Rain

It's raining really heavily at 11 and Cheryl's flight was supposed to depart at that time. Luckily her flight was delayed. A mixture of emotions tonight. Had a relaxing day spent at Cheryl place and watched videos and did some light reading. It's sad that Cheryl is leaving for uk so soon and we didn't really get to meet up much though actually I think we met the most amongst all her other friends. I feel a bit bad for being mean to her at the karaoke and the other times I'm mean but yeah. Hahaha! Talked to jiayi about her exchange next sem and I realize how two of my best friends will not be in Singapore with me for 6 months and that's really depressing to some degree. It's not all about how people are leaving because they all come back. It's about missing them even before they leave, it's about missing them when you do fun things you could have done together instead. I've yet to be overwhelmed with a deep need to travel and see all the amazing things the world has to offer, experiences dull when you're not seeing it with people you love. 

I am looking out the window now, I see the glass speckled randomly with rain drops, the sky no longer the pink it was after releasing the bulk of the rain it held on to. Maybe that's what we all will be when we let go of things, we change, we look down, at all that we have left behind, look for it's traces in places we poured out too much, we see it flow off to all those places and realize that the leaving doesn't stop from when it's gone, the leaving only stops before it all comes back again. 

Everything's quiet when it's you I'm with

Woke up today and I felt better but not so good. Did some simple stirfry for lunch  and bought juice for breakfast. I listened to Jason Mraz new album on the bus and I particularly love The live room sessions. Pure music, so raw and beautiful. I look at the buildings passing by in the bus, on the train and I feel very disconnected to all around me. 

It's fine. I was better than yesterday. I read jiayi reply at work and it made me cry. My wifey is the best emailer on earth. If there is such a thing. Even though I feel the soreness on my ribs and my shoulders and my arms, as if the yoga made me carry myself and it got to heavy for me to bear I feel the strain even the next day. As if I am too much and not enough at the same time. As if I am too weak to even lift myself up. It's fine. I think the moon that is squaring the stars is moving, the sun hiding behind the shadows and clouds are moving, the stars have left and is moving to some other sky. It is fine. Let it all move, let it all go. 

I just need to breathe. Need to take in all of it, need to let all of it out. I need to sit with the good and the bad, I need to choose both, without reservations and only acceptance and forgiveness. I am far away from where I want to be. It's fine. Like everything else I will move, until I get there. 

Give in

Yoga was tiring, I never sweated so much and coming from me that really means something. I felt strained and tired and stretched out but after it I really felt good. All was good but suddenly my mood just plummet. I feel like I was brought back to reality when I didn't even plan to leave. We cabbed home and I don't know if Kexin and Amelia noticed but I was quiet, only guiding the taxi driver along the route. I asked to be dropped at the bus stop because I feel a pressing need to walk. I need to think and waft through this wave of emotion. Walking in didn't help, so now I'm seated by the pool lying down at the chair and listening to Norah jones. I decide to pen this down after 10 minutes because I need to remember what I feel at this exact moment. How I can suddenly feel so overwhelmed with sadness and stress when a minute ago I was fine. I am very tempted to go offline because I think I needed to just leave everything behind for a while. I need to be with myself. I think I am going to do this soon. I feel so tired recently. Maybe it's how seeing certain things make me sad or maybe it's because I am constantly pushing things out of my mind and when it stands right in my face I can't ignore it. I emailed jiayi this morning. Told her I am in a good place but I feel so far off now. I am no longer where I was this morning and I feel so tired thinking how I need to make my way back to where I am and barely even near the destination. 

The pool light is shining on me, leighton meester humming in my ear a fleetwood Mac Classic. I feel scared of this ups and downs now. I am scared that I will slowly sink into depression, I am scared that I don't have the strength to pull myself up. I am tired. I think I need to go back home now. I need my bed. I need to chase the hurt. 

God give me patience, patience to breathe.

I thank god I've finally got here. 

I thank god for my friends, I can never thank god enough for them. 

I thank god for my parents and all that they have given and taught me. 

I thank god for the lessons and experiences and being able to be able to be introspective. 

I thank god for the strength I have each morning. For my independence and for my determination to pull through. 

I thank god for the signs, for the things I see and believe are put in place to test me and to lead me to different roads. 

I thank god for faith. I have faith. And that makes all the difference. 

I thank god for the journey. 21 years. I wouldn't have said I experienced a tough ride, I thank god for making it easy, I thank god for the numerous difficulties I might face in the future and mostly I thank god for being alive. That's one of the most precious gift I can ever receive. 

God gave me patience

Patience to breath

God give me reasons

To not cry anymore about anything

God give me time

Time to think this through

God give me something

Something to keep my mind

Off missing you

And in the afternoon while the sun gets low

I wish I there was some other direction to drive

Somewhere else to go

But there's always one more thing I have to prove

There's always part of me missing you

So light the day

And invite me to stay

'Cause now I see

I was always on my way

Just a little late

Cause I cry lot

I cry out of fear

And it'd be nice if

You was all that made up these tears

But its years and years

And in the afternoon while the sun gets low

I wish I there was some direction to drive

Somewhere else to go

But if you never try

You'll never know

Sometimes the best part of goodbye

Is letting go

Oh, but I've been dreaming of clear skies

Oh, I've been dreaming of hometown coastlines

I would fly

So God give me patience

Patience to see

Within the chaos

There's always room to dream

Just let it be

Everything's not lost

Tired of feeling weak. Even my knuckles ache. I am starting to miss the energy I get everytime I lace up my sport shoes knowing all I have to do is move ahead. The things I leave behind doesn't matter. At least for that hour or so. That seems like the only way to get off of all the dreariness of the daily life.

Anyhow, Coldplay's everything's not lost is on repeat and just really the song that gets me going. I tip my head up to the sky, let the light guide me out of the darkness and in that moment of closing eyelids and tears that comes from yawns and fatigue, I think I believe in everything there is about the world and I'm starting to understand how everything in my life is slowly alchemizing and I am no longer who I was but everything that I am.  

Feel so sick:( my throat feels so itchy and it feels like that time when I had asthma as a child. I try to breathe through my mouth and it itches all the way down the airway and it sounds as if I'm gasping for air. 

The week ahead is so packed I feel tired already. :( 

Don't you want to know

My knees hurt because the aircon was too cold today. I had to randomly walk about and rub my palms together even after wearing my cardigan. The tiredness only set in as I was walking to the train station. Not sleeping enough last night certainly doesn't help. Plus I can't sleep early tonight again. The thought of how I have to be up tomorrow at 7.15, rush through washing up and traveling to work  in less than 10 hours time, that leaves me  with 9 hours of rest. After bathing and all I have no idea how much time I have left to sleep. I'm so tired, I don't know how my hours no longer belong to me, I don't know how to be there for people without taking on their problems, I don't know how to say what I need because sometimes even after saying it out, I don't see anyone understanding what I am trying to say. And that is loneliness, when nobody understands you, nobody can give you what you want and you can't even give yourself what you need. 

And you know what the joke is. It's how people tell you how you can just tell them  about your problems but they don't get the problem. They just brush it off and give you the direct solution. Fuck, you think I don't know what to do? All I seek is empathy, I want people to tell me how they understand how fucking tired I am, how it's ok cos I'm strong and I'll be able to handle it. And even if I can't be strong, it's alright to take a break. But fuck no, people just tell you, oh you got to do this, oh can you do that for me. It's always like this. Since I was young I constantly seek reassurance from my family, can I do this, can I make it work, their reassurance always help me pull through. So this is how I seek comfort even when I am feeling upset and tired, I tell people, hoping they know what I need is for them to tell me I can do it, I can make it work. But nobody does it unless I explicitly ask them, can I do this? I'm so sick of asking, I'm so sick of telling people and not getting what I need to hear, doing so only amplifies how nobody understands. I don't tell my parents about all my worries now because I'm older and I think I can handle it and all I get from them sometimes is how I can do more. I don't want to do more. I am so tired, my bones ache from all the weight of my worries, I am constantly drowned by my emptiness and how I seek to be light from it all. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother to tell people when I can reassure myself, I can push aside all my negative feelings and reaffirm how strong I am. You know how sometimes you are so conscious of how alone you are in this world you wonder what is the meaning of it all, why do you have to give people pieces of yourself when you don't even need pieces of them. 

Thoughts when I read Kundera

Have you wondered what the waves would look like if you really do see them with your naked eyes. The sound waves propagating over to you, seeing the person's mouth move and the waves coming to you, hearing the words milliseconds later and your words, like waves propagating back. Is that what words are? Waves of connection going back and forth never ending, constant and therefore reliable. 

What about the other waves we would see. The electromagnetic waves, waves, rays, light and darkness, light and weight. Everything that is light seems so good but could the lightness be one day unbearable due to the emptiness it brings? If zen is what some seeks, doesn't void brings about a crushing weight of emptiness? Doesn't weight in contrast brings about lightness when one eventually gets used to it, when one learns to deal with it, when one gets stronger it's not longer heavy or burdensome. I've seen some people trudge along the roads with difficulty, some elderly walking slowly, their backs hunched over. I wondered about the lives they had before this. Were they crushed by the unbearable lightness of being or the unbearable weight of life. If we are seeking a balance from all of life, I don't think it's knowing if we seek lightness or weight, I don't think it's about looking at a glass knowing it's half empty or half filled. I think there is no such balance until life ends, and then just like how the dead can never bring away anything with him, he would leave the weight and emptiness all behind. 

You're the king and I'm your lionheart

Met Shiu Heng and odelia for dinner after work and we had a really amazing meal. Conversations flowing slowly, unpretentious and naturally. As Shiu Heng and I walked to the bus interchange we discussed our opinion on what love means to us. And I told him how i see an end of a relationship as a failure of some sort, something I chose but failed to see through to the end and how I'm scared of being hurt and going into anything uncertain. He told me how I don't have to be scared, that if it ended it merely means that god meant for it to end and it's not meant to be mine. The funny thing is how he's a free thinker but believes in god and when I asked him about it he says it with a conviction that I believe too. That somewhere god exists and even though you may not be given things that you want, you are always grace with things you need and things that made your life extra meaningful. I remember a phrase that say let go and let god. I'm not a Christian, but I believe in the existence of god, whether it's my religion version of god or the different religion version of god, in some way or another god exist. And hearing that from Shiu Heng brought me comfort because his belief was without frills or facade, it is conviction and faith. 

Many times I see myself stepping back when I'm faced with a decision on whether to move forward or back off as fast as I can. I realized now that it doesn't matter, even if I were to try my hardest to change and make things work it would never bring me what I seek unless I put down my fears and open up my heart. I don't think it's about me trying to change or consciously doing things I would not usually do, neither is it me waiting for someone to save me from myself. I just need time to slowly walk out of this self imposed prison and become stronger and more courageous. 

"Love comes in many different forms. You don't need to be with someone to be happy." 

List of awkward questions I would really like to ask people

Do you know that when the sky starts to drizzle, the pool will be slightly deeper than it normally is, it's top, swelling from the droplets of water forming little waves on the surface, doesn't that show how all the little things add up and become something greater than it can be if it was by itself?

Do you ever wonder if there is someone exactly like you out there at another part of the world? Living a totally different life, could he be happier? More carefree? Or could he be living a more difficult life? 

Do you ever wonder if the reason why the earth doesn't crush from all the extra weight thrust upon it is because nothing is really created, that the extra machinery and buildings and people equates to the same amount of mass as the age of the dinosaurs time? 

Does that mean dinosaurs are really really heavy? If so, how many humans can they consume at a go? Maybe 5 for breakfast and 7 for lunch. 

Do you ever wonder about times when you feel randomly comforted that maybe at those times I was thinking of you and sending you telepathic comfort? 

Do you have moments of sadness that overwhelm you and make you lose faith temporarily? 

How do you act when someone cross your line? How will your behavior hangs when that person is your friend or family instead? 

Do you have road rage and drive faster and more recklessly when so? 

Have you ever thought about how your perfect day will be like? Or have you already had one? 

What is the single moment you think of when someone ask you when were you the happiest? Was it a person that make you happy? Is that person still in your life? 

Can you easily come up with the sweetest thing you have done for a loved one? 

If you were have to choose three people to live in an island for a year who would you choose? Will the answer differ if instead of a year it was forever? 

When were you the angriest? What did you do then? 

Do you ever doubt that you would never amount to much in life? 

Have you ever wondered if you can be unmarried for life and be okay with that? 

Have you ever contemplated in being a monk? Leave everything behind and lead a different life that you planned? 

What is the worst quality a person can possess? 

What is the one thing you can not get enough of now? 

What is the one thing the frustrate you because you can never think out of? 

How do you deal with a situation where you have to choose between your moral values and something you really want? 

Who is the one person you have yet to forgive? 

What is two of the biggest regret of your life? 

What is the one thing someone said to you that still hurts to this day? 

What do all these questions have in common? 

What is the singular most important trait you think one should possess to be considered a great person? 

Do you like the Beatles? Do you imagine them singing as they look now or do you picture them young? 

Define let it be. 

Tell me one thing you would love to change about me. 

Do you ever get worried when your parents have not reach home and it's really late and you're thinking of worse possible scenarios? 

Is there a difference between being irked and dislike? 

Tell me one thing about me you wish I would never change/lose. 

All kinds of blue

On my way to Kexin house to get cupcakes from Kexin. Oh! I just bought my first love bonito dress from a carouseller, which was a rather swift and slightly awkward experience. 

Work went by quickly today cos I sat in for a meeting that lasted for 2 hours. Dozed off for a bit while writing minutes but I don't think I was caught! The boss is so nice though. The teleconference took 20 minutes to get through and he apologized to me. I mean.... I'm just an intern right. Hahaha! After the meeting he asked me how much of it I understood. Well, the fact that the opposite party was Thai and had a pretty strong accent and I know half pass nothing, I would say, almost nothing. Hahaha! And he was like 10%? I just see you scribbling away. Hopefully I'm going to be learning more each day and feel less hopeless. Going to site tomorrow for the entire day and I'm not looking forward to it to say the least... Regardless, I've been pretty pumped up cos I did pretty decently this sem. I'm hoping I'll achieve my target next sem and pull my cap to 2nd lower honors and I'm so glad this sem made me closer to the goal. I really had no idea how I screwed up year 1 that badly but it's ok, I'm going to try my best and just do as well as I can manage.

I read this thought catalog article that says that in order to be more interesting and happy, you've to keep pushing your boundaries and trying all sorts of things you've never tried before. I'm probably the most boring person around. I'm the least adventurous and I hate trying anything beyond my comfort zone but I've had many different experiences where I actually enjoyed something new I tried so I'm going to be looking out for new things to try out this summer! Since exercising I feel my energy going up but because I've been watching my calories intake I feel so hungry at times it's almost sad. Regardless I like the breathlessness when I run, feeling my heart pump hard, the sweat down my forehead, I feel alive and I feel that I'm fighting to being alive. It's not just about losing weight. I think it's probably not going to be that easy for me to lose all the weight I hope to lose but I understood what those articles meant with lifestyle change. It's waking up and living with a bit more zest and energy. Plus I'm doing something I never thought I would get down to doing, so that's a bonus! 

Every time I try to hold you close, you disappear

I've had moments recently where I feel so incredibly light and gloriously in the moment. I remember being on the yacht, the wind blowing the hair off my face, the light from the lighthouse shining a beam on the sea, I remember the quietness, the hum of the engine, the beauty of the sky and lights, the lightness I feel when I close my eyes. Nothing matters, nothing was brighter or darker, everything is in a perfect state of plateau, time slowed down momentarily and everything was beautiful because there was nothing at the moment but the lightness of my mere existence. 

The second moment was at Amelia's party, us hogging the photo booth and taking spontaneous shots with masks, bulldog hats/sunhats, the photographer enthusiastically saying, next pose kiss kiss just to tease the laughter out of us, capture us slightly shocked and then embarrassed at what happens after. It's amazing, being surrounded with people but still feeling so incredibly light and joyful. 

The other moment was with jiayi at the beach, walking and telling her my thoughts, her listening and commenting, telling me it's alright, that my worries are unfounded and perfectly normal. I always thought I don't really tell my friends my problems but I actually do. It feels more third party doing so, as if at that moment I am not me, but someone who is standing at the sidelines observing and dissecting. 

The most recent moment was probably yesterday after my jog, I decided to walk around the estate for awhile cos the wind was cool and it was after a heavy downpour, listening to Coldplay album, digesting it's lyrics and smiling at the incredibly sweet words he strings together. At that moment, I was still who I am, but away from myself, what I worry, my darkest fear, I was the best version of myself I could ever summoned myself to be. 

Maybe I'm just a ghost

Disappear when anybody's close

Go through you when you travel

Travel over near

Maybe I'm just a ghost

Emptied by 'em, anybody knows

Maybe I'm on the ropes

Or I'm not even here

Every time I try to walk through walls

More walls appear

What's the point of feeling love for you

When you don't believe I'm here?

What's the point of trying to raise your voice

If no one ever hears?

Every time I try to pull you close

You disappear

Maybe I'm a ghost

Just a whisper in a puff of smoke

A secret that nobody knows

No one will ever hear

Or maybe I'm a ghost

Specter on a wrong course

Thorn without out a rose

Something people fear

Oh how I try, to be just okay

As I was scrolling through Facebook I noticed someone shared a Rachael Yamagata song and it reminded me of my favorite song of hers. Be be your love.

Want to be your everything. Everything. 

Everything is falling and I'm included inside. 

Call it true

Tell me you love me, if you don't then lie, lie to me. 

Listening to Coldplay's ghost stories can be quite depressing. Magic is still my favorite, but True love latched on my mind with it's lyrics. 

Felt so much better after telling odelia how I feel. She always gives me the advice I know I should heed. She knows my problems and my worries and she tries to help me to walk through it and I'm very grateful for that:) 

I guess we thought that's just what humans do

I was having lunch with a colleague today and she told me about her boyfriend, how they've dated for 3 years and the problems they have gone through over the years. They are both from different countries, totally different native language but they both spoke English. She told me how she has caught him with countless woman before, I ask how would she know when she's in Singapore and him being in Korea, she say she just know, intuition. She would confront him and quarrel over it. I don't get what she is trying to say sometimes but I can guess the rough idea and point she's trying to being across even at times she didn't have the word for it. She said that men like that, players, they will want a faithful woman, loyal to the end, one who will always forgive him for his mistakes and never leave his side. She said nobody is perfect and that's the only flaw she sees in him and she can tolerate it to the end because she believes that to be the last woman in his life, she has to stay with him to the end and continuously forgive him and accept his mistakes. I'm slightly shocked but I surprisingly understand her point of view. I've heard my crazy share of stories so maybe this is why I don't find it ridiculous. Or maybe it's because I am not close enough to her to feel for her. I realized that there is no one type of love, or obsession or whatever you call it. Nothing is right or wrong, just because it's not love to me it doesn't mean it isn't love to others and how would that affect my definition of love or life anyway. Over the years, I've seen love repulsive, cheapened and degrading but I've seen love that is strong and quiet, love that is true, giving and faithful. There are so many people in the world, so many love stories. Someone once told me everyone would have a different story, a different ending and no one would end like how others would so why wouldn't I try. I still see it in my way. If it ends, it ends. No matter how many happy moment and love, everything has come to naught. Even with the lessons learnt and the memories gained, everything has come to nothing. I don't enjoy processes, I want good endings. I don't need to be whisked away to a castle on a horse with the prince. I just need it to be simple, loving and lasting. 

I think sometimes when people ask me for advice, they already know the answer.  They ask me, even when I'm void of experience, practical and realistic, I don't get it why. I am not saying I'm right, I just don't get why they bother asking me then. Actually I don't like listening to people problems. They make me sad in ways that I could never be repaired, they make me scared and afraid of taking a step because of how I might end up. People like to say how I wouldn't be like this when I'm in love, I wouldn't be clear headed and logical but I know I can. Because how can I not when I've seen how hurt other people get, how they slowly lose their innocence and faith. And the worst thing is I would never know because I would never be able to make a decision purely on my own, everything I think and do has been influenced by what I've listened and see others gone through, I would never be able to not doubt what others say, I would always be skeptical and disbelieving. All this for nothing I've physically gone through, isn't that in some way equally pitiable. 

Are you sad Jocelyn?

Recently I wrote Lynette her birthday letter. Told her all the jumbled up thoughts in my mind. Write so many times how sad I am, how sad i feel sometimes. There are days I doubt that. I function normally, I eat, I smile, I sleep and I do what normal people does. Murakami books remind me of how one can be functioning normally. "Going bad", not like an apple or tomato whereby I rot physically. But you grow bad over time, some thing eats at you inside and you can't help but be absorbed by the holes in your heart. I am so sad, so sad. I chant repeatedly at some night hugging my pillow tighter but at the same time I am not. I am only selectively sad. I am only half sad. I'm only part time sad. I know that's normal. Nobody just wakes up one day and declare he can't bother to live anymore. He slowly gives up living, but by bit everyday. I wonder what eats at the pieces of my heart. Besides the sadness I hear, besides the sadness I see happening around me. There must be some other thing in me, some thing that can be removed. Then maybe I will feel less punctured, i will feel like there is meaning, I will feel that there is hope. Are you happy? No. Sad? Yes. Why? I'm just sad. 

Maybe we don't need that. We don't need someone who understands our pain, our hurt, our sadness and our regrets. Maybe we need someone who badly wants us to be there, so we have a reason to look at our reflection and see why living is not only for ourselves, but for the people we care more about than our pain. Maybe this is why everyone continues living. Office, 9 am, work work work, lunch, work work work, finish work, dinner, -, sleeps. 24 hours a day. Some people spend it fully involved in realizing their dreams, someone out there working on the next technology product that will change your lifestyle. Some spend it watching videos, letting their mind be engaged by action while staying inactive. Some go out, start running and climbing mountains. Some fill their hours meeting someone who would similarly fill their hours in company, talking, listening, lack of listening, quarreling, crying and hurting. Some, think about all the action, all that could happen at once and wonder which would be a wiser choice without thinking how regardless of what one chose in the end, one would have lost the time spent on choosing, on waiting and on blind belief that what is yours is yours. I've seen how some people steal things, right under the noses of the owners, so self righteous and fighting with demons only in spare hours left alone to their thoughts, the thrill and glamour and declaration all enclosing what happened and what did not happen. You know how there was a lady Rosalyn before Romeo met Juliet? You know how in a seemingly smooth political  rally there are writers and analysts behind the scenes planning each step, the words, the color of the ties, the pace. Everything is and could possibly be orchestrated. This is why everything has value. And why even when a beautifully wrapped gift is right in front of you, you don't unwrap it, you wait and unwrap it when it has the most value. Don't cheapen it, don't cheapen yourself. What is yours is never yours, don't realize it only after you lose it. 

Kernes keep

I'm so tired but I don't know why I can't peel myself out of the sofa to wash up and go to bed. My eyes hurt from scrolling aimlessly around web pages/Instagram/tumblr. I tell myself mentally to put the phone down but I can't. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to leave my spot. I don't want to not look our and see some apartment lights lit, some dark and rested, the night sky without stars and the comfort of tall trees. Some trees grow so tall, few storeys high, towering over the shrubs and other probably less vertically blessed trees. They may not be older, they may not be bigger and have larger fans and stronger branches but they are so tall, reaching out higher, as if being a little closer to the skies would give them what they need. I suddenly thought of the missing plane and the Korea ferry incident, how the news have barely spoken about the progress recently, how the spotlight has shifted. But the pain remains, the horror and the hurt and the cries, can you imagine these being constantly replayed in the families of the victims. The unaffected ones moving on with their lives, sucked into their own problems and mildly concerned with other current news. Do people care?  Do people ever care for anyone but themselves? 

Do you wonder why people have candlelight dinners? 

I've never had one but I do wonder. Does the food taste better because you would taste better with your visuals dimmed? Maybe it's not about the food. Food had always been an excuse for people to meet, as if you need a reason to sit down to have a proper conversation. Maybe it's looking at each other over the flickering flame, seeing instead of merely looking. Or maybe it's the atmosphere, the occasion, the celebration. But then I guess it's the person you are dining with. Isn't that mostly the reason, love. If love could be the reason, why is it not the answer? 

Ok breathe don't stress

I don't know why I choose to put myself in uncomfortable positions even when I reminded myself not to the previous time I'm in it. Sighhh 

H

I'm sorry, I think it takes more than words to let a person know how much you appreciate them. Sometimes words can mean so much to you but to the person receiving it, it's just words,letters out together nicely to spell out your half thought through intentions. 

To what point do I stop doing what I hate so I can continue being healthy inside my head

I'm trying to not notice how I'm not absorbing all these information. Letting the words skipped past the rows and rows. Words, lines and lines of explanation with nothing making any sense. I give up re-reading, going back to paragraphs before,checking on the title to see what I'm actually reading about, flipping to see how many pages I have left. I am trying not to let the panic rise up, trying not to let it get to my head, trying not to let it increase the growing doubt I have. Times like these I feel so dark. I feel so upset I have to study something I am not interested in, feel so upset that I am not interested in what I'm studying, feel so upset that I am not good at what I'm studying and I feel so tried and doing average or poorly for each module and looking at it as if it's a benchmark for my intelligence. Sometimes I wonder why am I given such opportunities when all I am is a mess who has been failing to put herself together for years. I am not even going to try to talk about passion and interests. Nothing lasts. And after all, if results is all that matters, everything would eventually give in to the numbers and the skinny alphabets I'm obsessed about. 

To what point do I stop doing what I hate so I can continue being healthy inside my head

I'm trying to not notice how I'm not absorbing all these information. Letting the words skipped past the rows and rows. Words, lines and lines of explanation with nothing making any sense. I give up re-reading, going back to paragraphs before,checking on the title to see what I'm actually reading about, flipping to see how many pages I have left. I am trying not to let the panic rise up, trying not to let it get to my head, trying not to let it increase the growing doubt I have. Times like these I feel so dark. I feel so upset I have to study something I am not interested in, feel so upset that I am not interested in what I'm studying, feel so upset that I am not good at what I'm studying and I feel so tried and doing average or poorly for each module and looking at it as if it's a benchmark for my intelligence. Sometimes I wonder why am I given such opportunities when all I am is a mess who has been failing to put herself together for years. I am not even going to try to talk about passion and interests. Nothing lasts. And after all, if results is all that matters, everything would eventually give in to the numbers and the skinny alphabets I'm obsessed about. 

Ig

It's worth it. I need to constantly remind myself everything I have to do despite my unwillingness to do it is worth doing. 

Recess

I do often wonder at times when I'm bored and alone, what you are doing at this exact moment. What you are like, what interests you, what you like to spend most of your time doing and what you think of when you have nothing to do. I wonder if you think I'm weird, writing to you like this, when I haven't met you. I wonder if you understand why a part of me wants to do so and why I need to write these moments down for you. Maybe when you've met me, I would have already been slightly different from who I am now, at this right exact moment. But all I can be is who I am now and though I'm not proud of who I am, I do spend some of my time trying to be a better person. I don't know why being 21 has opened me up to many of my existing flaws. My socially ineptness, my skeptism and my charged in satisfaction towards so many things. I've become more realistic and suspicious of things. I hope you don't find that a horrible trait you can't take. There are moments though. Moments where I choose to see the brighter path and believe blindly, moments when I wish for change and believe things will really be better. And these moments are who I am too. Recently I've been told I judge people too harshly. Cheryl asked me what I felt about casual dating and I told her how I totally oppose to the idea of it. And she inferred that I would judge people who does casual dates. It never occurred to me though. Do I? Kexin told me before how I have a pretty strict moral code and when certain acts falls out of it, I will always condone it. I never really did notice that. I don't really see myself as someone who is super staunch in her ideas but I do have some codes I know I would never breached. But does that make me judge what others do? I don't know if I do. Or maybe I know, but I choose to see it as I don't. Sometimes there are certain things with grey areas. But I think when you dust the covers off them. They could only either be black or white. And I think doing the right thing is not only because there is karma and neither is it because things will eventually catch up with you. It's merely because at that moment, there is only one choice. And when you did not choose the only obvious choice. Everything will accumulate from then on and it would only become worst from then on. 

Nobody knows me at all

Life is pretty dreary these days. Spent my entire day at the library studying cos I'm most conducive there. I am not as spent as I should be because I'm reading pretty slow, writing down notes and spend other parts of the time looking through social media just for the sake of it. 

I have no idea how time fly by so fast that I am just two weeks away from the last day of my semester. No. I am not about to whine about how time flies but rather how little time I spend on myself? I think when some people look back, they will find they 20s spent with their boyfriends. Some, with their books. Some their friends and activities and strangely I don't spend most of my time studying, or hanging out with my friends and neither do I have a boyfriend. So where did all my time go? Seriously. I hope I'm not wasting all these time away. Maybe I should have something to focus on. A hobby perhaps. 

Other than that I do find myself increasingly mean these days. Not replying messages or calls from Shi or my grandma. It's just.... I feel like sometimes you know what people are going to say and you don't want to reply those messages asking you if you've done this or that, or people making plans when you're barely even halfway through the exam period or people whining about their lives or people worrying about you. It's just so exhausting having to answer to people. They increase your irritation by doing nothing but they just irritate you because you don't want to be reminded of stuff you've no time to think about. 

Ok. Rant over. I give myself twenty minutes. Then I have to go and just finish typing out my notes and then sleep and the cycle repeats itself tomorrow. I need to feel like I should breathe. That there is a reason to breathe. 

On a side note can I just get the damn resume typed out. I feel so bad cos I know how Cheryl helped me so much with this but I'm procrastinating on this because I just feel so... Insecure about my knowledge and I have no idea if I will be more of a burden than I already am. Sigh.... I must remember to have faith in myself. 

Possibly

“Does he treat you with respect at all times? That’s the first question. The second question is, if he is the exact same person twenty years from now that he is today, would you still want to marry him? And finally, does he inspire to be a better person? You find someone you can answer yes to all three, then you’ve found a good man.”

Colleen Hoover

Second nature

I can't remember the last time I read out of leisure. I came home, too frustrated from the revision that demands to be done and look at the books by my bed and picked one of Nora Roberts novel. It's so simple. Getting drawn into a book. You feel it spinning the threads of thoughts and unknowingly it's 2am and you just finished it. So justifiably satisfied even though I feel like sleeping. I just want to remind myself how after reading, I somehow feel like I was 14 again. In my uniform after school, at pasir ris library picking out books I haven't read under her name. I remember how they touch my heart with warmth and the promise of romance. I remember the later part of my teens when I stop reading such books because I no longer identify myself with it. 

Maybe it's the procrastination or maybe I'm slowly letting go of the unnecessary fences I have decided to put up against what I desire. 

If it's yours, it's yours. 

Tiptoeing

I didn't bring my key so I'm waiting by the pool for daddy and mummy to be back with Amanda. So exhausted since Monday. 

Now that most of the projects are roughly over, revision for finals are starting and I am confident I got most of it. I can still do average this sem I think. I will try to make it better. I will try. So far the whole of summer is going to be internship. Managed to secure one because Cheryl helped me. And now I might be getting another one and I don't know if I can refuse that cos it would see so rude. It's okay. I imagine I can do both this summer. That's all. That's all I have planned so far for summer and it's so miserable just thinking about it. I was thinking of how I must find things that make me happy, things that would psych me up. But seriously, nothing. Besides work, I will probably get to have scattered dinner across the days with different group of people. Maybe get to do something fun with the wifeys, a cook out with the girls. Movies with the my uni friends. That's all. It makes me sad. Not that I don't get to meet my friends often but rather besides meeting people who make me happy. What about doing things that make me happy. But then again, I don't even know what make me happy anymore. 

Breathe. I must remember to breathe 

Some things in my mind: 

I can't be happy for you, I wish I can but I really can't. 

Why are things so hard for you, I wish it's better, I wish you'd do better, I wish you'll get what you want. 

I need to think of at least one happy thing each day before I implode from stress. 

Why can't I be the way I think I should be. Or am I just never gonna be who I want to be. 

When will things get better. 

Wanna fall, fall so far, wanna fall, fall so hard

Can't get over Coldplay's Magic. 

Call it magic, call it true
I call it magic when I'm with you
And I just got broken, broken into two
Still I call it magic, when I'm next to you

And I don't, and I don't, and I don't, and I don't
No I don't, it's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
Want anybody else but you

I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
No I don't, it's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
Want anybody else but you

Ooh ooh ooh

Call it magic, cut me into two
And with all your magic, I disappear from view
And I can't get over, can't get over you
Still, I call it magic, such a precious truth

And I don't, and I don't, and I don't, and I don't
No I don't, it's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
Want anybody else but you

I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
No I don't, it's true
I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't
Want anybody else but you

Wanna fall, I fall so far
I wanna fall, fall so hard
And I call it magic
And I call it true
Call it magic

Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh

And if you were to ask me
After all that we've been through
"Still believe in magic?"
Well yes, I do
Oh yes, I do
Oh yes, I do
Oh yes, I do
Of course I do

I try to slow it down for you

I'm so tired and stressed I feel like screaming at someone or just drown. I can't even think of sleeping. Not with all the work to do. How did things suddenly get so busy I can barely breathe. 

Rainy weather

I know you care 

Ellie Goulding 

Clinging to me
Like a last breath you would breathe
You were like home to me
I don't recognize this street
Please don't close your eyes
Don't know where to look without them
Outside the cars speed by

I've never heard them until now
I know you care
I know it is always been there
But there is trouble ahead I can feel it
You were just saving yourself when you hide it
Yeah I know you care
I see it in the way you stare
As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin
And I know you care

I used to run down the stairs
To the door and I thought you were there
To shape to comfort of us
Two lovers locked out of love
Oh, but I know you care
I know it is always been there
But there is trouble ahead I can feel it
You were just saving yourself when you hide it
Yeah I know you care
I see it in the way you stare
As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin

I know it wasn't always wrong

But I've never known a winter so cold
No I don't warm my hands in your coat
But I still hope
Cause this is how things ought to have been
And I know the words are there
Wasn't all that it seemed
Why can't I dream
Why can't I dream
Cause I know you care
And I know you care
I know you care
I know you care
I know it's always been there

You sink

So sleepy. 

So much work to do but I'm being a lazy ass today. 

Instead of skyping, Cheryl and I send each other videos and it's nice. Except I sound weird on video. I wonder why. 

And I realize when I think my eyes will roll to the top left/right and I will raise my eyebrows. Find that a highly annoying trait. 

I can't remember. 

I can forget. 

Fairy frogs

It's 2.36am. My lids are heavy and closing more frequently. Looking at the reports and post about MH370 and random posts about saving marine creatures just make me realize how there are so many problems out there and some days all my worries are so self centered, looking through websites for internship or part time jobs to spend the summer wisely, worrying about not being able to get a job, worrying about money, worrying about all the things that would only affect me. Sometimes I fear that despite what I think, I'm still a frog living in a well. Thinking about the flies and insects that hover only at the span of my eye and never once thinking of jumping out to see all the other flies and opportunities I am missing out on. 

It scares me how life is going by so quickly now. The crazy thought that this is now the prime time of my life and how I should  try to live it as gloriously as I could. Yet all I bother to do is let my eyes shut it all out as I retreat back to my well. 

Fucking stressed over projects. 

:( 

What is love

Maybe it's because I haven't truly love other people besides my family and friends. So sometimes when I hear about the different ideas of love, I get confused. I have my own idea. My own definition of what love is to me and it's simple. Truthful, faithful and effort. The one is one who would be faithful to you throughout his life with you, truthful about his feelings, his life and his past. Truthful about his opinions, his desires and his actions. The one must be the one who works through problems with you, help you, guide you and never gives up. It doesn't matter if you've faced countless failures or the unknown. He tries, he put in his all and work for it. Daddy told me something I think I won't ever forget. He say when you meet the one, there wouldn't be any doubt. There wouldn't be thoughts of trying things out first and testing if it works living together because when you've doubts like that, you already known subconsciously he's not the one. The one is someone you would try and walk together into the unknown together, the one you're confident you'd be with forever, the one who makes you brave enough to forget your doubts and worries. 

I know sometimes I lack the experience in the love department. And I worry about the chances I let pass me by or the incessant doubts I have about love. But I think I can recognize it. I am sure I will recognize it when it's here. It wouldn't have to knock. Because it already has the key. 

My words will be your light to carry you to me

I want something simple. 

I want to look at him and Bam! I know it. I knew this is love. 

I want us to live in a dome. So there aren't corners we can hide. So no matter what, we would run back to each other. 

I don't want the games we play when we were 5, and when we were 13 and even when we are 21. 

I want a simple song where we sing it as it is. Raw and true. 

I don't want mind games, literal interpretation, symbols, author's intention. 

I want to work. Hard. To know it's working, as long as I work hard for it. 

I want alive. Not a lie. 

I want you where you belong. Inside my arms. 

I want our dome to be our shelter, I want it to be a place where we can find a way, where we grow and stay alive and together. 

I want us striped of our fears, our secrets, our hardness, standing bare in front of what we can give, what we are willing to give and what we would give and always give to always choose each other. 

I'll be your winter song and you'll be my summer day. 

Where my demons hide

Some I love remind me of reckless drivers. They crave the exhilaration, the moment. They have the courage but an equally fragile heart. And when they crash, I can't tell if they lose more pieces of their heart or I lose more faith . 

Halfpast12musings

I think we all have sadness in our souls. The place that opens when the lights are off and you stare into a familiar pitch dark view, just like when you close your eyes. 

I once have a friend who told me he can't sleep with the lights off. He needs to see light. He needs to see what is around him. He needs to be present. I remember sipping my coffee, swallowing the question. What do you see then, when you close your eyes? 

Most people don't like to be reminded of their fears, the little clues of insecurities they let on are not blankets you pushed off when you no longer seek warmth. They are the ones that seek to cover as you let the floodgates open. 

Everything at once

"The last thing i remembered from then was the dull ache at the back of my head, shooting straight down the nerves of my  neck. The catch i tried to hold off my throat so it wouldn't tighten. So the tears wouldn't well. 

Fall. I try to sink into the darkness of my anger so I don't cry in frustration but the tears fall anyway. "

Mid February

February had me seeing 2 wonderful movies. Her and The book thief. Both so incredibly heartbreaking and wrenches all the sadness and ache in your heart. I feel like I'm simultaneously reminded of my need for a pure and innocent love across the reality of love now and possibly in the future. 

This reminds me to get a copy of The book thief. Anyway, I just want to be thankful for how life seems to be picking up slightly. School work is slowly drowning me as I try to fit revision into the projects and assignmenents and meeting up with the girls. 

Now there is no perfect day except for one whereby I can spent the entire morning in bed, tucked and enveloped by my covers while scrolling on my phone. The later part of the afternoon would be either having coffee and cakes with my girls or studying in the library with Odelia and at night would see me having dinner with my family and watching some programmes before going to bed. That's how a perfect day sounds like. 

Ps: can't believe I typed a whole lot of words about how thankful I am during my birthday and it just got deleted. So annoyed :( 

Tired

So tired from school and from the problems that I might have indirectly caused.... Sigh... Sometimes it's better to know nothing. You might feel like you are doing something right but there are really many unknown permutations of things that could happen and unknowingly you hurt others. I don't know... I hate knowing I might have caused people trouble just because I did something wrong accidentally. 

Days like these I can't be bothered to think about the things I can be thankful for. 

5th February 2014

Blessed

That's how turning 21 feels like. 

17 January 2014

On my way home from work today at Bhg. I'm so thankful for the great sales I have today. Sold another men's festive set today and it's funny cos I do count myself a men's festive set pro cos I thought I sold the remaining sets at bhg but there are 3 more in the storeroom and two remaining after today. May tomorrow be a day I sold all the festive sets left. Hahaha. 

I am thankful for the fun conversation I had with Vivien today and for my friends in my life. I am thankful for life and the times I see light when it's dark. 

16 January 2014

Has only one hour of class and I had brunch with sharkn before going for class and I'm so thankful for having Sharon with me every step as I grow up. She is one of the people I trust with all my heart. We grew up, change and become different people from who we were in primary 3 and we accepted and supported each other alog the journey. I am thankful for the friendship we share and for the bond and love we share. 

Went home after classes and I cooked spaghetti for dinner though it sucked but Amanda liked it. Cooked porridge for mummy but all I did was add pork inside. Hahaha.  I'm so thankful for mummy and how deeply she love us and for always putting us before anything else. I'm going to turn 21 soon and my parents and Jorina have been there since I was born. I couldn't have achieved whatever little I Achieve and experience the great opportunities I was offered without them.  I feel birthdays should be a day to thank the people in your life instead. To thank them for being in your life and enriching it. 

13/14 January 2014

Had my first two days of school and the classes are so daunting and I don't feel confident about doing better:( but it's ok, it only the initial stage. It will get better I'm sure! I must have faith and put in enough effort! I feel closer to my uni clique this time. Sometimes I feel like I've slowly evolved into someone who doesn't make friends easily.... I hate being so closed up and cynical but sometimes it's just my coping mechanism. Have a elective with jiayi and it's proven to be boring but my eye candy is in the same class too! And he's still in sg, what are the odds. It's fated. I kid. Hahaha. On a side note, can life get better already:( I feel so.... Suffocated with all the negative thoughts swimming in my head and I can't do anything about it. Ok.... This post has nothing to be thankful for... But I thank god for my amazing parents who provided so much for me in life and for the opportunities and comfort they have given to me. I think about them and it makes me want to work hard for my future so they can have as much as they have given me. And I can do it. 

15th January 2014

Worked today at Rc cos I didn't have any classes. Had great sales and I'm so thankful for that. Despite coming down with flu and sore throat, I got better through the day. Got home after a long day and daddy and mummy are still not home yet. Is it normal to worry/think that they met with something unpleasant when they come home late, which is probably about a couple of times a year. And they don't even answer their phone and times like this. Tsk tsk. 

I'm a little sad these days. Ok, maybe not sad, just worrying. I hate having my mind full of worries and consciousness of the things I ignore/ try to not think about. Strawberry swing by Coldplay is helping my emotions to get by and I thank god for that. 

It's such a beautiful song and I wish to dedicate it to everyone I love. For the times we wish to go back to who we once were and for the times we look back into our youthful and innocent times untainted by reality, this song bring me back to one of the time when I was 16 and Cheryl comes over often and we will spend time studying and at the playground and sleeping. I ache for the simplicity and our ingenuity then. I can't remember many details of the past years cos my memory is so limited but things that I remember I remember in full details and I close my eyes and I feel like I it happened just a couple of days ago. Yesterday Cheryl, jiayi and I chatted over Skype and we had such a long chat Cheryl fell asleep and disconnected and I talked with jiayi a while more before sleeping and I remember feeling so happy for catching up. But today it makes me sad for no reason. I don't need a lot of things in life, I really don't. But can I have all the things I need to always be with me. Can I not have change and uncertainty. Can I not look at some things I can't change and think how badly I want to change it/how things are wrong because I can't be the one in charge. I don't know what I am really saying but I think all the cynicism is clouding my mind today. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. 

15th January 2014

Worked today at Rc cos I didn't have any classes. Had great sales and I'm so thankful for that. Despite coming down with flu and sore throat, I got better through the day. Got home after a long day and daddy and mummy are still not home yet. Is it normal to worry/think that they met with something unpleasant when they come home late, which is probably about a couple of times a year. And they don't even answer their phone and times like this. Tsk tsk. 

I'm a little sad these days. Ok, maybe not sad, just worrying. I hate having my mind full of worries and consciousness of the things I ignore/ try to not think about. Strawberry swing by Coldplay is helping my emotions to get by and I thank god for that. 

It's such a beautiful song and I wish to dedicate it to everyone I love. For the times we wish to go back to who we once were and for the times we look back into our youthful and innocent times untainted by reality, this song bring me back to one of the time when I was 16 and Cheryl comes over often and we will spend time studying and at the playground and sleeping. I ache for the simplicity and our ingenuity then. I can't remember many details of the past years cos my memory is so limited but things that I remember I remember in full details and I close my eyes and I feel like I it happened just a couple of days ago. Yesterday Cheryl, jiayi and I chatted over Skype and we had such a long chat Cheryl fell asleep and disconnected and I talked with jiayi a while more before sleeping and I remember feeling so happy for catching up. But today it makes me sad for no reason. I don't need a lot of things in life, I really don't. But can I have all the things I need to always be with me. Can I not have change and uncertainty. Can I not look at some things I can't change and think how badly I want to change it/how things are wrong because I can't be the one in charge. I don't know what I am really saying but I think all the cynicism is clouding my mind today. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. 

8/9/10/11/12 January 2014

Had a splendid three days. On the 8th, I Met the uni Clique for lunch and we had fun catching up over spicy Korean food and gift exchange!  After that I met Shi and ju for dinner but we wound up eating cakes and drinking tea at Lady M. Really enjoyed their pastries and tea! 

On the 9th I met Sharon for brunch and had a great time catching up. It's great meeting someone you've known since forever cos you just talk so naturally and you explain so little cos you both were part of each other lives and conversations and happiness just flow so smoothly. After which, I visited two cafés with Kexin. Lynette and Jolene and time just pass so fast with them just by walking around and over eating and drinking. I'm thankful how my friends make me love life, they make everything ten times more enjoyable and meaningful and they lighten your spirits and take the weights off your mind. After that we head over to Vivien house for steamboat and gift exchange a and though I had a spooky encounter with the girls, I'm grateful for the amazing day I had and the thoughtful gift Kexin got me. Sometimes people can get gifts that make you happy, I don't know how they do it. But they just scream if sincerity and thoughtfulness. 

Spent the 10th with my family, picked Amanda from her class and brought her to tuition and I grateful for the relaxing day I had just chilling out and for the great dinner I had. 

Spent the 11th working but i was blessed with great sales though I'm thoroughly exhausted cos my eyes felt so tired and I was so sluggish after work. I hate being the mood breaker I usually am after work cos I get tired and irritable and my family have to put up with that but daddy would help me carry my bag and make me laugh and mummy would buy stuff for me. And it's just nice to sit in the car and listen to the radio and sing along to oldies if It starts playing songs I know and know I'm going back home to my bed and a warm shower. I'm thankful for the comfort I'm blessed with and for my beautiful support system I have backing me up. 

Spent the 12th at home for first half of the day and went shopping and looking at some houses. It'd be great if we get to move but life is already so blessed and I can't ask for more. Did some shopping for cny and sigh.... I think I srsly need to lose weight so I can start looking better. Despite so, I am thankful for the wonderful meals I had and for a wonderful day I had before school starts tomorrow. I'm dreading school a bit and putting off sleeping even though I'm sleepy typing this but I must seriously  keep up with the 365 days of gratitude tag so I can read back and remember how incredibly blessed I am each day and work towards being a happier person. 

I must really get a planner, gym/swim(can't believe I didn't do that the entire holiday), text Sharon tmr, plan my tutorial slots, pack my room and start printing out notes for the sem. 

Looking forward to a great sem ahead and I'll do even better this sem! Yes I can! 

8th January 2014

Had lunch with Zijing, Jaslyn, Rebekah and Javin at a Korean restaurant and I'm thankful for the wonderful meal we had and the company. I'm thankful for having a group of friends I can count on and for the help and support along the way. I'm thankful for being blessed with genuine people I know I can trust and rely on. 

Met Shi and ju for dinner and we had lovely desserts and tea and I'm so thankful for having them in my life. I'm thankful for the joy and happiness they bring into my life and the friendship life and god has blessed me with. 

Currently on the train now and eavesdropping on a couple conversation. The girl was telling the guy the plot of frozen rather animatedly and the guy was asking questions in between and I wonder if that's what goes on when I tell people stories. Them being mildly interested and filling up the holes of my narration with questions. How can we tell when people are really interested and when we are boring them? Sigh.... 

7th January 2014

Worked at centrepoint today and sales was very low and I was slightly late for work but manage to sell some products last minute and I'm thankful for the luck I'm blessed with even though I could have gotten the worse end of the stick. 

6th January 2014

Had work but I had a wonderful lunch with peishi and I'm grateful for the wonderful I was blessed with and though sales were pretty low, I'm grateful for a blessed day. 

5th January 2014

5th January 2014

Had a tiring day at work but all is well after it ended. Went to see some houses today and it'd be really nice if we get to move house this year. Thankful for the good meal we had today and for the wonderful opportunities life has given to me and my family. 

“It’s not enough to say the heart wants what it wants. I think of the ravine, the side dark with pines where we lounged through summer days, waiting for something to happen; and of the nights, walking the long way home, the stars so close they seemed to crown us. Once, I asked for your favorite feeling. You said hunger. It felt true then. It was as if we took the bit and bridle from our mouths. From that moment I told myself it was the not yet that I wanted, the moving, the toward—”

Mary Szybist, from “To Gabriela at the Donkey Sanctuary,” in Incarnadine: Poems (Graywolf Press, 2013)

4th January 2014

4th January 2014 

Worked today and I am grateful for the great sales I have today. Grateful for the nice uncle who gave me discount for my lunch and I am grateful for the support I have today from my family. Thank you for waiting for me till I finish work and buying food for me in case I am hungry. 

I am grateful for the ongoing conversations in whatsapp I have with my friends and thankful that I have friends I love and who love me too.

3rd January 2014

3rd January 2014

Worked today and I am grateful for the great sales I had today. And grateful for my family who waited for me to finish work and picked me up to have dinner together. I am grateful for the great dinner we have and grateful I get to go home comfortably. I am grateful for Vivien and Lynette who came by to chat with me and spend some time with me at the counter. I am grateful for having such wonderful people in my life :) 

2nd January 2014

2nd January 2014

Worked at bhg bugis today and I am grateful for the sales I had today. I am grateful how even though I've some accidents due to my first day of period, I had clothes to change into. 

1st jan 2014

1st jan 2014

Grateful for the wonderful lunch I had with Jorina and grateful for a family who supports me and take care of my needs and concerns. Thankful for us being together and for spending a wonderful day together. 

It's crazy how it's 2014 and I feel so out of touch with time. 2013 is the worst year of my life. But I feel like I've grown up and learn from all the unpleasant stuff. I don't know what to expect from 2014. I drafted out my resolutions and made sure they are reachable and pretty realistic. 

Sometimes I don't know what life really wants from me but I'm pretty sure of what I want from my life. It all boils down to very simple things. I want to be happy, I want my love ones to be happy and I want to live each day thankful and grateful for all that god and life has blessed me with. I think this is a pretty good place to start out with 365 days of grateful moments. 

May 2014 be full of moments that are enriching, helpful and may I be strong and mature enough to handle the good and the bad and become a better person.