Give in

Yoga was tiring, I never sweated so much and coming from me that really means something. I felt strained and tired and stretched out but after it I really felt good. All was good but suddenly my mood just plummet. I feel like I was brought back to reality when I didn't even plan to leave. We cabbed home and I don't know if Kexin and Amelia noticed but I was quiet, only guiding the taxi driver along the route. I asked to be dropped at the bus stop because I feel a pressing need to walk. I need to think and waft through this wave of emotion. Walking in didn't help, so now I'm seated by the pool lying down at the chair and listening to Norah jones. I decide to pen this down after 10 minutes because I need to remember what I feel at this exact moment. How I can suddenly feel so overwhelmed with sadness and stress when a minute ago I was fine. I am very tempted to go offline because I think I needed to just leave everything behind for a while. I need to be with myself. I think I am going to do this soon. I feel so tired recently. Maybe it's how seeing certain things make me sad or maybe it's because I am constantly pushing things out of my mind and when it stands right in my face I can't ignore it. I emailed jiayi this morning. Told her I am in a good place but I feel so far off now. I am no longer where I was this morning and I feel so tired thinking how I need to make my way back to where I am and barely even near the destination. 

The pool light is shining on me, leighton meester humming in my ear a fleetwood Mac Classic. I feel scared of this ups and downs now. I am scared that I will slowly sink into depression, I am scared that I don't have the strength to pull myself up. I am tired. I think I need to go back home now. I need my bed. I need to chase the hurt.