how you make me compare, make me wait and wait and wait and expect and expect and expect while you constantly disappoint me. I hate how you want me to give when I don't think you've given a whole lot. Well basically I hate a whole lot about you.

So I'm glad we have distance and space. I will grow back into my old routine, where you'll only be on a couple of times until one day you'll slowly leave and new people comes in and they leave and life goes on.

I am going to enjoy myself at admission day tomorrow. Make friends, make a whole fucking lot of friends because you think I don't make friends when I told you I have enough friends and strangers make me uncomfortable in a way you'd never understand. I don't think you ever get how I've repeatedly told you how my friends are enough, more than enough, more than I need and deserve because i think you always brush what i say off. So yes. I hope you eat on your words soon and just freaking agree with me next time because you never make sense, or I'm just stubborn.

I don't know why I'm irritated. It's like I'm quarreling with myself. And yes, I hate how I can never quarrel with you and end up being upset and quarreling with myself. I'm just so fucking tired of what you do to me so I'm done with this. Better off without you anyway.