Don't you want to know

My knees hurt because the aircon was too cold today. I had to randomly walk about and rub my palms together even after wearing my cardigan. The tiredness only set in as I was walking to the train station. Not sleeping enough last night certainly doesn't help. Plus I can't sleep early tonight again. The thought of how I have to be up tomorrow at 7.15, rush through washing up and traveling to work  in less than 10 hours time, that leaves me  with 9 hours of rest. After bathing and all I have no idea how much time I have left to sleep. I'm so tired, I don't know how my hours no longer belong to me, I don't know how to be there for people without taking on their problems, I don't know how to say what I need because sometimes even after saying it out, I don't see anyone understanding what I am trying to say. And that is loneliness, when nobody understands you, nobody can give you what you want and you can't even give yourself what you need. 

And you know what the joke is. It's how people tell you how you can just tell them  about your problems but they don't get the problem. They just brush it off and give you the direct solution. Fuck, you think I don't know what to do? All I seek is empathy, I want people to tell me how they understand how fucking tired I am, how it's ok cos I'm strong and I'll be able to handle it. And even if I can't be strong, it's alright to take a break. But fuck no, people just tell you, oh you got to do this, oh can you do that for me. It's always like this. Since I was young I constantly seek reassurance from my family, can I do this, can I make it work, their reassurance always help me pull through. So this is how I seek comfort even when I am feeling upset and tired, I tell people, hoping they know what I need is for them to tell me I can do it, I can make it work. But nobody does it unless I explicitly ask them, can I do this? I'm so sick of asking, I'm so sick of telling people and not getting what I need to hear, doing so only amplifies how nobody understands. I don't tell my parents about all my worries now because I'm older and I think I can handle it and all I get from them sometimes is how I can do more. I don't want to do more. I am so tired, my bones ache from all the weight of my worries, I am constantly drowned by my emptiness and how I seek to be light from it all. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother to tell people when I can reassure myself, I can push aside all my negative feelings and reaffirm how strong I am. You know how sometimes you are so conscious of how alone you are in this world you wonder what is the meaning of it all, why do you have to give people pieces of yourself when you don't even need pieces of them.