19/6/12 2200 Hazy

I'm on the train back from meeting shi after ending work at 7. I'm getting used to standing without feeling much pain and work is generally fine except for he continuous events and extra things I've to remember. I had an interesting customer today who boosted my ego. She's lovely really, not only because of her compliments but because of her well wishes after all her purchases were made. I'm trying to let all these small things count in making me happy.
The counter is crazy crowded at certain times and I'm not a good juggler and flexible salesperson but I'm trying to believe that I'm trying hard enough.
Lunch was passable as I try to catch up on Shark while eating.
Other times while I'm spacing out I'm trying to think of things that make me happy. Since my visit with the tarot card lady I've been thinking a lot more about my emotions. I agree with most parts of what she said, me being uptight, controlling myself from feeling and being pessimistic and cynical. I feel... Relieved when she pointed that out. A mixture of relief and desperation because I needed someone to clearly point out to me the strange things I'm feeling or not feeling these days. The feeling of the absence of feelings, that's the closer explanation really. I used to be able to feel a lot more. Happiness, anger, frustration and sadness, I used to feel it in strong doses. Okay, maybe I exaggerate, but I feel a lack now. Like somewhere, I had a stop button, like a part of a machine that stop working. It doesn't affect the machine's operation and only the machine itself knows the difference. In the exterior it is seemingly fine, but it's different, weird, emptier? More useless? I don't know if I only feeling this cause she pointed it out or I'm only starting to face it. Regardless I agree with her that I should love myself more, feel happier. Feel happy. I can't remember when I was last happy, I've been so caught up with my disappointments and failure in life and all the things I do I think i lost the hope and faith I used to have in me. Okay.... Stop with all this pessimism, I've to stop feeling like that. On the bright side, I will try being happier, I will try to change my mindset in things I can control. I can control my thinking somehow, it's not a mission impossible thing. I can do things that makes me happy. I can relax, I can take things both seriously and not too hard on myself. I can do it.