Go to the ends of the world for you

How do you explain magic? You can't, it's just a feeling, like love. Like orange laughter and sparkling eyes and extraordinary moments of happiness, bliss, contentment.

Thank you for being so lovely, so bright that you penetrate through my foggy mind and dark thoughts, thank you for existing, for being you, for being my friend, for being such a irreplaceable presence in my life.

They say sometimes when fate collide with dreams, magic happens. So I thank fate, god, or whoever wrote out lives for putting us in each other way, for making us stick in each other life, for allowing us to meet, for making us such similar yet paradoxically different beings who can strangely grow around each other and fit into the oddly shaped pieces of our personality. I guess everything really links up, that nothing is independent so I have countless people to thank. And due to my inability to think straight these days, I shall stop here.

Thank you, Cheryl :)

Daddy was telling me how people changes over time, from the different situations they go through and the different people they meet, the people that change them, the circumstances that shape them.

I feel briefly saddened by that today when I see the change in a friend today. We were not really close, but I guess I had a certain extent of faith in the friendship, but now I'm not very sure.

Regardless, I heard pretty positive news today and I feel safer. But still, the future is too darn uncertain so I'm not betting too much on it.

Just going to enjoy myself for the rest of the holidays :)

One and only sunshine lady

"I'm only as happy as I want to be."

I know happiness is a choice and that I could be happy just by taking certain things lightly, looking past the small issues and the unexpected situations. But I guess I just want to have a fixed emotional state, with only bouts of elation and unhappy moments. I want to be neutral, chill, cool and level headed. To be surprised when good things happen and appreciate it, but also take negativity as positively as I can, to overcome it easily and believe it to be only fleeting and temporary, I want to be a boat in a smooth sea, with days of sunlight and wind, but also days of storms and tribulations, but each I overcome and learn and live and love.
I don't want to magnify my happiness more than it is, I want to keep experiencing greater joy, enjoy the small ones and stay neutral for the rest of the days. I want my low moments to be short lived, but important so I remember to appreciate small joy, I want to be rich in terms of experiences, good and bad, I want to be a philosopher in my own right, I want to live, to truly participate in everything and have few regrets, I want to share what I have, to give, to receive, to love and to be loved.

I want to be the best of me.

Friendship, love

If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.

The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

12.13 AM

I need to know that I can be alone yet still feel happy.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Waiting

Maybe I'm "participating" too much. I'm feeling more and more lonely as I read The perks of being a wallflower.

It's crazy.

"I would die for you. But I would never live for you."
I think this explains a little part of love.

Gone, it's all gone

I'm in a pensive, over thinking, easily irritable, deeply dissatisfied, lightly depressed state of emotion.

I feel tiresome.

Sorry.

I just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is.

Stephen Chbosky, The perks of being a wallflower.

Could we please all speak the truth

These couple of days, I'm starting to realize people tell me things and they don't mean what they say, or they don't do what they said they would before. And that's very upsetting to me. Stuff like these makes me upset, make me stay up late at night and make me text my best friend crazy stuff so she will know how much she means to me, and to show her really, how glad I am that amidst the unpredictable, inconsistent and changing loyalties, I have her and a few others who I could at least keep up with.

Thank you.

17/7/12-18/7/12

I read Thirteen reasons why.
Halfway through the book I realized how selfish I am.
There are so many people out there who needs all the help they can get, and if we can afford to help, why should we not?
I realize a life is more precious than most things in the world and I'm sorry I told Cheryl her friend is irritating.
Fine, he's not, and I'm glad he has Cheryl to help him at that time.
Regardless, I still hope that everyone should know how important their life is and not throw it away even if they have reasons to.

I'm unhappy.
I ate a scoop of ice cream and I'm still unhappy.
I'm tired.
I'm scared.

But I'm loved, and I feel it flowing in me sometimes when I'm feeling sad and stupid.

I will feel better soon.

Am I what I am

“I am. I am. I am.”

Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control.

Congratulations, you won.
But why don't I feel like I won?

Sigh.... In the middle of the night and morning I feel so deep down in everything that upsets me and between closing my eyelids and weary mind, I realize how no matter how much I convince myself I walked out of this a winner. I lost. That's the truth. I lost when I let it matter and even though I came out of this faster and stronger, all that matters is how I was momentarily duped into thinking something could be real here.

But I don't hate you anymore. I really don't. You've apologize way too much and though some of it got to me, it's still not enough to convince me that the next time I meet someone in my life who might just have a hint of hope, I should not believe that, I should run. Fast. Because like always, nobody bothers to run after me anyway.

Okay. Sleep. Stop thinking.

Valentine

While I was typing away on the keyboard at work today and discreetly texting Cheryl, I remembered the 2011's valentine's day. So some JCs teamed up for flower delivery among each other and I didn't catch the announcement because well, who listens to announcement right? So naturally I didn't know that I could send her flowers without meeting up with her and giving her a bunch of overpriced flowers. I remembered sitting on the last row of the lecture hall and Tiara was passing us the roses and she passed me a stalk, and I was shocked, and while I was reading the messages tied on the rose, I had 4 others passed to me because the crazy girl felt that 5 looks prettier. And I couldn't help but tear while reading her messages. It was hard being in different jc, having different schedules and so many commitment, but somehow our friendship stay strong over the years because Singapore is only so small, we can meet when time permits, when our schedules match, when we plan or shift our other plans around.

And then it struck me how I could no longer go to popular and get a huge ass card cos I was so guilty for not sending her flowers, trying to fill up the spaces with too many words and making her sit in front of me so that I can write on the card but not allowing her to read. How I can't type stupid and crazy things I would never text to any other human being except her, how I can't see her even for an hour during lunch when she will be in uk in a year time.

Stupid Cheryl, it's your fault really. Should have just studied gp, should probably have went to temasek to take a law diploma, should have went for ntu accountancy, you could have done so many things to avoid this:(

I know leaving would be hard for you and I can already tear imagining sending you off at the airport, it's just so sad that you will have to leave even though it's not now, we still have months. But slowly we will only have days, we will be able to count the days with out fingers and toes, and then with our fingers, and then it will be too soon, always too soon.

:( sigh..... I cannot say when you're in uk I how, cos I know uk will be tough, tougher than me being in Singapore and having people we are familiar with around. But you will have to adapt and live in a totally different environment. It will be so much harder on you. So we have to train to be strong!! We will be strong and our friendship will be strong! I believe that! And thank you, for being more than a best friend, you're like my fourth finger on my left hand. That's how important you are:) I love you Cheryl!

Write me a life poem

“You can never teach a guy to love you the way you wanted to be loved. You have to wait for him to do it in his own way, in his own time, that’s the saddest part of being a girl. But you can never teach a girl to love the guy back the way she did before if she already grew tired and fed up understanding and waiting to be appreciated and loved the way she deserves to be loved, that’s the saddest part of being an insensitive man.”

How do you describe the feeling of knowing there are people out there who hurts while loving, hurts trying not to love, hurts trying to be loved. For a brief moment you could feel like them without being in any of the category, at times when you're listening to a sad love song, when you are hearing people love stories or when you start thinking of love on bus and train rides, and you see everything going by so quickly, you see things changing so quickly and you know that yes, love is hard, at times love may be worth it, at times love may hurt, some love last, some love don't, but to what point do we finally let go and detach ourselves from the things we want to badly to latch ourself on?
To me, it would not be the point where you're hopelessly disappointed countless times, but when the people you love, the people you're fighting for stop trying, stop fighting, because you are just not worth it. But you're not worth it to them, it doesn't mean you are not worthy on your own. So you find your steps and continue on the path of life, you learn to see things quickly so even when things changes, you remembered at least what once happened, you learn to change course, take steps to others places to get things that are important in your life, you learn to be with yourself, learnt that the most important relationship in life is the one with yourself. If you can't love, accept, understand, know, fight for yourself, then you will just be the ones who crumble when there are setbacks in life.
No, it's not that I bruise easily, that I give up on things and be cynical about the larger issue over small issues, it's just that I'm careful, I'm sure, i'm my own warrior because even though every worrier needs a warrior, I have learnt to be my own warrior.

"You can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like. But nothing stays, in 50 years or so, it's gonna change you know."

Don't forget me I beg

I'm on the train, the air is slightly chilly because of the rain last night, the floors are wet, everything is touched with water and it all seems so quiet, so washed and clean.

It seems appropriate to listen to Mike Reid's version of To make you feel my love now.

At times like this, I feel like crumbling into a messy pile and have someone scoop me up and let me lean on his shoulder while whispering To make you feel my love to me. All this while I'm looking for coincidence, that spark of fate, the initial rhythm of the people who are compatible. But now I know, I just need someone who has a shoulder I can lean on when I need support, someone I can be quiet with when I'm tired of things, someone who understand my struggles and quietly back me up, someone who will watch poetry videos with me so they understand a little of the people who are broken and in repair, someone who is a hardworking, because of all things I'm sure of I know everything just takes all the effort in the world. No 80%, give me 100%, someone who would never give up, who would try and try and give and give because I need to know that there's someone out there like that, because I need to regain my faith and I want to give just as much and work just as hard.

But all I have right now is myself, it's okay, I will walk the earth knowing someday I might find someone I want, or someone entirely different but gives me just the thing I need, but till then, I will lie down instead of lie on your shoulders, I will square my shoulders and bite on my lips while taking deep breathes so i can fill up my lungs with air instead of the tears I feel on my throat, I will eat different flavors of ice cream everyday, read love poems, read the news, I will wait. I will search, and I will find someone eventually.

Perhaps we are all colorful on the outside, rainbows and the brightest hues of all the crayons and paints. But when you rub it off, when the rain beats hard and fast, when all the tears you cried wash it off you, you are just black and white, seemingly uninteresting and bland. But in between the black and white there are spots and spots of grey. Grey, learn to appreciate the grey, the mixture of everything simple is usually the most complicated.

You're too gray.

There's something about guys wearing a black shirt and dark blue washed jeans that makes me feel they are more attractive than they really are.

Whatever makes you happy, whatever you want

I always thought adults cope with disappointments better, they had years of practice, years of getting used to being slapped across the face when your expectations slipped by you, used to not always getting what they want.

But I am wrong. It hurts. I'm sorry it has to hurt, sorry I don't know what to say, sorry I can't do anything to help, sorry I can't do anything to make it better, sorry that once again life doesn't go the way we want it to. But I'm glad this time you didn't close yourself up, you attempt to comfort yourself, comfort me to have to hear such news.

I believe things will still work out, life will move forward and it will only get better. We will stay strong and no matter what, at least we have all of us together isn't it?

I'm not ready/ I'm never ready

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there.

In repair, John Mayer

She'd Prefer a Broken Neck to Another Broken Heart


She said that she would prefer a broken neck to another broken heart.
I said "Remember, even the beauty of birth leaves its own scars
And know that you will find your home right where you are."

She said, "I know it sounds cliche, but I really am just waiting to exhale."
She's not looking for a perfect man, she ain't holding out for Denzel
She's just looking for a real man,
But she said "Most of the realest were in graves or in jail"
Just an upright brother, but she's left with low down brothers, homo thugs, and downlow brothers.

And it took her some time with herself to discover
That having love is even more important than having a lover
But what am I supposed to tell her?
That it's going to be okay? But it may not be.
It may be hard and ugly,
Difficult, complicated, rough and bloody
And I said, "So many women are struggling"

She said, "Yeah, I'd like a man to kiss me, I'd like a man to hug me
But he's gotta truly love love before he can truly love me"
I said, "I feel you." She said, "No, you're not feeling me.
We are women bringing up seeds,
Our own sons grow up thinking love is a disease
Ducking and dodging real relationships, and just gonna take what they please
And they treat pregnancy like it's an STD
If the test comes back positive, it's a negative
And they are ghost in the streets,
Drunk in the wind, only a moment is spent and those moments are brief
Our sons' role models are rolling stones unknown or deceased
They figure we can't teach them manhood, so they'll get grown in the streets
So in the cold world they find warmth with the men holding the heat."

I said "There's gotta be a change."
She said, "Yeah, it's gotta be more than poems on TV"
I said, "I feel you." She asked me how I survive.
I said, "By Allah, it was my mother otherwise
I would have been dead, crazy, institutionalized."

"She kept us in the good neighborhoods, even though she couldn't keep on the lights
So we could go to the best schools learning to read and to write.
Sometimes we'd be so broke, in the store, she'd have to pick between the beans and the rice.
Sometimes she'd put ketchup on a navy bean so it wouldn't seem like we're eating the same thing every night.
Two jobs during the day, and one at night.
And the stuff I saw her endure, I never wanna see my wife [endure]
So I know being a man is more than being male, and I'm focused on doing it right."

"But when I think about my childhood, I don't think about poverty
I remember how she hugged me, kissed me, taught me, loved me.
And I know you prefer a broken neck to another broken heart
Broken parts that litter the night sky like stars.
But remember, even the beauty of birth leaves its own scars
And know that you will find your home, right where you are
We will find our homes right where we are."


Amir Sulaiman