To what point do I stop doing what I hate so I can continue being healthy inside my head

I'm trying to not notice how I'm not absorbing all these information. Letting the words skipped past the rows and rows. Words, lines and lines of explanation with nothing making any sense. I give up re-reading, going back to paragraphs before,checking on the title to see what I'm actually reading about, flipping to see how many pages I have left. I am trying not to let the panic rise up, trying not to let it get to my head, trying not to let it increase the growing doubt I have. Times like these I feel so dark. I feel so upset I have to study something I am not interested in, feel so upset that I am not interested in what I'm studying, feel so upset that I am not good at what I'm studying and I feel so tried and doing average or poorly for each module and looking at it as if it's a benchmark for my intelligence. Sometimes I wonder why am I given such opportunities when all I am is a mess who has been failing to put herself together for years. I am not even going to try to talk about passion and interests. Nothing lasts. And after all, if results is all that matters, everything would eventually give in to the numbers and the skinny alphabets I'm obsessed about.