The difficulty
with love, I want to say, is sometimes
you only know afterwards that it’s arrived
or left.

Saudade (Portuguese):
The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist.”
It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting desire for a lost love, or for an imaginary, impossible, never-to-be-experienced love. Whether the object has been lost or will never exist, it feels the same to the seeker, and leaves her in the same place: She has a desire with no future. Saudade doesn’t distinguish between a ghost, and a fantasy. Nor do our broken hearts, much of the time.

Steel ladies

I had an amazing dinner with Sharon last night. I missed talking to her. She's one of the few people whose presence comfort me. She's so nervous about results and I thought I had totally no faith but she's srsly faith-less. Which is funny cos I can see her getting the As she worked so hard for. No matter what, I hope we both do well and end up at the same uni. We've been in the same school since we were 7 and friends since we were 9. Hopefully we will all do well. I need to have some confidence. Srsly.
I woke up this morning frightened cos I thought it was thursday and I'm getting my results on Friday. Imagine what I would feel tomorrow.

Issues

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a final mess but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, Florence and The Machine

You're beautiful, you're beautiful.
It's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don't know what to do cos I'll never be with you.

But it's time to face the truth.
I will never be with you.

Friday.
I'm nervous.

Byronic

"Nothing seduces a woman quicker than a trace of sadness in the eyes."

It must have been love. But it is over now.

I've been thinking of my infatuation with love recently. I'm seriously infatuated with love. Somedays I'm slightly obsessed with love stories and hoping that love would drop on my feet soon. Every other day I would be all nonchalant and dismissing love as unnecessary and redundant in my life. I don't need it/I'm still young/love hurts, you're better off alone.
I think the reason why I'm hung up on it is because I don't possess it. You know how you only take interest about something when others have it while you don't or you idolize it too much and hoping it would shed some light on you. That's the way I explain my situation. I've been in a 'dry spell' for way too long(in my opinion) and probably watching too many unrealistic dramas and witnessing the sweet moments of love from my friends, I can't deny it makes me want to be in love. But my dad is right. I'm still young (though not too young), love struck at times when it's the right moment and times when it isn't, at times when you're ready and at times when you're not but it comes eventually. I have to believe that. That when it's my time I will get what I think I want or maybe not. It's true that there are a million other things to want in the world. And there is no reason to be hung up on one of the more glamorized stuff. And not anyone will do! That's the problem. That's what I'm worried of. That nobody will do, that after all this while I've raised and unrealistic expectations of love and I will never be happy enough, satisfied, with what I'm given. I don't want to think about it. I'm trying not to but it's hard. But I'm trying to see the bright side of this situation. I'm learning to be independent. Just in case I have no one to rely on in future, I can say I can rely on myself. Live and survive alone. Plus, there is this saying that goes, you live alone,you die alone. Everything else is just an illusion. Which I partly believe in. And most importantly I have two great loves in my life. My family and my friends. I can have more but I'm happy and lucky enough to have them.
Maybe it's time I learn to love myself.

How Do You Know
Joe Mills

How do you know if it’s love? she asks,
and I think if you have to ask, it’s not,
but I know this won’t help. I want to say
you’re too young to worry about it,
as if she has questions about Medicare
or social security, but this won’t help either.
“You’ll just know” is a lie, and one truth,
“when you still want to be with them
the next morning” would involve too
many follow-up questions. The difficulty
with love, I want to say, is sometimes
you only know afterwards that it’s arrived
or left. Love is the elephant and we
are the blind mice unable to understand
the whole. I want to say love is this
desire to help even when I know I can’t,
just as I couldn’t explain electricity, stars,
the color of the sky, baldness, tornadoes,
fingernails, coconuts, or the other things
she has asked about over the years, all
those phenomena whose daily existence
seems miraculous. Instead I shake my head.
I don’t even know how to match my socks.
Go ask your mother. She laughs and says,
I did. Mom told me to come and ask you.


From Zing's blog. Love is too vast a matter to comprehend.

10 days to taking results. I think I'm slowly dying inside.

Just a moment ago while I was on the train home, one of the smrt staff started blowing his whistles and people start getting off the train. I am very amused by how people seems to know they were supposed to get off the train and well, how ridiculous the situation seems to be.
That's good, to be amuse I mean. I'm rarely amused by such events. It's good that I'm not stressed up over the upcoming a level results. Right....

I never like guys who kid around too much. They make me anxious and nervous. Plus, you can never trust them. You never know if they are serious or just kidding around. I hate that. Maybe because I'm too serious. But I feel that emotions and feelings are not meant to be played around with.

We were playing checkers. I used to kid her once in a while because she wouldn't take her kings out of the back row. But I didn't kid her much, though. You never wanted to kid Jane too much. I think I really like it best when you can kid the pants off a girl when the opportunity arises, but it's a funny thing. The girls I like best are the ones I never feel much like kidding.

The Catcher in the Rye, J.D Salinger

“Frustrated? Yes. Why? Because it is impossible for me to be God.”
Sylvia Plath, Journals


I'm frustrated with myself for being me. Imperfect, flawed and always drowning myself in my failures and regrets.

It's valentine's day. I told Cheryl that means we are one valentine's day closer to the one meant for us. That's if there is such a person out there. But I guess love is in the air and I choose to believe.
I wish that all lovers out there would be reminded of why they love each other and remember all the good times they had together. And of course for singles to find their right one soon. Happy valentine's day!

Frightening

I think it's hard to say what I feel sometimes.
I think that some people can be so detestable, so mean and unkind.
I think the unknown is scary, the future and what is to come is frightening.
I think that sometimes there is no point in making friends with new people because I know part of who they are with little things they say.
I think I judge people way too harshly and it makes people I don't know seem severely flawed.
I think I'm scared of disappointment and rejection.
I think the fact that I agree with the quote "people live alone and they die alone. Everything is just an illusion" is scary.
I think I'm having too much alone time and it's making me think too much.
I think I've fears I need to think about and talk myself out of.
I think I am once again tired. Tired of life and the disappointment it throws in my face constantly.

Congratulations, Blue October

Is that seat taken
Congratulations
Would you like to take a walk with me

My mind it kind of goes fast
I try to slow it down for you
I think I'd love to take a drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years
My heart

My heart, my pain won't cover up
You left me.. hu hu hu hu
My heart won't take this cover up
You left me.. hu hu hu hu

I came to see the light in my best friend
You seemed as happy as you'd ever been
My chance of being open was broken
And now you're Mrs. him.

My words they don't come out right
But I'll try to say I'm happy for you
I think I'm going to take that drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years
My heart

My heart, my pain won't cover up
You left me.. hu hu hu hu
My heart
My heart won't take this cover up
You left me.. hu hu hu hu

And I can't change this
I can never take it back
But now I can't change your mind

And I can't change this
I can never take this back
But now I can't change your mind
can't change your mind

Go away
Make it go away
Please.

"I would never be this lucky twice"

"You and Sarajevo"
Bruce Dawe

Hearing the sound of your breathing as you sleep,
with the dog at your feet, his head resting
on a shoe, and the clock's ticking
like water dripping in a sink
-- I know that, even if reincarnation were a fact,
given the inherent cruelty of the world
where beautiful things and people
are blasted apart all the day long,
I would never want to come back, knowing
I could never be this lucky twice...

"What?"
"I forgot. I forgot what I was going to say."
"Then it must have been a lie."

Is it strange that I feel sickened whenever someone says something so utterly shallow? I understand that there are at times where people don't say what they feel, they say what others expect them to or what is socially normal. But shouldn't one only says what they feel and believe?
At times like this it's hard not to judge others with what they say. What you say becomes what you think and it becomes who you are as a person. People should choose their words wisely. Sigh....

Trying to keep the light on

It's possible that the books I read are too depressing.

One thing smoke does is lower your voice. It did not sound like me, thanking the firefighters. I said thanks, but I did not feel grateful. I stood aside and watched, breathing the tarry air. I watched myself lose all that I was losing, and I knew why Dr Winton had stayed inside his house.
I know about this now.
I know that homes burn and that you should think what to save before they start to. Not because, in the heat of it, everything looks as valuable as everything else. But because nothing looks worth the bother, not even your life.

The collected stories of Amy Hempel

You are as confounding as the reason why I look for your face in a sea of unfamiliar people.

Learning to knit was the obvious thing. The separation of tangled threads, the working together of raveled ends into something tangible and whole- this mending was as confounding as the groom who drives into a stop sign on the way to his wedding. Because symptoms mean just what they are. What about the woman whose empty hand won't close because she cannot grasp that her child is gone.

The collected stories of Amy Hempel

Anger is stronger than fear

After a quake(earthquake), the six o'clock news air a film clip of first graders yelling at the broken playground per their teacher's instructions.
"Bad earth!" they shout, because anger is stronger than fear.

The collected stories of Amy Hempel