Love is not a matter of choice but an obdurate fact of surrender.

Two quotations from a beautifully written novel, Be Near Me by Andrew O'Hagan:

I can only say it now. At the centre of himself, a man cannot choose whom to love. He can choose how to live and can honour the truth of himself where he may. But he cannot choose whom to love, any more than he can choose how tall he is or how good. One can take up platform shoes or fine deeds, but the heart will always have the last word, and when the word is love we can recognise, we can respond, we can submit and we can try to ignore, but we can never choose. Love is not a matter of choice but an obdurate fact of surrender. (p. 288-289)

Memory is a kind of friendship, a friendship with the more necessary parts of oneself. How often do we reach for the pasts’s genial knowledge to meet the unknowables of the present, asking once again that the anterior world might blossom into life and colour the current day? In this at least I cannot be alone. (p. 175)


Literaryquotes.livejournal.com

Cos I found someone to carry me home

Tonight, we are young.
So let's set the world on fire.
We can burn brighter than the sun.

Have you ever felt like you are running very fast, just to stay in the same place?

AQUARIUS WOMAN:
If you are in love with a woman in this zodiac be prepared to be very happy or be very sorry. She is a very busy person with her own matters similar to a guy in this zodiac. She is able to live by herself without any guy in her life, a very strong person indeed.

Not because she does not have a dream guy, but if she can not find such person, so what. Because she thinks she could do anything that a man can do. She is a leader , a real confident type.

She likes to do things by herself, such as serving herself, opening the door herself. Because she thinks waiting for a helping hand is a waste of time, and she is not patient enough to wait around for that. If she starts to ask you out, do not think she starts to flirt with you, but because she thinks it is a waste of time to wait for you to be the one who asked.

She likes a COOL guy who sometime act like he is ignoring her, so he has a chance to show him his own confident. She like to guess her man’s reaction, but at the same time she likes to has many men wanting her. She is a daring type who could just do thing differently from other people in her same society. She dare to fight for what she thinks belonged to her.

Even she acts confident she mostly feel lonely and alone. If she breaks up with someone , she won’t show any emotion even deep down inside pain and agony. Not for long she will come back to be the cheery and merry person again, because she looks at the world positively and has “Faith” in the word “Love”.

She has more men friends than women friends, so do not be a jealous type if you date her. She could be slightly jealous, but she hates jealous guy. She loves “Freedom” so before and after marriage , her freedom has to be the same. She likes you to trust her, even if she does not trust you anyhow.

She likes to be the one who is “Right”, so if you argue with her , let her win if it is not a big deal for you in that subject. She is a straight forward type, so if she does not love you anymore, she will just tell you straight to your face. Her love and relationship are always real, so if she say “It’s over” be prepare to leave, she is not testing you.

She is not a vulnerable type, so do not have to worry about her, she will survive by herself. If she is with you when you get sick, she will certainly take care and look after you, even look after you mean “small loan”. Do not have secret with her, she hates it and really can piss her badly. When she is sad , be understanding. When she is happy, be happy with her, she likes that.

You will not get bore with this type of girl. Someone who is close to her will know that deep down beneath that confident and cold hearted person, she is just as fragile as any woman. She is a fun and talkative person and she likes to tease you. Do not let she talk alone, if you do she will leave.

She has many type of jobs because she beliefs what a man can do, I can do. If you want her to work for you, forget it. When she is in love, she will just leave her job in the day time just to come to see you, but not for long she will go back to work seriously again. Prepare to live and love with a “Working Woman” then you will be OK.

If she mad, find a shelter for the “Hurricane” is here! Her bad temper will last very shortly though. She is not a revenge type and will not think of “pay Back” time. Most people might think of her as “One of a guy”, but in fact she is a 100% woman. She is easily hurt, so be nice with her. If she really loves you, then you are lucky because she is an honest, truthful and will never bored you. Understand that sometimes she will be over confident and sometimes like to have power or act bossy.

I was thinking if I ever have a daughter I might name her Alice. I would wish for her to have courage, curiosity and the most interesting character.

I used to be a disbeliever.

I'm typing this while lying on my bed, snuggled under the sheets because the night is chilly and my feet are cold. I'm listening to k's choice-For all this. It's a wonderful song for tonight.
Recently my days have been filled with helping my aunt move house, meeting and catching up with friends, family time and stuff... I've been trying to think about what I did but nothing really comes to mind, i've the week packed with stuff but it's not how I want to spend it. I feel tired. Which is strange since I'm free and exam free but I feel tired. My nights are spend trying to tire myself to sleep and even if I wake up late morning I don't feel well rested. I miss breakfast most of the time and by the time I'm out it's time for lunch, I think I miss waking up early in the morning and have a hearty breakfast and feel that I've a day of stuff to accomplish. I'm busy but not how I want to be busy. My left eyelid has been twitching and according to the Internet, i could be stressed or not well rested.... Well that's the most possible case.... I feel empty you know? Like I need something else. It's different from needing a break while cramming school work cos you know what you want. But now I don't. What I want could range from having alone time with myself,a good book and hot chocolate to a new purpose like helping out at an elderly home. I'm stuck in a state where I feel lost again. Up till now it seems like I've always been asking myself what do you want Jocelyn, what do you need. But I don't know. I can't always seem to find the right answers. You could watch movies and look at what others need, love, success, admiration, an ego boost, anything. But I don't know if that's what I need. I can no longer numb myself with a distraction or my hobbies because I feel distracted and out of my body. How do you explain being here but not here? My eyes hurt and my skin is aching to crawl out of my stagnant state but I don't want to move. I feel like tying a black cloth over my eyes and just move on. Let where ever I go to be the next part of my life, roll a dice and let chances determine my next step, but no rational person can take the risk. I don't know... I wonder what I actually know.it's like you know stuff that don't matter and you never know stuff that matter.

What I need.

You would call me love in different languages, French, Spanish, Italian or Latin. I would laugh and be amazed at your immense knowledge of random things of the world. Every time you leave my side, you would come up with a cheesy and silly pick up line when you return and I will give you various reactions each time. I could giggle or gush over you like a star struck teenager or pretend to be insulted and tease you with mock anger. We would then hold hands and walk around aimlessly with moments of comfortable silence and only speaks words worth telling one another. You would fill my notebook with thoughtful quotes and I will read them on my way home. You would buy me raincoat when it rains so we could laugh and run under the rain without getting wet. We would look at the city lights from a roof of a building and it would be so stunning and bright that you thawed a corner of my cold, cynical heart. Ad that corner would be marked with your name even when we part ways. On another night we would both be unable to fall asleep and decide to catch the sunrise. We would go to the nearest beach and catch the sunrise but not really seeing it because we would finally be sleepy and fall asleep in each other arms. By 8 we would wake and eat a scrumptious breakfast where you would give me half of your eggs because I love eggs and I would give you the ham or bacon. We would then go sleep off the rest of the morning and spend the afternoon and early night reading. I might be reading a Murakami's book and be filled with a sense of bleakness and nostalgia but instead of comforting words you would hug me so tightly that you would fill the spaces with your warmth. There goes another corner of my heart. We would have comfort food and walk down the beach. Instead of scrawling I love you on the sand you would scrawl I would always remember the way you make me feel because we both know love was never enough. It stopped being enough since we tell I love you to people easily. We would surprise each other with silly gifts such as a graceful frog or a clumsy swan because we both appreciate sarcasm and cynical events of the world. And instead of conventional rings we would wear antique rings because we appreciate history and the stories of past lovers. If we were to be overwhelm with love or a need to be with one another for the rest of our lives, we would get married in a quaint island with friendly islanders and a beautiful scenic view. I would wear a beautiful white dress and have flyaway hair and sand on my feet because we both got married barefooted. We would have wedding photos with nature in the background filled with trees or wild flowers or the beach or sky or mountains. Instead of hoping we would be together forever we would hold on to the present and appreciate every moment we can be together. We would both grow older and younger together and no matter what we would always love each other.

Moving at constant speed

“Now you’re looking for the secret. But you won’t find it because of course, you’re not really looking. You don’t really want to work it out. You want to be fooled.”

This is the sound of the heart

He puts down the pen, folds the sheet of paper, and slips it inside an envelope. He stands up, takes from his trunk a mahogany box, lifts the lid, lets the letter fall inside, open and unaddressed. In the box are hundreds of identical envelopes, open and unaddressed. He thinks that somewhere in the world he will meet a woman who has always been his woman. Every now and again he regrets that destiny has been so stubbornly determined to make him wait with such indelicate tenacity, but with time he has learned to consider the matter with great serenity. Almost every day, for years now, he has taken pen in hand to write to her. He has no names or addresses to put on the envelopes: but he has a life to recount. And to whom, if not to her? He thinks that when they meet it will be wonderful to place the mahogany box full of letters on her lap and say to her, ‘I was waiting for you.’


She will open the box and slowly, when she so desires, read the letters one by one. As she works her way back up the interminable thread of blue ink she will gather up the years— the days, the moments— that that man, before he ever met her, had already given to her. Or perhaps more simply, she will overturn the box and astonished at that comical snowstorm of letters, she will smile, saying to that man, ‘You are mad.’ And she will love him forever.


Alessandro Baricco

What matters to me

i've quite a number of thoughts swimming around in my head recently.
And one of it is the importance of beauty or the importance of being pretty. i've met just too many people who place an emphasis on being pretty and it makes me uncomfortable. i think what we should do is embrace what we are given, change what we can and just be comfortable, happy and confident. it is so unnecessary to be the prettiest, it's not even worth anything much unless you are making money out of it or something. why does it matter if someone else is pretty? it is essentially non of your business and should not in any way affect what you think of yourself. there are probably gaziliion girls out there and there is no way to be the prettiest so how does it matter? it especially annoys me when people judges others based on looks. there is no real need to compare how others look like in comparison to you and it doesn't matter if she's pretty because her being ugly or pretty will never change how pretty you are. somehow to me, people who place an emphasis on looks seems to be the ones who are the most insecured and concerned about their looks, if not why bother looking or determining if someone else is pretty enough? there is so many things in this world and looks is probably just a drop of water in the ocean of things to be concerned about. Give me a smart, kindhearted, spirited, honest, knowledgeable, well read, inspired, ambitious girl any day over a pretty one.
It's not just the cliche "it is what inside counts" but rather the package. i watched a movie recently and i learnt how to determine a person based on his or her whole rather than just a part of the person. just like how the looks is only a part of someone and if we were to only concentrate on the looks alone, we would see the part as a whole and shortchange or over estimate what someone could be like. it's not only just the character, it's the way they treat others. the way they approach difficulties, their willingness to help others in need, their heart for the disadvantaged and most importantly the way they act around everyone and not just their friends or love ones.
i've never really been an observant person but sometimes i would just look at strangers around me and discover something in them that makes me in awe or it makes me want to know them better. just the other day i saw a guy who was sweaty and tired after his run and he was buying some groceries home and he tried to pay with his card but he can't because they don't accept ez link card payment or something and he had to leave without his groceries. the cashier was giving him attitude and being quite uncooperative, a normal tempered person might get fustrated or even irritated but he showed no sign of annoyance and even when a salesman approach him to apply for a credit card he patiently listened to the guy before rejecting him kindly. it might have been a good day for him or he has the patience of a saint but at that moment i was so impressed by his mild temper. i mean i do have a bad temper which i can't keep in check most of the times and people like him never fail to amaze me. Likewise, i feel drawn to know more about him because he has this certain quality that is attractive and it is because of his character and not his looks. i think this is the way to truly gain respect, recognition and love. which is why looks just barely scratch the surface of people we need in our lives. we seek like minded souls and friends who are good hearted and embody characters which we admire and need. i feel that what we should look for when we make friends or find someone to fall in love with, should be someone whose whole is more than every part of him or her, someone who shines from within and is so iridescent that no one else can compare.
i'm not saying i don't look at others and judge them based on their looks forefront, but i feel that there is less of a need to emphasize on them and learn to see the bigger picture. But this is just my opinion though i feel others should consider looking at the entire scenery and not just a flower or a tree, but the entire scenery and hopefully find something spectacular in the process


A painting is more then the sum of it's parts. A cow by itself is just A cow. A meadow by itself is just grass, flowers. And the sun picking through the trees, is just a beam of light. But you put them all together and it can be magic.

-Flipped (Movie)

Maybe we are all looking for something. A purpose in life, a reason to live, determination to live on, love, acceptance, recognition. Anything. And until we find it, we must not stop, even if it's hard. Because the things worth finding is never easy to look for.

Your mind changes like the moon

And the boys go on and on and on and on.
And there is gold falling from the ceiling of this world.
Falling from the heartbeat of this girl.
Falling from the things we should have learned.
Falling from the the things we could have heard.

Falling from the people that we hurt.
Falling from the love we never earned.
Falling from the sky that should have burned.

Falling from my heart, falling from my heart.


Angus and Julia Stone- And the boys

This one is for you and me, living out our dreams.

I’m a daydreamer. I’m thinking, but I probably just want someone to think about.

- Ellie

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Tears stream down your face,
when you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face,
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.

Right at the feet of the one who wished for me

If I were a falling star, I would know where to fall.

I don't understand you. I don't understand anybody. I don't understand how you can say things that you know would hurt people. I can understand if you're upset but to make others feel your misery too is such a mean move. That's why I hate people who guilt trip others. I don't fall for these bullshit, you only fucking poss me off. I hate it when people try to manipulate my feelings and I get fucking pissed when I feel mine being manipulated. Why don't you ask yourself if you did any thing worthy for others affection, why don't you try? Have you even think about what you did and if everything you ever did is right? I'm sure not.
Sometimes it gets on my nerve when I'm irritated with someone I care about. Because then I start to care less and That's when it all ends, when someone love less, it puts an invisible distance between you and the person and it's not possible to close it. It's not possible to make it go back to the past.