Disappointment has a name

Sometimes when people tell me to stop thinking too much it makes me wonder if they would heed their own advice in any scenario life throws at their face.

I can't. I can't not think. I am only capable of thinking, thinking too little and over thinking, thinking negatively, being realistic, being self centered and thinking of consequences. That's how I protect myself. I start by building something with my thoughts, as it piles up I slowly learn how to protect myself.

"don't let your guard down."
"it's not right."
"it'd never work."
"I don't need you to be happy."
"I can't afford to be broken again."

Yes. This is how I get my answers. My thoughts pile up so high one day I wouldn't be able to see you even if I tiptoe and try to crawl to the other side. It's not that I'm not open minded. I can't loosen up. I can't let myself do what I want. I can only think what do I need. What do I need. What do I do so I can survive one more tedious day ahead.

When you told me you wanted me to be happy, you don't know what makes me happy. The moment doesn't count for me. I don't live for the present or for moments. I live to survive, I live so I can trudge on ahead for the rest of my life. You could never make me happy. Nothing could ever make me happy. I set myself up for disappointment. That's my idea of happiness. To not be disappointed or more unhappy than I already am.

I crumble under reality so easily I can give you up in a minute just so I can protect myself. One face off with reality and I felt myself let loose of the thread. Do you know what it's like at that moment for me? A release. A bitter one nonetheless. I laugh at my ability to have the slightest faith even when I subconsciously know I'm going to get disappointed. But I guess that's what I need. This moment is enough to straighten my spine and leave my throat tightened and bitter.

Life is made up of reality, not big big dreams you came up with when you're a little girl.