Every time I try to hold you close, you disappear

I've had moments recently where I feel so incredibly light and gloriously in the moment. I remember being on the yacht, the wind blowing the hair off my face, the light from the lighthouse shining a beam on the sea, I remember the quietness, the hum of the engine, the beauty of the sky and lights, the lightness I feel when I close my eyes. Nothing matters, nothing was brighter or darker, everything is in a perfect state of plateau, time slowed down momentarily and everything was beautiful because there was nothing at the moment but the lightness of my mere existence. 

The second moment was at Amelia's party, us hogging the photo booth and taking spontaneous shots with masks, bulldog hats/sunhats, the photographer enthusiastically saying, next pose kiss kiss just to tease the laughter out of us, capture us slightly shocked and then embarrassed at what happens after. It's amazing, being surrounded with people but still feeling so incredibly light and joyful. 

The other moment was with jiayi at the beach, walking and telling her my thoughts, her listening and commenting, telling me it's alright, that my worries are unfounded and perfectly normal. I always thought I don't really tell my friends my problems but I actually do. It feels more third party doing so, as if at that moment I am not me, but someone who is standing at the sidelines observing and dissecting. 

The most recent moment was probably yesterday after my jog, I decided to walk around the estate for awhile cos the wind was cool and it was after a heavy downpour, listening to Coldplay album, digesting it's lyrics and smiling at the incredibly sweet words he strings together. At that moment, I was still who I am, but away from myself, what I worry, my darkest fear, I was the best version of myself I could ever summoned myself to be. 

Maybe I'm just a ghost

Disappear when anybody's close

Go through you when you travel

Travel over near

Maybe I'm just a ghost

Emptied by 'em, anybody knows

Maybe I'm on the ropes

Or I'm not even here

Every time I try to walk through walls

More walls appear

What's the point of feeling love for you

When you don't believe I'm here?

What's the point of trying to raise your voice

If no one ever hears?

Every time I try to pull you close

You disappear

Maybe I'm a ghost

Just a whisper in a puff of smoke

A secret that nobody knows

No one will ever hear

Or maybe I'm a ghost

Specter on a wrong course

Thorn without out a rose

Something people fear