Today was crazy tiring. Had briefing with Odelia from 10- 3 which was nothing much other than boring with random laughter because the head security for airport is a walking comedy. Had a wonderful early dinner aat medzs cos everything was half price, kudos to being a student and we are so much oily food I think I'm about to burst. Worked at raffles city from 6-10 after that and my skin is suffering by the minute after I re did my make up, is cracking my the nose area and my face area feels... Dry. It annoys me how dry my skin feels these days and how I can never seem to get my lips back to it's normal state and sigh.... At least the bad food is keeping me full till now. As I sit on the train I can't help but keep thinking about the people god place in my life. I'm thankful for Odelia in this period because she understands me in a very primal way. Like she knows some of my problems I don't share with others and I behave pretty much raw, unedited in front of her. Somehow the first half of this year is hard. Partly because unexpected things sneak up and makes things hard and partly because of my deep dissatisfaction with life. But I revel in my bid to tire myself. I don't have to think about my emotions. I don't need to continually debate if I'm happy or sad, I don't have to do things that doesn't make me have extra time to my thoughts. I look into my future, I feel I can see myself being like that, working hard at work, with possible promotions and achievements. I would be capable then. I will provide more than I take, I will give, I will be busy, slowly age, maybe I will be happy, maybe I won't. I don't know. Life is so unpredictable. All I can ask for is stability. I don't want to worry, I don't want to have a cause to be upset about, I don't want my balance to tip, I don't want my balloon to burst. I don't want to flip , I don't want to pop. I just want to remain at a stage where in satisfied, I don't have to be happy. I have to be satisfied. And I will be. I know that. My thought are all jumbled up and I feel so much about what might happen in the future and it's making me sad. How many friends I will gradually lose, how many more worries I will have, how many more doubts I will form of myself, how many more days I question my worth in terms others standards. I just want to be..... Zen. Is that the word? Void of expectations and calmly accepts what come and do my best in regards to what I can control. I don't want I doubt, to worry, to be upset over things I can and cannot control. I almost want to be emotionless. To not feel. To be at a state of plateau. I don't know.... Am I getting worse? Ok, end of thoughts.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
19/6/12 2200 Hazy
I'm on the train back from meeting shi after ending work at 7. I'm getting used to standing without feeling much pain and work is generally fine except for he continuous events and extra things I've to remember. I had an interesting customer today who boosted my ego. She's lovely really, not only because of her compliments but because of her well wishes after all her purchases were made. I'm trying to let all these small things count in making me happy.
The counter is crazy crowded at certain times and I'm not a good juggler and flexible salesperson but I'm trying to believe that I'm trying hard enough.
Lunch was passable as I try to catch up on Shark while eating.
Other times while I'm spacing out I'm trying to think of things that make me happy. Since my visit with the tarot card lady I've been thinking a lot more about my emotions. I agree with most parts of what she said, me being uptight, controlling myself from feeling and being pessimistic and cynical. I feel... Relieved when she pointed that out. A mixture of relief and desperation because I needed someone to clearly point out to me the strange things I'm feeling or not feeling these days. The feeling of the absence of feelings, that's the closer explanation really. I used to be able to feel a lot more. Happiness, anger, frustration and sadness, I used to feel it in strong doses. Okay, maybe I exaggerate, but I feel a lack now. Like somewhere, I had a stop button, like a part of a machine that stop working. It doesn't affect the machine's operation and only the machine itself knows the difference. In the exterior it is seemingly fine, but it's different, weird, emptier? More useless? I don't know if I only feeling this cause she pointed it out or I'm only starting to face it. Regardless I agree with her that I should love myself more, feel happier. Feel happy. I can't remember when I was last happy, I've been so caught up with my disappointments and failure in life and all the things I do I think i lost the hope and faith I used to have in me. Okay.... Stop with all this pessimism, I've to stop feeling like that. On the bright side, I will try being happier, I will try to change my mindset in things I can control. I can control my thinking somehow, it's not a mission impossible thing. I can do things that makes me happy. I can relax, I can take things both seriously and not too hard on myself. I can do it.
I'm on the train back from meeting shi after ending work at 7. I'm getting used to standing without feeling much pain and work is generally fine except for he continuous events and extra things I've to remember. I had an interesting customer today who boosted my ego. She's lovely really, not only because of her compliments but because of her well wishes after all her purchases were made. I'm trying to let all these small things count in making me happy.
The counter is crazy crowded at certain times and I'm not a good juggler and flexible salesperson but I'm trying to believe that I'm trying hard enough.
Lunch was passable as I try to catch up on Shark while eating.
Other times while I'm spacing out I'm trying to think of things that make me happy. Since my visit with the tarot card lady I've been thinking a lot more about my emotions. I agree with most parts of what she said, me being uptight, controlling myself from feeling and being pessimistic and cynical. I feel... Relieved when she pointed that out. A mixture of relief and desperation because I needed someone to clearly point out to me the strange things I'm feeling or not feeling these days. The feeling of the absence of feelings, that's the closer explanation really. I used to be able to feel a lot more. Happiness, anger, frustration and sadness, I used to feel it in strong doses. Okay, maybe I exaggerate, but I feel a lack now. Like somewhere, I had a stop button, like a part of a machine that stop working. It doesn't affect the machine's operation and only the machine itself knows the difference. In the exterior it is seemingly fine, but it's different, weird, emptier? More useless? I don't know if I only feeling this cause she pointed it out or I'm only starting to face it. Regardless I agree with her that I should love myself more, feel happier. Feel happy. I can't remember when I was last happy, I've been so caught up with my disappointments and failure in life and all the things I do I think i lost the hope and faith I used to have in me. Okay.... Stop with all this pessimism, I've to stop feeling like that. On the bright side, I will try being happier, I will try to change my mindset in things I can control. I can control my thinking somehow, it's not a mission impossible thing. I can do things that makes me happy. I can relax, I can take things both seriously and not too hard on myself. I can do it.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Daily whines
Today training ended early which was just nice to sneak in a movie before going home early to rest. Ju joined us cos she texted ode spontaneously and we watched now you see me with ode's bro. The movie was awesome despite reading the Wikipedia spoilers beforehand. AWESOME. So slick and well thought.
I don't know why I'm typing in such an informal manner but ya.... So June work schedule have been confirmed and I'm stacked working 12-7 every weekday. I feel sad at the thought of not having much time to myself but I like living a routines life once in a while mainly cos I think less and shit regularly. This may sound weird but I think it has help my bowels to regulate itself and I feel like Sheldon cos I shit at a specific hour. Well, besides that I'm pretty bummed that I've to work tomorrow considering how I pushed back my date with Jiayi and now have to cancel:( sighhhhh. And the worst thing is I'm not sure if I can really handle working tomorrow cos it'd be totally new and unlike training... Despite so I think it's good that at least I work at least 2 days with the full timers instead of starting my first day of work knowing close to nothing in dealing with customers?
Okay, so I've nothing much left to say except I feel contented and hearty with life these days. I have less problems, I managed to see ju albeit for a short time, working with Odelia was fun and she's like a savior and a comedian at the same time. I don't know if I can survive working alone:( ok... I mean of course I can... It's not like I'm going to war... But I just hope it won't suck as bad? Sigh....
Goodnight!
I don't know why I'm typing in such an informal manner but ya.... So June work schedule have been confirmed and I'm stacked working 12-7 every weekday. I feel sad at the thought of not having much time to myself but I like living a routines life once in a while mainly cos I think less and shit regularly. This may sound weird but I think it has help my bowels to regulate itself and I feel like Sheldon cos I shit at a specific hour. Well, besides that I'm pretty bummed that I've to work tomorrow considering how I pushed back my date with Jiayi and now have to cancel:( sighhhhh. And the worst thing is I'm not sure if I can really handle working tomorrow cos it'd be totally new and unlike training... Despite so I think it's good that at least I work at least 2 days with the full timers instead of starting my first day of work knowing close to nothing in dealing with customers?
Okay, so I've nothing much left to say except I feel contented and hearty with life these days. I have less problems, I managed to see ju albeit for a short time, working with Odelia was fun and she's like a savior and a comedian at the same time. I don't know if I can survive working alone:( ok... I mean of course I can... It's not like I'm going to war... But I just hope it won't suck as bad? Sigh....
Goodnight!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
