Today was crazy tiring. Had briefing with Odelia from 10- 3 which was nothing much other than boring with random laughter because the head security for airport is a walking comedy. Had a wonderful early dinner aat medzs cos everything was half price, kudos to being a student and we are so much oily food I think I'm about to burst. Worked at raffles city from 6-10 after that and my skin is suffering by the minute after I re did my make up, is cracking my the nose area and my face area feels... Dry. It annoys me how dry my skin feels these days and how I can never seem to get my lips back to it's normal state and sigh.... At least the bad food is keeping me full till now. As I sit on the train I can't help but keep thinking about the people god place in my life. I'm thankful for Odelia in this period because she understands me in a very primal way. Like she knows some of my problems I don't share with others and I behave pretty much raw, unedited in front of her. Somehow the first half of this year is hard. Partly because unexpected things sneak up and makes things hard and partly because of my deep dissatisfaction with life. But I revel in my bid to tire myself. I don't have to think about my emotions. I don't need to continually debate if I'm happy or sad, I don't have to do things that doesn't make me have extra time to my thoughts. I look into my future, I feel I can see myself being like that, working hard at work, with possible promotions and achievements. I would be capable then. I will provide more than I take, I will give, I will be busy, slowly age, maybe I will be happy, maybe I won't. I don't know. Life is so unpredictable. All I can ask for is stability. I don't want to worry, I don't want to have a cause to be upset about, I don't want my balance to tip, I don't want my balloon to burst. I don't want to flip , I don't want to pop. I just want to remain at a stage where in satisfied, I don't have to be happy. I have to be satisfied. And I will be. I know that. My thought are all jumbled up and I feel so much about what might happen in the future and it's making me sad. How many friends I will gradually lose, how many more worries I will have, how many more doubts I will form of myself, how many more days I question my worth in terms others standards. I just want to be..... Zen. Is that the word? Void of expectations and calmly accepts what come and do my best in regards to what I can control. I don't want I doubt, to worry, to be upset over things I can and cannot control. I almost want to be emotionless. To not feel. To be at a state of plateau. I don't know.... Am I getting worse? Ok, end of thoughts.
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