Are you sad Jocelyn?

Recently I wrote Lynette her birthday letter. Told her all the jumbled up thoughts in my mind. Write so many times how sad I am, how sad i feel sometimes. There are days I doubt that. I function normally, I eat, I smile, I sleep and I do what normal people does. Murakami books remind me of how one can be functioning normally. "Going bad", not like an apple or tomato whereby I rot physically. But you grow bad over time, some thing eats at you inside and you can't help but be absorbed by the holes in your heart. I am so sad, so sad. I chant repeatedly at some night hugging my pillow tighter but at the same time I am not. I am only selectively sad. I am only half sad. I'm only part time sad. I know that's normal. Nobody just wakes up one day and declare he can't bother to live anymore. He slowly gives up living, but by bit everyday. I wonder what eats at the pieces of my heart. Besides the sadness I hear, besides the sadness I see happening around me. There must be some other thing in me, some thing that can be removed. Then maybe I will feel less punctured, i will feel like there is meaning, I will feel that there is hope. Are you happy? No. Sad? Yes. Why? I'm just sad.